Why I Didn’t Leave My Husband When He Cheated

The worst form of cheating comes from the one you didn’t see coming. And the one that kills everything in you is the kind everyone gets to know about before you do. My husband’s cheating came in these two forms: I didn’t see it coming because I trusted him so much, and everyone got to know about it before me because I was too blind to see what was going on. Love isn’t blind. It’s the deception from people we love that blinds us.

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Martin and I started life from nothing. We were both unemployed and in love, but because love wouldn’t feed us or bring our dreams to reality, we both set out to make life better. I got a great job with a good salary, so I had to leave town and move to Accra to work.

A few months after I left, he called to tell me, “Why don’t I come and live with you so I can start looking for work in Accra? If I stay here, nothing will work for me.”

At the time, I was living in a single-room self-contained apartment. I said, “Why not? That’s a great idea, but no one should know you’re living with me.”

He came to Accra and lived with me for over a year before getting a job through my connections. Because of him, I had to entertain a married man who wanted to sleep with me for a very long time. The man was influential and could help Martin get a job, so I didn’t push him away. Instead, I pleaded with him to help “my brother” get a job. He said, “You want something from me, but you won’t give me what I want.”

Once he helped Martin get a job, I disappeared. I used his marriage as the reason I couldn’t be with him. He was very angry, but by then Martin already had a job, and he couldn’t blame him for my refusal to sleep with him.

Once Martin got a job, I exhaled loudly. I slept better. When I dreamed, I dreamed of meadows instead of dry land. It was tough taking care of a boyfriend for more than a year, but that was what I did without complaint.

We lived together until we saved enough to move into a bigger apartment. A year after moving into that apartment, we got married. Martin was my first boyfriend. That means all my life, he’s the only man I’ve ever known.

Fifteen years into the marriage and three children later, I discovered Martin had two children with another woman from our hometown. His first child with that woman is five months older than our first child. Every time he told me he was going home to see his parents or attend a family meeting, he was busy raising another family. His parents and relatives were aware of these two children. When the secret came out, they told me they thought I already knew.

Two children with the same woman can’t be an accident, right? When the truth finally came out, Martin broke down at my feet, crying and asking for forgiveness. He even blamed demons for possessing him to do such a thing. He said, “Looking at all the things you’ve done for me, what would push me to do this if it’s not the devil himself?”

Our families called a meeting and asked for the way forward. I said, “Way forward? No, there’s no way forward.” His father asked, “Does this mean you’re leaving the marriage?” My dad added, “Consider the kids and their future before you make a decision.” I said, “I didn’t say I was leaving the marriage. Of course I’m not. He has asked for forgiveness, and I have forgiven him.”

Everyone present jubilated. “This is a woman who loves her husband,” one man said. “A woman like you is what society needs. You have wisdom,” another woman said. Martin’s mother added, “Thank you for doing the right thing. It’s not easy to forgive, but with God on your side, everything will be fine.”

Martin got up, hugged me, and thanked me. We came back home as husband and wife, but there’s something no one knows. I didn’t forgive my husband. I left the marriage the day I found out he was cheating. I’ve known only him all my life, but he chose another woman over me.

When people say divorce is a bad thing, they are right, because divorce changes your life completely. It changes where you live, it can change the school your children attend, it changes your neighborhood and community, and it changes who you are. I love the life I’m living with him, where he carries the bigger part of the financial burden and I carry the bigger part of the domestic burden. He pays the children’s school fees and pays for the home we live in. For the house we are building, he pays the larger part of the cost. When any of us is sick, he pays the medical bills. He is useful, and I know that once divorce happens, he will stop doing all that.

He would be bitter and might even stop sending child support. We would have to go through court processes to settle who gets what. If he doesn’t pay child support, I would have to go through the same court process again to force him to pay. It’s exhausting, but that’s what divorce brings. So instead of leaving this marriage, I decided to stay and watch him do all that every day. Once the children grow and leave home, I’ll leave the marriage and go to the life I’ve carefully planned for myself over the years.

Our marriage is now divided into two parts: B.C. and A.C. That’s Before Cheating and After Cheating. I was a supportive wife in B.C. In A.C., there is no kindness, no support, no care. What’s mine is mine, and what’s his is ours. I want to live and make him pay for my existence. Leaving will expose me and the children to many unfavorable situations, and I won’t do that. I will stay and control those situations.

Someone will say, “Why don’t you forgive him? When you forgive, it helps you more than the person you’re forgiving.”

No, I can’t forgive him. When someone you trust, the only man you’ve ever been with, the man you sacrificed so much for does this to you, you can’t just wake up and forgive. It stays with you forever. It affects your relationships with other people and changes how you see the world. He destroyed everything for me, and you think such a person deserves forgiveness? No.

I’ve learned to detach from everything we once had. The emotional connection is gone. There’s no love or care for him, but I don’t hate him. I’m simply indifferent toward him. I will give him sex only when I want to, and when it happens, I will give it my all, knowing very well it may be weeks or months before another time.

He’ll notice the change and ask why, and I’ll tell him, “Don’t worry. Everything is fine.”

Marriage Through the Eyes of Millennials and Gen-Z

I don’t know who taught me this or where I learned it from, but I believe it’s better for me. I’m emotionally divorced, but everyone thinks I stayed because I’m a “virtuous” woman. I only stayed so I can leave when it suits me. After all, what’s out there to take? Children? I already have them. A fulfilling job? I have it. Christ? He lives in me. And besides, it’s the same cheating men out there.

—Aurora

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