employer hired a sex offender, being called a “mom” professionally, and more

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Our agency flexed its own policy to hire a sex offender

I work for a government agency and a new hire in our group took a while to pass their background check. Living in an open records state, it’s easy to find someone with a unique name. Six years ago, this man (29 years old at the time) was busted in a police sting trying to solicit sex with a 15-year-old using a popular app. No contact was actually made (since there was no real child involved), but he was charged with sending explicit photos and communications with a minor. He completed his probation, which changed his record from felony to misdemeanor.

I can see all the court docs, and his defense was that he thought this person was 16 (our state’s age of consent) and that he did nothing wrong. The documents clearly show age was discussed in detail and he knew the boy was 15. He resisted the court ordered sexual eval and treatment, and claimed several other reasons he was innocent. He was forced to attend treatment and completed his probation and monitoring.

Our org has a policy that any crime against people in the last seven years should disqualify an applicant, even a misdemeanor. So I’m shocked this made it past HR. I don’t know if our director is aware or if this stopped at HR. I know if I ask HR, they aren’t going to tell me anything. Technically he completed his treatment, but crimes against kids crosses the line for me. One other staff member was with me when we figured this out, but otherwise I’m not aware that anyone else knows. Is there any way for me to question this hire and how he passed the background check?

No, because it’s not your job to question him (and what could you do with the answer in any case?). Since you know he did get background checked, presumably your employer is aware of the conviction. I agree with you 100% about the nature of this crime and I wouldn’t want to work with this guy either, but you really don’t have the standing to question him. That said, you could approach your manager and/or HR with your concerns that the organization appears to have bent its policy for a sex offender.

2. Managing an employee with severe anxiety

How would you suggest handling a direct report with severe anxiety to the point that they in physical distress over looming tasks? That kind of anxiety is something I have a little experience with and have found my own techniques for dealing with (knowing they aren’t one-size-fits-all) … which I can’t help but offer while also pushing for therapy via our EAP. How long do I give them to work on it versus how much do I pry to confirm they are trying things? It’s affecting their sleep (and therefore work), their primary doctor still hasn’t nailed everything down with effective treatments, and at least one treatment attempt involved “don’t operate heavy machinery” level of painkillers. We’re in a regulated industry doing risk reviews so that starts to get hairy that I must review it all. They aren’t up to speed four months into their hire, but I own some of that blame as a relatively new manager while they are remote.

You can suggest working with the EAP and you can maybe offer some low-key suggestions of stress reduction techniques, but beyond that this is theirs to manage. It would be overstepping to push for therapy or any kind of specific treatment, or to try to confirm they’re working on it. Let them know what the job expectations are and let them know if they’re not meeting those, and if their anxiety is disruptive to colleagues, address that … but you sound like you’re getting pretty close to overstepping (or maybe have already).

If you feel like you’ve fallen down on your side of things as a manager, work on remedying that. If it’s not feasible for you to keep reviewing everything, let them know that, and let them know what you need to see from them in order to be able to back off from that and when that needs to happen by, and ask what they need from you to work toward that goal. But their mental health is theirs to manage. Your involvement needs to stay confined to managing their work performance, and those are two very different things.

3. Being called a “mom” professionally

I saw the letters you posted about being referred to as a “work mom” or “office mom” and something similar happened to me but outside of an office setting, and I don’t know how to address it or if I even can.

I run professional events for widget makers (events like talks and panels and networking) which I’ve been doing for years. I’ve connected a lot of people professionally with my events, and I platform local widget makers and give many people their first public speaking opportunities. Some events are about early-career stuff and some are about getting better at our craft which attracts mid-level and senior folks. People pay to attend these events and buy other stuff from me. This is a business I’ve built up over the years and it’s a well-known part of the community. It’s a side-hustle to my full time work, where I’m a senior widget maker myself.

I was talking to somebody (another widget maker) who’s attended a lot of my events. They said they and friends of theirs were jokingly (and endearingly) calling me “widget mom”, because I help so many people with what I do (for what it’s worth, both of us are women in our 30s but I’m a bit older).

I understand how nice this is supposed to be! But I was really bothered by the name, though I didn’t say anything. I’m a professional widget maker too, I’ve been doing this for 15 years, and I thought I was known for my own experience and skill. But being called “widget mom” sounds like my business is some friendly, mothering thing I do out of the goodness of my heart… when I’m selling my own expertise and knowledge in an explicitly professional context (albeit in a relaxed and friendly way). How many moms charge a fee to speak with them?

Maybe I’m taking the “mother” part too literally, but it feels at odds with how I see myself and how I want to be perceived, which is as a widget maker and entrepreneur. It feels dismissive of my many years in the field, like I’m only being recognized for what I do for others, and not the widget-making work I do myself and the business I run based on that.

Am I taking this too seriously, or being insecure? Was it just a compliment that was meant well, and I should be flattered? Since I don’t actually work with these people but see them in professional (yet relaxed) contexts, is there any way I can address it or should I leave it alone and let them think what they want?

It can be something that was meant well while still being a problem! It’s reasonable to take issue with it. It matters that men are businessmen while women doing the same thing get labeled “moms.” (I’m sure no one is calling your male colleagues “widget dad.”)

You could say this next time you talk to that person: “By the way, I was thinking about what you said about people calling me ‘widget mom.’ I appreciate that it’s well-intended, but I always think that kind of label devalues women as businesspeople. I’d be grateful if you shut it down.”

4. Employee keeps texting to say he’s sick but still coming in

I have an employee who is young and new to the professional world. His work product is great, but his work ethic is questionable. I can chalk all of it up to maturity level, and overall everything is fine. That said, there is one thing he does that I don’t like, and I’m not sure how to word the conversation.

A handful of times, he has texted me to tell me he is sick but still coming in to work. This morning, I got a detailed text about his ailments, which ended with, “I’m still coming in, but wanted you to know if I seem a little off.” I texted back and told him not to come into the office. He didn’t. But this same thing happened a few weeks ago, and he didn’t want to use his sick leave. His claim is that he didn’t call in, was totally willing to come in, and I told him not to, so he shouldn’t have to take the sick day.

That’s bananapants, right? We’re a small office, and when one person comes in sick, it’s like a domino effect (and then I end up working tons extra, even if I, too, get sick). I want to tell him that if he is texting me to tell me he is puking or running a fever, but is coming in and “may seem a little off,” just to go on and call in sick and not leave the decision for me. Can I do that? We get plenty of days per year, and they don’t roll over or get paid out, so I’m not sure why he isn’t taking them.

Yes, you can do that. The wording you want is: “If you are throwing up, running a fever, or otherwise sick, you need to stay home and use sick leave. In addition to it being the right thing for your own health, I don’t want you to risk infecting other people by coming in. This isn’t negotiable; you can’t put other people’s health at risk.”

You might also ask if he’s concerned about running out of sick time; even though you think it shouldn’t be the case, it’s worth asking since you never know if there’s a concern like that underlying his actions. (If there is, the answer still won’t be “come in while vomiting,” but it’s useful to know if there’s something a concern you need to help him figure out how to address.)

Related:
my employee keeps coming to work sick

5. Talking about success stories as a tutor

I work as a private tutor in math and science. My name is on a tutor list for a local high school, so I get jobs from them, as well as getting referrals from former students and their parents. Something happened last week that has never happened before: a job interview! In person, I met with the mother and the aunt at the library (in a reserved room, so we could speak freely).

She asked me reasonable questions: about my methods, like did I have a curriculum (no, I would prefer to help with homework and current classwork and answer old questions and topics as needed) and did I work with teachers (almost never).

Then she asked me a stumper: did I have any success stories? I was taken aback. It was a good question once I gave it some thought, but I tried to convey to the mother that I was much more concerned with my relationship with the student than with their scores or grades. I sought to be a cheerleader and confidence builder, never another source of stress or pressure. I also had to answer some other valid question about how I would know if the student could do the work on their own without me next to them, but that question I felt like I could answer since I usually probed for understanding at the beginning and end of a session.

I think my actual question is about how I can build a useful response to the concerns of a parent about my qualifications. I almost never find out what happens at the end of the school year, and I can’t predict from year to year if I will even see the student again.

Yeah, if I were hiring a tutor for my kid, I’d be glad that you saw yourself as a cheerleader and confidence builder, but I’d also expect the primary goal to be ensuring my kid improved their skills and understanding of the material. If that’s not your philosophy, it’s good to talk that through before deciding to work together. But you also say that you check for understanding at the beginning and end of sessions, so it sounds to me like you do both; you just haven’t figured out how to describe that piece of it.

I suspect you do have success stories like that if you think about it, though! Have you seen kids gain in understanding and confidence and improve their grades through their work with you? Have you worked with kids who struggled with X when your work started but were able to do problems centering around X successfully by the end of your time together? Those are the sorts of success stories parents are looking for. You don’t need to produce test results, but you do want to talk about what the outcomes of your work will be/usually are.