What Your Number of Sexual Partners Says About You

“What’s your number?” is a question that many couples dread, yet still bravely pose in hopes of gaining insight into each other’s sexual pasts. The ‘number,’ or number of past sexual partners you’ve had, also known as your ‘body count,’ can be a meaningful data point to some people, or totally unimportant to others. For instance, too much information could leave your partner feeling insecure or uncomfortable once they’ve heard the answer, but some partners may not mind at all. And, of course, what the number actually is may play a big role in their reaction. So are we obligated to tell our partners how many people we’ve had sex with if asked? If it’s not brought up, is it even a conversation worth initiating? And do we have to be truthful when it does come up? According to a 2018 Superdrug survey of more than 2,000 men and women, 81 percent of respondents think your number of sexual partners is something you should talk about within the first eight months of dating, while 30 percent think a discussion of your sexual history is necessary within the first month of the relationship. Depending on how you feel about sex, your “number” can be a source of pride, shame or a whole range of other emotions. As such, sharing that number with someone else can feel incredibly vulnerable. RELATED: What Is Sex Negativity and Why Is It a Harmful Concept? Before you go tallying up your hookups, there are a lot of things to consider to ensure that the conversation is productive as opposed to problematic. Here’s everything you need to know about revealing your sexual history, and what your number of partners says about you. What Your Number of Partners Says About You Should I Tell My Partner My Number? There’s no strong obligation to tell your partner exactly how many people you’ve had sex with — unless you’ve never had sex before, in which case it’s an important and useful bit of context for them. But otherwise, how important is it to open up about it? It really depends on how you and your partner feel. If either of you feels strongly that it’s important to share (or to not share) your numbers, defaulting to the preference of whoever feels most strongly may be the easy way to go. On the flip side, however, this conversation (or the absence of it) could be an important one if there are underlying sexual concerns that need to be addressed — things like jealousy, anxiety over STIs, strong belief in the moral quality of sex, either positive or negative, etc. Many couples opt not to talk about sex much since these conversations can be awkward, but having them together and learning to navigate these issues early on can be a huge asset for a relationship going forward. In fact, if you are your partner strongly disagree about whether it’s appropriate to share your numbers with each other, it could be a sign that this is an area you’ll need to do some work on, potentially with a sex therapist, so it doesn’t become a dealbreaker issue later on. Could My Number of Sexual Partners Be Too High or Too Low? According to the aforementioned survey, Americans’ average number is around 7.2 sexual partners in their lifetimes. That said, the number ranges quite dramatically from state to state — the average for Louisiana residents was 15.7 partners, while it was just 2.6 for Utah residents. And, because the numbers are self-reported, they may not all be accurate, skewing the data either up or down. RELATED: How to Kick Sexual Shame It’s also important to note that these statistics refer to the average number over an entire lifetime, and your number will be heavily impacted by factors such as age, location and upbringing. It’s next to impossible to determine whether a number is “normal” or not, but if it falls between 7 and 16, it’s on par with the rest of the country. And if it’s either higher or lower than that range, there’s nothing inherently wrong with that either. Some people have naturally higher sex drives or are outgoing in a way that leads to more opportunities to have sex; others may be on the asexual spectrum, less outgoing, not yet comfortable enough with sex to pursue it, or simply more oriented towards long-term, monogamous relationships. RELATED: What Does It Mean to Be Asexual What If One of Us Doesn’t Want to Share Our Number? There’s always a chance that your partner won’t want to disclose how many people they’ve slept with, either because they feel embarrassed about it, they’re worried it might change your perception of them or both. If that’s the case, you shouldn’t push them for information they aren’t ready to share. Keep in mind, however, that their hesitance to reveal their number may point to some trust issues. That’s why Dr. Joshua Klapow, clinical psychologist and host of “The Kurre and Klapow Show,” advises asking why they don’t want to talk about it. “You can and should respect their right to privacy, but at the same time, they should respect your request,” he explains. “This also comes down to why are you asking and why are they not telling. What benefit are you getting from knowing, and what benefit are they getting from keeping it from you?” Making Sure the Conversation Is Comfortable & Respectful If you and your partner decide to tackle this topic, there are some ways to minimize the chances of any issues arising. First, having the conversation in the comfort of your own home is key. You also may want to wait to bring it up until your partner is calm (not after a stressful day at work, or when they’re rushing around for an appointment). Also, be sure to keep things short, simple and to the point. RELATED: How To Deal With Your Girlfriend's Sexual History “While you are discussing how many [people you’ve had sex with], the intimate details are in your past and do not need to be discussed,” says Klapow. “This is a time to neither share too much information nor clam up. Respect boundaries, but also recognize that your willingness to answer the question shows your transparency and trust in your partner.” Overestimating & Underestimating Your Number In the aforementioned Superdrug survey, a whopping 41.3 percent of men and 32.6 percent of women admitted to lying about their sexual history. That’s no real shock — men were more likely to increase their number, whereas women were more likely to decrease it. This likely stems back to outdated social norms that put pressure on men to have more sexual experience to appear masculine, and put pressure on women to have less experience so as not to seem promiscuous, also known as ‘slut-shaming.’ A 2018 study published in “The Journal of Sex Research” also found that men are more likely to estimate rather than actually count their sexual partners, which could obviously suggest that their numbers are less accurate. Clearly, it’s pretty common to fudge your number a bit, but what does that say about you? Whether you add or subtract a few sexual partners, it all boils down to insecurity. Either you don’t feel good about your sexual history, or you fear your partner will judge you. “If you have been with hundreds of people,” Klapow notes, sharing a low number “may help protect the feelings of your partner.” However, the short-term benefits of hiding your real sexual experience may become a long-term liability if your partner ever finds out you lied. “Remember that over- or underestimating calls your trust into question, which is critical to your relationship,” Klapow notes. That said, there’s a difference between being honest and showing off. If you’ve been with a lot of people and are being open about it, don’t go into excessive detail or crow about how cool this makes you — unless your partner explicitly tells you they find this information exciting or fun to hear about. “Bragging about your past partners shows a lack of compassion for your partner,” he adds. RELATED: The Difference Between Sex Brags for Men and Women Does My Number of Sexual Partners Say Anything About Me as a Person? The only thing that your number actually says about you, according to Klapow, is how much sexual experience you have. “The reason for the number is where the important relationship information is,” he says. “Did you develop sexual interests later in life? Did you have less activity for religious reasons? Were there sexual traumas? Were you promiscuous because you love sex or were you promiscuous to get attention?” Ultimately, only you and your partner can determine whether this is a conversation that’s going to prove helpful or harmful. When executed with care and tenderness, it’s a discussion that can foster intimacy and build trust. As long as you feel secure in your past decisions, as well as your current relationship, you should be able to have an honest exchange sans awkwardness, anxiety and judgement. 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