MY BOYFRIEND SAYS I’M TOO BROKE TO BE HIS WIFE

I am a twenty-eight-year-old lady in a relationship with a thirty-nine-year-old man. My boyfriend is a divorcé with one child. I work as an office manager and he is an artist who is doing well. He earns enough money from his art to live comfortably. We have been together for a year now and throughout the time period, he has been nothing but good to me. He takes care of me when I am broke. He does little things that make me fall deeper in love with him. Our relationship has been smooth until recently when he started giving me excuses as to why marriage is not possible between us. 

After my twenty-eighth birthday, I reflected on how far I’d come in life. I have a job that isn’t paying me much but at least it is stable. I’m better than someone who isn’t working and what I earn can cover some aspects of my life. I have a boyfriend who loves and adores me as much as I do. At 28, I’m not getting any younger and my biological clock is ticking. I realised that my boyfriend is someone I foresee myself getting married to. He is also the kind of man I want to father my children. I figured it was best I mentioned the subject of marriage so I see where I truly stand in his life. 

One evening we were having a little conversation when I said “When do you see us getting married?” 

He didn’t say anything at that moment. He just went quiet and his mood changed. I tried to change the topic. I tried to bring his mood back to normal but the rest of our night was filled with a heavy silence. I walked on pins and needles around him, not knowing if my mention of marriage had ruined things for us. I was worried sick until finally, he opened up to talk.

He said, “The reason I didn’t say anything when you asked about marriage is that I don’t see us getting married anytime soon. I don’t think either of us is ready, especially you. You are not financially independent enough to enter into marriage.” I was confused for a moment; “What do you mean I’m not financially independent? I have a job.” He responded, “A job that pays you GHC1200 at the end of the month? Do you call that financial sustainability? You and I know you run out of money by the middle of the month. Your upkeep from there is dependent on my goodwill. How do you call this a job when it doesn’t pay you enough to cover your existence?”

“You know I have a lot of expenses to make,” I reminded him. 

He went on to remind me of the number of times he had asked me to get a side job or start a side business. He said, “We’ve been together for an entire year and during this period you have never done anything domestic when you visit me. All you do is rest and watch movies whiles my househelp cleans and cooks. I don’t expect you to take over her roles but you could at least pitch in. How am I supposed to know that you can run our home if we get married?” He continued to elaborate on the financial part of our relationship. He said that marriage brings more financial responsibilities especially when there are children involved. He says he wouldn’t want to add that kind of pressure to his life without any financial support from me. He told me, “I work very hard for the life I live and I want to maintain it. You know that I pay child support for my child every month. At the end of the day, our getting married will favour you and not me. I will end up taking care of you and I wouldn’t get anything out of it. In short, I like our relationship as it is.” 

I was hurt by the things he said. I think that it is unfair that he is trying to measure my value in our relationship by how much money I am worth. I also work very hard even though I don’t earn much. My workplace is far from where I live so I spend a lot of money on transportation. At the end of the month, I give my parents money. Because of these things I am left with very little to spend on myself. That is the reason my money runs out before the month ends. I’m not a lazy person. I have tried to do something on the side but my job is very demanding. I leave the house very early in the morning and return late at night. I am usually too tired to do anything else. I use the weekends to rest and recuperate. It’s even why I sleep a lot when I go to his place. As for the domestic part, I don’t see why it’s an issue. He already has someone who does those things for him and has never complained.

I may not contribute financially to the relationship but I bring other qualities to the table. I love and care for his daughter. I love and support his work. I invest my time and emotions into the relationship, and I am committed to him. I don’t get why he is saying we are not ready for marriage. Is that what marriage is about these days? What about love, commitment, and family? I am wondering if he truly loves me. 

If he is saying that I’m too broke to be his wife then he doesn’t love me as much as I love him. I have been crying since we had that conversation. How does he expect me to continue the relationship without any promise of marriage? I am going crazy here because I don’t know what to do. The future of our relationship looks bleak as I don’t know when my financial situation would change for him to consider me worthy to be his wife. Where should I go from here? Should I continue to stay with him and hope he changes his mind? Should I fold up before it’s too late? He had been there before. He has had a wife and experienced what it takes to be married. I haven’t been there. Can that also be the reason why he’s feeling marriage to me is not worth it?  

–Ama,