The Woman I Want to Marry is Marrying Another Man

Less than twenty days ago, I lost my first love and only love. She is a doctor, a poet, and a writer who graduated from a university in Cairo two years ago. I have known her for seven years. And right from the beginning, I told myself I would marry her. I was just waiting for the circumstances to be right.

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For the first four years, we spoke every day. She felt my love, and I knew she felt something for me too. I often hinted that I would soon visit her father to ask for her hand in marriage. I wanted her to know I was serious about her and she did, however, I never took the final step. Over time, she became tired of waiting.

She kept asking me, “What is the point of all this talk?” She repeated this question over and over again, getting to the end of our talking stage. At the time, I was not ready to perform the marriage rites. So I always responded with vague reassurances, “Things will be fine tomorrow.” Tomorrow would come and I would point to another tomorrow. Then she would ask, “What is the use of our talking?” My answers were always silly and evasive, as if I was running away from committing.

Eventually, I told her she could do whatever she wanted. It was at the point that we agreed to stop talking. Two weeks later, she blocked me. That block lasted for a year. Then she unblocked me. We barely spoke and after a month, she blocked me again—this time for three years.

During all that time, I thought about her constantly. No woman could replace her in my heart.

Is There A Perfect One Out There For Everyone?

Two months ago, I finally decided to look for her again. I created a new account under the name Jounieh Zidane. This is her name and mine combined. I then reached out to her. She responded politely. The only problem is that while I was pouring out my heart to her, she was busy telling me about her life. She said she was engaged. “I am also waiting for the results of my medical specialisation.”

I was happy that she was advancing in her career. The news of her engagement, on the other hand, did not fill me with joy. I told her the truth. “I came back to marry you. I hid the truth from you because I wasn’t ready but I have always wanted to marry you.”

She said I was more than three years too late. I had been absent too long, and naturally, life had moved on for her. She said she was content with what life had brought her and fully convinced about the man she was engaged to.

I didn’t want to give up easily. I insisted I wanted to visit her father or at least meet her. After some hesitation, she agreed to see me, but not take me to her father. We met at the subway. We talked for more than an hour and a half. Her eyes were filled with tears, as if I had disappointed her, and I truly had.

She told me the man she is now engaged to came to her six months ago and spoke with her family. “What can I do now?” she said. “There is nothing I can do to change things.”

So it is over. How do I accept this? I love her deeply. I can’t even blame anyone for my suffering because I know it was my silence and my distance that caused this. I never told her plainly that I loved her or that I wanted to marry her. She said she still keeps my manuscripts and the messages I sent to her.

What I do not understand is why she agreed to meet me. For years, she refused to see me, but now that she is engaged to someone else she made it easy. Does that mean I am still in her heart and mind?

I have never found anyone like her. Even though I work in a prestigious place surrounded by wonderful women, I cannot open my heart to anyone but her. She is the only woman I ever truly saw as my future wife.

Now, I am at the height of my grief and I do not know what to do.

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