GREG GUTFELD: Biden has finally begun making some public appearances to disprove the notion that he's dead

So, after being criticized for avoiding the media, Joe Biden has finally begun making some public appearances to disprove the notion that he's dead. And who did he start with? Howard Stern. That's right. "The King of All Media" interviewed the "Petrified of All Media." It was a weird appearance for Fart Man, and Howard Stern didn't look that great either. But what an appearance it was. Of course, Joe had trouble hearing the questions, not because of his age, but because Howard had his head so far up the president's a** it was muffled. It wasn't an interview, it was a Lewinski. The only thing missing was a blue dress and an actual president. 

It's a clear indication that the king of all media is now the queen of all BJs. Hey, you know, maybe Stern got a sex change because all I saw when I looked at this interview was one giant p****. Who knew the Stern Show would be a safe space for spineless, babbling geriatrics and also Joe Biden? But what was really notable was how Stern lapped up all the lies. Joe spinned more yarn than Mother Goose on crystal meth. But that's the Dems' dilemma- hide Joe and have him look demented, or let him talk and remove all doubt. He's full of more hogwash than Joy Behar's bathtub. First of all, Joe lied about how he got busted at a protest while standing on a Black family's porch.

JOE BIDEN: He said, Joey, remember? True story. He said remember when there are desegregating Linfield, the neighborhood with, you know, 70 homes built in white suburbia. And I told you, and there was a Black family moving in, and there was people who were down there protesting. I told you not to go down there. And you went down. Remember that? And you came and got arrested by standing on the porch with a Black family.

HOWARD STERN: Right?

JOE BIDEN: They brought you back, the police? I said, yeah, mom, I remember that.

BIDEN ROASTED FOR AGREEING TO DEBATE TRUMP ON HOWARD STERN: ‘HIS HANDLERS MUST BE FURIOUS!’

You know, whenever he says, "true story," that's a tip off. I bet the mom recalls this differently. Back then, she remembers him saying, you know remembers herself saying, will, someone please tell that White kid to get off our porch? He keeps sniffing our baby's hair. Of course, no one can find a record of this arrest. They tried. Biden also claimed to have been a runner up in state scoring in football.

HOWARD STERN: I don't think a lot of people know that you were a star receiver in high school. You were like the first string guy. You were the guy who caught the ball.

JOE BIDEN: Runner-up in state scoring. You know. 

HOWARD STERN: Wow.

Oh, man. Stern knows his life story better than he does. But I suppose the best evidence Joe Biden played football is the brain damage. Stern then asked another phony question about being a lifeguard.

HOWARD STERN: Did you ever save anyone's life when you were a lifeguard? Was anyone ever drowning?

JOE BIDEN: Yeah.

HOWARD STERN: You did?

JOE BIDEN: Yeah, well, half a dozen times. Usually younger kids, you know? But uh... 

HOWARD STERN: You do the thing with the whistle and then jump in in the bathing suit?

JOE BIDEN: Yeah, you got it.

BIDEN APPEARS TO READ SCRIPT INSTRUCTIONS OUT LOUD IN LATEST TELEPROMPTER GAFFE: ‘FOUR MORE YEARS, PAUSE'

Yeah, half a dozen kids. Remember the good old days when Howard Stern interviewed more intelligent people who could maintain a line of thought, you know, like crack whores? Stern then told Biden that the president had had a very cinematic life. You have the movie Pinocchio. And what's up with Stern? It feels like he became everything he used to hate. But maybe this is all he really wanted. The role of the everyman was just an act, a conduit for acceptance by the elites who used to hate him. Then there's Joe saying how, as a senator in the 70s, he was named the most eligible bachelor. 

JOE BIDEN: It's like when I when I met, when I met Jill, I was when I lost my family. I got put in that ten most eligible bachelor's list.

HOWARD STERN: Because you were a United States senator. You were a catch.

JOE BIDEN: And so, and a lot of lovely women. But women would send very salacious pictures, and I'd just give them to the Secret Service.

No. Senators don't get as Secret Service detail. Joe Biden didn't get one until, 2008, and he showed them his gratitude by swimming nude in front of them in the pool. You can read that headline there. I'm too lazy. So you gotta wonder who Joe was actually giving these pictures to. Are there a bunch of retired Senate ushers with photos of Liz Warren wearing only a feather? But I gotta say, man, Howard Stern's the only guy that makes Seth Meyers look cutting-edge. I mean, he really did reinvent himself. He went from being a funny a**hole to just a boring a**hole. 

So Joe's next stop, the White House Correspondents Dinner. The drink of the night was vinegar and water because that's what you serve at a douchebag convention. Now, the event is held in a huge ballroom in D.C., which is ironic, since there's never been anyone spotted there with a pair of balls. Thousands of media, politicians and needy celebs gathered to tell each other how great they are. It's like working for Kim Jong Un. A bunch of weak, scared people pretending to like a tyrant so they don't get eaten by his dog. The event was hosted by Colin Jost, whose claim to fame is banging Scarlett Johansson. But if that's your claim to fame, you should claim that fame, I get it. But from the podium, he did what was expected. He made a few jokes with those directed at Joe or the non-Fox media, having all the sting of a knock- knock joke. 

It's hard to say which had less real teeth- Stern's interview, Colin's jokes, or Biden himself, but the weakest part was how Jost had made his comedy turn into a preachy devotional to Biden. His jokes weren't meant to be funny at all, just to express amazement over how it could be possible that America would prefer Trump to Joe. As for the prez, he received a standing ovation for managing to stand. Although his speech was the usual combo of shouting weird grins and shots at Trump. Why repeat him? You heard him before, but the story is what you didn't hear on Stern or in DC. And that's what's happening in and to America. 

No wonder they'd rather joke about Trump, who isn't president. It's hard to make jokes about violent crime, war, crippling inflation, mental illness, squatting, homelessness, illegal immigration, fentanyl overdoses, trans militancy, and, of course, American hostages. But whether you're Howard Stern or Joe Biden, it's just better to seclude yourself from the rabble surrounded in wealth, comfort and power and hope the rest of America won't notice. But we do. 

In a way, Stern and Biden are a lot alike, masquerading as men of the people, they actually find people gross. But if it's any consolation, the feeling's mutual.