I Have Everything In This Marriage Except Happiness

I long to feel loved and valued. I have said this to my husband several times but he doesn’t get it. I just wish he would understand that affection, intentionality, and shared moments matter to me. All he does is tell me he loves and appreciates me. I don’t see any of that in his actions. How can someone truly love a woman without being intentional about showing it?

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He was always like this when we got married. I was 25 then. He told me he was raised in a polygamous family. This means he never had a good example of how to love a woman properly. His father wasn’t the kind of man to be affectionate with his women. That’s why I was patient with him right from the beginning.

I didn’t hold it against him when he didn’t celebrate my birthday or when he treated our anniversary as if it was just a regular day. I gave him grace. I made excuses for him.

“Oh, he is not used to the notion of romance and showing grand gestures. Maybe he will come around.”

I told myself that all that mattered was that we were building our life together.

Now, I am in my mid-thirties, and I find myself very unhappy with the way things have been over the years. He is not an irresponsible husband, far from that. Even when he is detached and distant, he has never shirked his responsibilities. He is a great provider.

When we started having kids he asked me to stay home to take care of the family. “Leave the bills to me,” he said, “I will focus on bringing home the daily bread.”

I listened to him, and so far, I don’t regret it. Our arrangement has worked smoothly over the years. That’s one thing I love about him, he is a man of his word.

Another thing I am grateful for is how deeply he loves our children. I couldn’t have asked for a better father for them. We raise them in a peaceful and loving home. There was not a day that they were disturbed because they saw us fighting. That’s not who we are, we rarely argue even. When there is a misunderstanding somewhere, we just sit and talk about it.

I am giving all this context so you won’t think I have a bad marriage. What I have, is a marriage that feels empty to me. There’s no true intimacy or genuine affection between us.

He avoids conversations about “us”, you know, just the two of us as a couple. He thinks that because I am physically well and financially taken care of, I should be emotionally fine as well. When I try to tell him my emotional needs have been neglected, he dismisses me.

“You are just looking for problems where there are none,” he would say.

If there is an actual problem I am addressing, he would say it’s not a big deal, and that I am the one making mountains out of molehills.

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For instance, to this day, he never wants to celebrate my birthdays. He still treats our anniversaries like ordinary days. I’ve told him how much this hurts me, but he shows no interest in changing. Last month, on our 10th wedding anniversary, he was away in the U.S. for work. All he did was call to say “happy anniversary,” and that was it.

Meanwhile, I had prepared a gift package for him. He, on the other hand, didn’t bother getting any gifts for me. I felt heartbroken.

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Even after he returned from being away for four years, his time is mostly spent with friends or on family outings. Every attempt I have made to plan a date night for just the two of us has been turned down.

Marriage is a continuous work but it appears my husband has given up. He is content with the way things are. I don’t know if I should keep pushing for things to change or if I should continue being unhappy. I just want us to spice things up a little. Am I asking for too much?

—Francess 

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