9 lessons on love and marriage from the Song of Solomon

“Do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” (Song of Solomon 2:7)

I was in the sanctuary, a fly on the wall, listening to this fervent appeal of my pastor to excited teenagers during a special youth night message enticingly titled: Let’s talk about sex!

I was in my 30s and enthralled. I wish someone had told me that in my youth.

I went home and pored over the book from which that exhortation came, eager to plumb the deep well of that wisdom that so countered every piece of advice I’d ever heard.

I promised God then I would do romance His way. 

I had to wait 20 years to fulfil that promise. But every day was a new chance to cull from the book that yields fresh gems each time.

The songs in this book have become even more poignant as I prepare to become a bride in a few months.

I have always known God loves me with a lovingkindness, sometimes dotingly, sometimes with the rod of discipline He knows I need. But I could never reconcile Song of Solomon’s somewhat sensual brand of romance with a God who is fatherly, holy and mighty.

But now, being in a relationship with a man who loves me with a heart bigger than my head, has drawn me to a new depth of intimacy with my Beloved.

Much more than a description of the passionate love between Christ and His Bride, Song of Songs is an unabashed portrayal of the intoxicating romance between a man and a woman, and my long-time guide into the convoluted world of dating and love.

Here are my 9 takeaways from the book of the Bible written by arguably the most eligible man in the Bible.

1. Love is more than a game for two

“We will exult and rejoice in you; we will extol your love more than wine; rightly do they love you.” (Song of Solomon 1:4)

The jubilant chorus by friends over the love between the beloved and the Shulamite woman is proof that love is not just between two people.

My community – my family, my friends, random people who love me – has to rejoice with me. 

They know me in ways I do not know myself. They see beyond my blind spots and straight through my romance-tinted glasses. They love me enough to warn me against a relationship at the risk of losing my friendship.

The late Pastor Tim Keller said: “We cannot hear ourselves from the inside the same way others can hear us from the outside. Similarly, we cannot see us the same way our friends [and family] see us.”

I have been pulled back by godly counsel and loving friends from the precipice of ungodly unions and potentially a life away God.

The Man I am About to Marry has received the rubber stamp of approval from everyone in my community: Parents, siblings, nephews and nieces, besties, coworkers, spiritual leaders.

Yes, I am very kiasu but I like the security of knowing that so many pairs of eyes and so many hearts have vetted this man for me.

2. Love does not lurk

“He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.” (Song of Solomon 2:4)

This verse brims with such excitement by the beloved about the relationship and overflows with so much pride in his woman that he went big with the announcement.

I do not mean one has to flaunt the relationship with public displays of affection nor to parade every date. But there is a difference between waiting for the right time to tell and always kissing in the shadows.

I was in a relationship that was shrouded in secrecy the whole time we were a couple because “my parents don’t know about you yet”, “our coworkers should not know”, “my friends are too busy to meet”.

I eventually met one of his friends, who suggested I cut myself loose. I did, but only after lots of hot tears and heartbreak.

The Fiancé kept me under wraps for months as he quietly assimilated me into his life. But when the time was ripe, he eagerly pulled me with lots of affection into his circles and happily inserted himself into my very large (and loud) family and motley crew of friends.

3. Only fools rush in

“I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” (Song of Solomon 2:7; 3:5, 8:4)

Even Elvis Presley with his busy love life knew this.

Although this verse primarily addresses sexual intimacy before marriage, it has also taught me not to hurry a relationship through its stages before its time.

This is so important it was repeated three times by a woman punch-drunk with love who could muster enough sobriety to understand the “sweet fruit” of love will sting and stink before its time.

4. Don’t empty the basket

“The mandrakes give forth fragrance, and beside our doors are all choice fruits, new as well as old, which I have laid up for you, O my beloved.” (Song of Solomon‬ ‭7‬:‭13‬) ‬‬

For 2o years, I chose to reserve my “choice fruit”, the thinly-veiled euphemism for sexual intimacy, for my spouse, even though there was no spouse on the horizon. I wanted my spouse, should he come along, to have the best of me in every way.

In Fitzgerald’s novel, Emotional Bankruptcy, Josephine Perry, who has a penchant for going through men in whom she has no interest, was horrified she could stir up no excitement from the kisses of the man she loved when she did eventually meet him.

“What have I done? What have I done?” she wails, realising that “one cannot both spend and have”, and that “the love of her life had come by, and looking in her empty basket, she had found not a flower left for him – not one.”

The charge by the Shulammite woman, reinforced by Josephine’s cries of dismay, was a recurring reminder to me to keep the fruit in the basket.

5. Carve out we-time

“Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.” (Song of Solomon 2:13)

Though the beloved keeps the maiden at the centre of his world in the banqueting house, he calls her away with him for one-on-one time.

Our communities provide a crucial platform for us to discover one another, but only time alone can bring the intimacy and growth that make a relationship solid.

I was in a relationship where the boyfriend always invited his pals along for football and beer. Although I had fun with the friends, we never grew as a couple and the relationship always hung by a thread.

Eventually the thread broke and I realised I was the only one in the relationship the whole time.

6. Make it exclusive

My beloved is mine, and I am his. (Song of Solomon 2:16)

“Are we exclusive?”

The Fiancé was completely thrown off when I asked him that for the first time.

In what I deem was an uncomplicated dating life, he had assumed dating equals exclusivity equals marriage as an end goal. He was one of the easy ones.

I discovered when I lived in New York that dating in a city teeming with singles was a minefield. From what I’ve heard, dating in Singapore was no walk in the park either. Navigating that treacherous terrain has taught me never to assume a relationship is exclusive just because a couple hangs out and enjoys each other.

If I had known then what I know now, I would have wasted no time wiping the dust off my feet when the boyfriend cajoled me with: “Isn’t it just nice to be together? Why do we need a label on this?”

There should be no question of the status of a relationship. There should be no doubt about its exclusivity.

The verse says “my beloved is mine”, and no one else’s and “I am his” and no one else’s.

7. Be glad, not sad

“Go out, O daughters of Zion, and look upon King Solomon, with the crown with which his mother crowned him on the day of his wedding, on the day of the gladness of his heart.” (Song of Solomon‬ ‭3‬:‭11‬ )

A friend of mine wept throughout her bachelorette party and tried in futility all night to numb her grief with alcohol. That should have been a clue that the wedding should never have taken place. But it did, with 500 guests and plenty of glitz and ritz.

The marriage imploded eventually and irretrievably.

The tears of the bride-to-be and the stunning collapse of that marriage stayed with me.

The unhappy bride and this verse sealed my conviction that a God match should bring gladness of heart and not a bucket full of sadness.

8. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder

“You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride; you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace.” (Song of Solomon 4:9)

I had been on a steady diet of misguided belief that only the best-dressed, the best-spoken, the best brains packaged in the best body and fronted by the best face wins. So this verse took my breath away.

Was it really possible to stagger someone with just “one glance” of my eyes? Could it be that a man really would look beyond my flaws – external and internal – and proclaim: “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.” (Song of Songs 4:7)?

In my heart of hearts, I knew this was only possible if the man saw me through the eyes of Christ, who made me perfect.

The Fiancé told me his heartbeat picked up speed when he met me the first time – brassy blonde highlights, shrill voice and incessant grilling notwithstanding.

I would not have been his first choice had our paths crossed at a different time, in a different place, nor he mine with his geek-chic hair and deliberate, meticulous ways.

We are by no means perfect. But our Father, who knows us perfectly and loves us perfectly, gave each of us the good and perfect gift of each other.

9. Marry your best friend

“His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.” (Song of Solomon 5:16)

I have been forewarned enough times that when the romance fades and the passion fizzles out, I’d better have something more solid than fireworks to look forward to.

CS Lewis said: “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too?’”

The Fiancé and I both believe bagels are the perfect companion to coffee, that jokes have to be corny to be funny, and that the best trip we can take together is a journey through life with Jesus.

Before we became a couple, we were friends who had no trouble moving from shallow ribbing to deep talks about everything under the sun (except American politics).

Our romantic relationship only deepened the friendship instead of distracting from it. We both believe our marriage has to be a friendship for life. Nothing less.

The most purposeful description I have heard on this was from Tim and Kathy Keller in their book, The Meaning of Marriage: “It is a way for two spiritual friends to help each other on their journey to become the persons God designed them to be.”

That, to me, is the sum of love and marriage.

This story first appeared in the blog Quierotango and is republished with permission.

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