MY HUSBAND IS MAKING IT ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE FOR US TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD

We have been married for almost 5 years. We spent the first two years of our marriage doing everything possible to conceive but our efforts proved futile. Our community didn’t spare me the insults and ridicule because of our childlessness. Our marriage was less than a year when they started taunting me. Everyone assumed I was the problem. I don’t know why that is but anytime couples struggle to have a child, it’s the woman who gets the blame. So, they blamed me. They called me infertile. Indirectly.

I couldn’t touch someone’s child without hearing snide comments about my supposed barrenness. Most of the comments came from my husband’s family. They should have known better but they were the ones who made things worse for me. Some days they insulted me to my face. Somedays they shrouded their insults in friendly banter. It was subtle enough for everyone to miss it but loud enough for me to understand. They’ll see me and go like, “As for our family we give birth o. Look at our number.”

They didn’t have to explain. I got what they meant; “If there is a reason you two can’t have children then the reason is you and not our son.”

But before my husband and I got married, we agreed we wouldn’t start having kids right from the start. We understood that having children came with a lot of costs so we wanted to be prepared before children start coming. We gave ourselves a year. The plan was to save for a year so we could land on a soft cushioned when children start coming.

Right after marriage, we started following our plan. We saved money every month and did our best to prevent pregnancy. Almost five months into our arrangement, my husband came home from work with an announcement; “One of my colleagues at work had a baby ooo. They married recently, remember?” It wasn’t the announcement that got to me. It was the way his face lit up when he said it. I said to him, “Very soon it would be our turn. We need to stick to our plan and keep pushing.” The following week he came back from work with a similar announcement and with excitement in his voice. Another work colleague had a baby.

“Is there something he wants to tell me that he’s not telling me? Who needs to hear about a colleague giving birth?” Again, I assured him that our time would come soon.

The next two months were filled with his colleagues having babies almost every day. Some of these colleagues, I didn’t know so I didn’t need to know if they had babies or not. I developed the understanding that maybe my husband wanted a child and was communicating it through the various announcements about his colleagues having babies. “He wants us to pull the plug on our plan and start trying for a baby? Is that what he wants?” I asked myself.

I didn’t ask him any questions. I wanted him to be a man and say what was on his mind but he couldn’t so I waited for the right opportunity to tell him what was on my mind and that opportunity arrived sooner than I expected. He came home from work again one day looking like he was coming to tell me about a colleague having a baby. Immediately he opened his mouth I said it with him, “One of my colleagues just had a baby.”

“Why are you taking my words out of my mouth?”

I smiled and asked him, “Should we start trying for ours? It looks like the wait is killing you.” His eyes shone in agreement so we dropped all our precautions and got to business. We tried different positions at different places in the house and at different times of the day. We did it almost every day for five months but I never missed a period.

My husband started getting frustrated. I told him, “The way you want things fast, I will suggest that we go to the hospital and speak to a fertility doctor. That way, we won’t waste our time doing shuperu for nothing.” He shut down my suggestion and insisted we keep trying. At a point, I got tired of all the shuperu we were having. I felt like we were doing it in vain. We didn’t do it purposely for excitement and that got a toll on me. I kept pushing for us to see the specialist until he gave in.

We went together one day and we were both asked to run some tests. When I finished taking my test I went to check on him. He was in the private room holding the sample cup in his hands and wearing a frown. I asked if everything was ok and he said, “How can I be ok? No, I’m not okay. You are the one forcing me to do this and now look at me here. I’m supposed to give them a semen sample but I’ve been trying like forever and nothing comes.” I thought he needed a push so I closed the door and went down on him before he was able to get something. In the end, he got his sample and also got to enjoy the perks that came with it.

When we got the results, it said everything was fine with me but my husband had a low sperm count. They also spoke about the morphology of his sperms. It didn’t look good for him but the good thing was we got drugs before leaving the facility. We started treatment immediately and four months later I conceived. My nine months went smoothly until I delivered a beautiful baby. My in-laws left me alone. The community went mute on the jokes. The evidence was right in their faces that I’m capable of having a child of my own. That was one thing that made me happy and made me thankful to God.

It’s been two years since we had our first child and this is where my problem comes in.

We want to have another child. We’ve been trying for five months but nothing goes our way. I told him, “Why don’t we go back to where we got help for the first one and see if there’s something they can do for us?” He said, “No, I’m not ever going to that place again.” I went alone and run some tests. I am okay just like before. I told him, “I went for some test. They say I’m fine. When are you going to have your test?” He said, “You know my stand. I’m not going back again. We’ve had one child already. It only means we are capable of having another child. Why sweat?”

The annoying part is that he still goes to work and comes back with the news of his colleagues having more babies. Every week has its own child for one of his colleagues; “Do you remember that my colleague who had a baby the other time? Yes, his wife just had another baby. Isn’t it amazing?” I have been patiently trying to get him to go back to the hospital but he tells me, “The fact that we have a child means I’m fine.”

We are stuck now. We keep having sex in hopes that I would get pregnant but I have a feeling it’s all for naught.

I am concerned that we will only end up with one child because of his behavior. I don’t know what gives him that confidence but he’s so sure that we are going to have more kids without seeing the specialist. The other day he woke me up at dawn and told me, “I had a dream that we had little baby girls playing in the house.” Everything is lying to him, including his dream. I don’t know what to do to help the situation.

How do I convince a man to seek help when in his head he believes he’s fine and doesn’t need help?

–OSAA,