update: how do I step back from a friendship with an intensely negative and argumentative coworker?

Remember the letter-writer asking how to step back from a friendship with an intensely negative and argumentative coworker?

Here’s the update.

Your advice was excellent and gave me a lot to think about.

First, I did not have the heart to mention the odor issue to my coworker, primarily because they are often very sensitive around me and I had concerns that they would lash out. Oddly enough, the odor has improved somewhat, so maybe someone else mentioned it to them. That brings me to your point about my intentions with this person.

You are so right that I am spending time with them out of fear, rather than genuine interest. Things with Morgan were great at first when we just chatted about non-work topics. I’ve tried re-routing conversations there when they pop into my office to get us back to that place. It’s worked and not worked. For example, recently they were talking about their frustrations with our administration (quite loudly in my office). I kindly discouraged them and said that we should talk about it over drinks instead. They laughed a little and kept on going with their thoughts.

Since then, I’ve tried being much more direct about being busy and not able to talk when they pop in unexpectedly. I’ve also had multiple one-on-one conversations with them about how uncomfortable it makes me to complain about work in my office because I don’t want our colleagues to overhear and get the wrong idea because they heard a snippet of a conversation. They seemed to understand at the time of the conversations but have continued to complain about our workplace administration (loudly in my office) to the point where I now mostly stop talking to them and focus on my work — somehow this has been quite effective!

I think they are more aware of my discomfort/disapproval of the conversation when I withdraw and it has been seemingly ok/without obvious negative consequences? It’s possible that they are now complaining about how unsupportive I am, but I’m seeing that this is better than the alternative (or past practice with them). Depending on how things go from here on out, I might also try to limit my time with them outside of work. We don’t see each other much but, when we do, it’s a lot of the same draining negativity that I find very stressful and unpleasant to dwell on.

Thank you so much for your advice! As a side note, I couldn’t believe how many people chimed in about front-loading washers and mildew smell!

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