updates: my coworker says he’s my boss but he’s not, and more

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

1. How do I reject a qualified former coworker? (#4 at the link)

I have a brief update with a bit of a twist. Some of the comments from other senior managers gave me more confidence to stand up to the HR Director one last time. I leaned into the concerns being voiced to me from the other engineers and really made it clear that we will probably lose 3 people to fill this one position. We got into a bit of a heated discussion to the point where he became really frustrated and left the office. He called me later that afternoon and basically said he understood where I was coming from but the direction to interview all qualified applicants came down from the COO and if I had an issue with it I needed to settle it with her. He also implied, in a very out of character, non-HRy type of way, that the company wants to avoid a discrimination lawsuit because this particular applicant was in his late 50s and originally from the middle east … so yeah.

I set up a meeting with the COO and explained everything. She immediately understood and stated “there was no way we are interviewing him — I will talk to HR about these type of situations going forward.” So that was a win.

Now the twist! There is a vice president position that opened two weeks ago that reports directly to the CEO and is a big step for my career. The CEO himself strongly encouraged me to apply, which is great. About a week later I got a call from the former employee and I let it go to voicemail: “Hi, I understand not bringing me in to interview for the engineer position, frankly I knew it was way beneath my qualifications but I am very frustrated at my current company. Luckily I just saw the VP position, which would be perfect for me so I am putting in for that, look forward to working with you again in the future!”

I’ll let you know how that goes!

2. Is my manager overreacting to small mistakes? (#2 at the link)

I am still in the same role at the same company. After I completed the performance improvement plan without any additional issues, the original manager I wrote in about is now resigned to working with me. I asked HR about transferring to another department but was told that isn’t possible due to my area of expertise. I am still keeping an eye out for other job opportunities, and I volunteered for projects with other departments to gain additional skills.

Over the past 6 months, I began treatment for adult diagnosed ADHD. I think part of the original frustration my manager had with the minor mistakes I was making is that I genuinely didn’t notice them. Since I have begun therapy and taking medication, I have been able to triple check documents before they go out. If this manager hadn’t been so particular, I might not have sought treatment. In my previous individual contributor role, I was able to meet deadlines and complete work without issues, so I didn’t initially consider that I could have ADHD. (It doesn’t help that as a child I was a quiet female student who fidgeted constantly, chewed my fingernails, and doodled all over my notebooks, but got good grades in school and was good at pretending to pay attention.) When I started this new corporate job, the inattentive ADHD symptoms made paying attention in business meetings and filling out detailed spreadsheets feel like torture.

I know this job is not a good fit, but it pays well and offers much needed flexibility to allow me to handle child and elder care responsibilities. I plan to move into a nonprofit role that better aligns with my strengths and interests next year (when my youngest kiddo starts college). In the meantime, I began volunteering after work at a local nonprofit to remind me that there is more to life than spreadsheets.

Thank you for all your help and advice!

3. My coworker keeps saying he’s my boss … he’s not

Well, I applied to many jobs after that. It was exhausting. I was getting few responses. Finally, I was so stressed due to applying to jobs, working this nuts job, and my home situation, I took a break from applying about two months ago.

At work, the guy who was doing this to me was assigned more sales projects and I barely talked to him. Things settled down. I only “saw” him in Microsoft Teams meetings. Although, the owner includes this guy on just about every meeting he has now. The guy was eventually basically put in charge of sales (for being a marketing analyst! he pulled stats and talked about them at meetings and was praised as if he had caused the good sales stats! It’s ridiculous!) My direct supervisor, the VP who refused to fire him or even talk to him about his behavior, has lately been making comments like, “(The owner) has talked often about his goal of having 500 employees in India (where he is from). He used Covid as an excuse to fire half the U.S. team. I could see him wanting to cut down the U.S. team more and hiring more in India.” So I am worried I am going to lose my job at this point. Then the other day she complimented my work and said she was really impressed with me and that I brought value to the company. These conflicting statements have been happening in meetings since summer. I honestly do not know what to think. I know I cannot advance in this job, I know the owner is cheap and has minimized increases the last few years, and my job might even be in jeopardy. This is important because…

My long distance boyfriend of 11 years and I bought a house together here. We moved in together. It was awful. I tried for a year to make it work, but two weeks ago, my children and I abruptly packed up and move out in ONE day. We are adjusting to our new normal. Obviously, paying rent (which is twice as much as it was before I moved in with my boyfriend) is imperative, so I need this job. I am also freelancing on the side to make ends meet. I am working a lot and don’t really feel I have time to look for another job? I felt that in order to increase my income, I needed to continue my education. I am starting online grad school in January, studying library science, history, and archiving. I am excited for that! But it will take probably 3-5 years to complete. This job is now more bearable since the guy basically doesn’t call me for chats anymore (he used to call almost daily), and I work pretty much alone without much interference. If I can maintain this job, which has excellent flexibility working from home as a single mom, I will stay until I finish grad school and then look for a proper librarian job. I look for and apply to new jobs casually. I have a lot of newsletters and email lists I belong to that send me lists of jobs, so I am sort of passively applying to new jobs.

4. Should a boss attend the funeral for an employee’s family member?

I asked if it was appropriate for a boss to attend the funeral for an employee’s family member.

I really focused on your line about “if you know the person well enough to know they’d appreciate seeing you there, go ahead.” What I did not mention at the time for anonymity’s sake was that I was a new transfer to the team. I wanted to come off strong as a supportive manager, but you were right that I didn’t know her well enough to know if she’d like it or not. The comments had a pretty even split of those who thought it was a lovely gesture and those who would be horrified. I didn’t want to risk my employee being in the “horrified” camp, so I decided against going to the (public) funeral. I ensured that a card and flowers were sent, told her to take off as much time as she wanted, and told her direct reports that while their boss was on bereavement they were not to contact her with any work-related questions whatsoever; send those to me and I’ll help figure it out.

Another way this showed up was at the former branch I worked at, colleagues would regularly gather a collection for the grieving – “here’s something to take care of a dinner so you don’t have to cook, or to do something nice for yourself, whatever you would like.” At THIS branch when I asked about it, they looked at me as if I was suggesting that we cover the cost of the funeral itself. This was very much a “you’ve got to know your office’s culture” situation, which you’ve said many times in other letters! I was grateful for your advice and the input of the commentariat.

5. Should we give extra sick days to employees who can’t work from home? (first update)

First, I was so tickled to be in your favorite posts of 2023 list. Truly one of the best compliments I’ve gotten (I would add it to my resume if I thought you would approve of such a thing!).

Unfortunately, my request has not gone far, which is a signal of other issues within the company. But, I continue to bring the idea up whenever possible and advocate for fairer policies for our non-remote staff in general. Some commenters correctly pointed out that this is a symptom of a bigger issue with our overall PTO policy that affects both remote and in-office people. We simply don’t have enough PTO to be full humans outside of work, which is harder on 100% in-person teammates because they have less flexibility out of the gate. Crossing my fingers that our crazy turnover issues will help leadership understand the extent of this. In the meantime I’ll keep fighting the good fight, and appreciate all the support from you and the commentariat! Hopefully next year I’ll send in a more positive update.