Sex, intimacy and marriage: How can parents model healthy sexuality?

This girl was only in primary school, but at home she was a “policewoman”, always looking over her father’s shoulder to see what he was doing on his device.

It was her vigilance that alerted her mother to the fact that her father had been visiting pornographic sites.

“I think it’s so sad that the primary school daughter has this burden on her that she should be policing the father,” said Benny Bong, a family and marital therapist who related this example to illustrate how sexual issues in a marriage affect children.

“Our kids are not blind. We always think that they’ve got their eyes glued on their computers, but they pick up a lot of information and cues. And when they see that, they begin to be very alarmed.”

Speaking on sexuality’s impact on the family, Benny and other panellists were sharing their experiences and tips at the recent Healthy Sexuality Masterclass organised by Focus on the Family (Focus) Singapore.

Held on August 22 at New Tech Park, the event attracted more than 200 participants who were educators, parents, practitioners and leaders serving in faith-based or community organisations.

Kicking off the session by sharing about current threats to healthy sexuality, Focus Singapore’s Principal Trainer, Joshua Liong, touched on three: The pornography epidemic, counterfeit connections from the rise of AI companions and the infidelity crisis.

Common to all of them was how technology is fuelling these phenomena, which are negatively impacting married couples and children.

While many might already be familiar with how the Internet has made porn more available, he also spent some time unpacking the other two trends.

“AI companions offer constant availability, non-judgement interaction and complete customisation,” said Joshua.

“Yet this creates an emotional intimacy where users prioritise interaction with AI companions over human relationships, fundamentally altering their expectations for real-life connection.”

The prevalence of AI companionship is also coming at a time when loneliness is on the rise, making this confluence of factors dangerous.

As AI becomes our confidants and counsellors, what will happen to human relationships?

“More people are increasingly outsourcing emotional connection to technology. But in turning to digital intimacy, experts say that we are losing the skills needed to connect with other humans,” he elaborated.

As for infidelity, social media has made it easier to engage in such harmful behaviours, with overseas studies claiming that one in three divorces can be traced to online affairs.

Cheating does not necessarily involve crossing physical boundaries, said Focus on the Family Singapore’s Principal Trainer, Joshua Liong.

“The digital age has revolutionised infidelity, making betrayal more accessible than ever,” said Joshua.

“The convenience of digital communication has allowed people to establish emotional connections outside their marriages with unprecedented ease, creating emotional infidelity, which is often considered more devastating than physical cheating because it involves sharing of thoughts and feelings meant to be exclusive to marriage.”

In this first article, we share highlights from the opening address and plenary that focused on challenges to healthy sexuality in a marriage and how that is affecting families.

Moderated by Alicia Boo, Chief, Impact of Focus Singapore, the panel discussion featured these speakers:

• Benny Bong, a family and marital therapist with over 40 years of experience. He is the author of Couples in Crisis and Restoration: Rebuilding Four Areas of My Life. 
• Jason and Shelen Ang, a husband and wife team who have been training other couples in the areas of dating, marriage and parenting. They are married for over 20 years and parents to two boys.

Here is what you need to know about healthy sexuality and how parents can nurture this at home.

1. Healthy sexuality starts from ourselves

We need to first revisit what healthy sexuality means, said Joshua.

At the foundation, it begins with being secure in our own identity and recognising the inherent value of others, then progressing upwards into friendship and connection, relational intimacy then finally, healthy sexuality.

At the top, healthy sexuality is defined by vulnerability, maturity and true intimacy, “a deep, meaningful connection between individuals that extends beyond physical closeness and encompasses emotional, mental and spiritual ties,” he described.

“(This) also protects us from counterfeits like pornography, AI companions, premarital sex, adultery and any sexual activity outside marriage that de-personalises people and strips away their dignity.”

At his opening address, Joshua presented a model of how healthy sexuality can be cultivated. Source: Focus Singapore

Agreeing that sexuality is both personal and interpersonal, Benny said: “The starting point about healthy sexuality is a good understanding of ourselves and a good acceptance of who we are.”

As Christians, we believe that when God created us, we were whole and complete individuals. We also know that man was created for relationships.

“That is almost hard-wired in our DNA,” he added.

But in this fallen world, we see so much “brokenness that needs repair”.

For instance, individuals who are confused about who they should be and cannot accept the way they are. 

When you throw in pornography into the mix, this makes people feel worse about themselves.

“You can’t beat those professionals and well-sculptured bodies,” said Benny.

Giving a recent example he heard of where a young boy was trying to connect with people by sending intimate images of himself, he shared: “Somehow there’s this sense that I need to impress others. I need to kind of advertise myself as to who I am.

“Sadly, many people these days feel that they are somehow incomplete.”

2. Sexuality is more than just sex

When we think of sexuality, we often focus on physical intimacy or the physical experience of sex, noted Benny. But sexuality incorporates a number of elements.

“There’s a cognitive element – the way we think, our expectations. There’s also the emotional element – how we feel about it. Last but not least, the spiritual element,” he outlined.

“The sad thing about the problems we have about sexuality is that people disconnect all of these parts. All of what they’re focusing on is the physical highs that they experience when they have an arousal.

“If there’s a lack of emotional intimacy, then sex becomes functional,” said Benny.

While sex in a marriage can be costly, it needs to be recognised for its value, said Benny.

For instance, when sex is seen mainly as a form of self-gratification or for the purpose of procreation, its role in a marriage has been devalued.

This then becomes dangerous because couples already face so much competition to their sexual intimacy.

Some may start to compare sex with their spouse – which is functional and not always available – to other avenues that they can meet their sexual needs, eg porn or paid sex.

Sex in a marriage is “not always accessible”, Benny pointed out.

When there are conflicts in a marriage, a spouse might say: “You want sex after what you said to me in the living room? No way.”

“Sadly, we are now in a society where we are looking for easier options, more available options,” he observed.

Sex in a marriage is not cheap because “you have to work at building a relationship”, stressed Benny.

3. Lack of intimacy is a cycle that impacts children

What children observe from their parents gets carried over into their own marriage too, said Benny.

Sharing how there was a couple who had been married for more than 20 years that came to see him, he said: “The main struggle is the wife discovered that the husband has actually been in contact with another woman and having very intimate conversations.

“Thankfully, he has not crossed the line in terms of physical intimacy, but the degree of emotional intimacy he shared with this woman shocked and disappointed the wife.

“As I’m working with them, what comes out is that he has said, ‘For years, I’ve been telling my wife that we’re not close, we’re not connected.’ And her response is, ‘Our parents never showed this.’”

In other words, it is hard to do what you have never learnt. “She had a model of intimacy that was not sufficient for the husband in this marriage.”

Concurring that healthy intimacy – which goes beyond the physical – makes a powerful difference in the family, Jason said: “Building this kind of intimacy where there’s emotional safety and mutual respect … this loving connection becomes a model for our children. 

“A marriage marked by intimacy creates a secure and stable environment where our children can grow up with confidence, knowing that Daddy and Mummy love each other, and that their home is a place of love, safety and stability.” 

Going back to the example of the primary school girl who felt like she had to constantly keep watch on her father, Benny added: “That came from her anxiety that something is not right.

“And if children grow up in a household where they are worried about the stability of the home, the marriage and the family, I don’t think it gives them a very good foundation to grow up with.”

4. It’s important for marriages to have safeguards

On the point of how a more connected world is ironically making couples feel more disconnected, the speakers also talked about the erosion of boundaries.

“In today’s digital age, our phone mixes everything together – our work, our friends, our entertainment – all into one device,” said Jason.

“Without clear boundaries, couples may spend more time on screens than with each other, which slowly weakens their bond. 

“If we don’t draw boundaries, then communication will break down.”

Based on responses from a poll conducted at the masterclass, “poor communication” emerged as the top factor for marital breakdowns today.

Compared to decades ago where one’s access to porn was much more restricted, such addictive material is just a click away today, highlighted Benny.

“The digital age taps on a weakness in all of us, no matter what age and what time. And it does it so efficiently, so mechanically, that we have to be more alert to safeguards.”

5. Couples need to work on talking about sex

Before even broaching the topic with their children, are husbands and wives comfortable to talk about sex with one another?

Not in a transactional or functional way, but “how we feel about our sex life”, said Shelen.

“It’s really important for us as a couple to be able to talk about sex, even just to say the word ‘sex’ without blushing, and saying it matter-of-factly in the family as well.”

Shelen also shared how in the Connect2 Just Married workshop that the couple recently conducted for Focus Singapore, sexual intimacy was a topic that participants had to discuss.

“We first start off with exploring our own perspective and our attitudes about sex,” she said.

For instance, do we think sex is “dirty” and why? Some women may also think that “sex is just for the men”.

There might be a need to address something even more fundamental in the marriage too – the way a couple is communicating.

Husbands and wives often share facts, said Shelen.

But when a couple is able to talk about their feelings (“I don’t really quite feel like having sex”) or, better still, their needs (“I really need space tonight” or “I just really need a hug from you”), that deepens the level of communication.

“This kind of open communication creates a family culture of honesty and safety, even around sensitive topics such as sex,” said Jason.

Jason revealed that while he grew up in a home where sex was not discussed, he and Shelen are trying to do things differently.

“When husband and wife are able to talk openly about sex in their marriage, I think it sends a strong signal that sex is not a taboo subject,” said Jason.

“Children will naturally observe how their parents communicate and they will internalise what is considered safe to talk about at home. If they see that openness between their parents, they are far more likely to approach Mum and Dad with their own questions.”

6. Parents should model intimacy at home

Sharing that she and her husband are also not afraid to show signs of physical affection such as kissing and hugging, Shelen said: “We intentionally sometimes demonstrate that. We want to show (our boys) what healthy intimacy can look like between a husband and a wife.”

Noting that parents are usually shy about this topic, Shelen encouraged them to view this from a different perspective.

“When we talk about sexuality, it’s not just the physical act. It’s also about how we respect each other, how we relate to one another. That’s a bit more holistic.”

Our children are already growing up in a culture that is disillusioned with marriage, added Benny.

“Many people are now even thinking, ‘Why get married? What’s the big deal?’ Or many people want to end their marriages.”

If a child does not see their parents demonstrating intimacy, how will they understand the bond that husbands and wives are supposed to share?

“We have to show children that it is a big deal. Marriage is a big deal because it is a place where there is connection and intimacy – and one of it is sexual intimacy,” he explained.

However, Shelen also acknowledged that sexual intimacy “may not come naturally to everyone”.

“My encouragement is that if anyone is struggling with this, they are not alone. There are resources and help that are out there.”

7. Be intentional to engage children on this topic

Reiterating that parents have to take a leading role in talking about sex, Shelen said that “kids are curious” and will turn to other sources such as Google or ChatGPT to look for answers.

But when they are bombarded with so many sites and videos, what kind of message will they walk away with?

Urging parents to initiate conversations with their kids, she asked: “What is the information that we want to impart to our kids?”  

Even though sexuality education is being covered in schools, “it’s important to dialogue with our kids as well”.

Cautioning parents to still keep that “delicate balance”, Benny advised: “While we want to talk about sex, be open about it and not be shy about it, we also want to communicate that it’s a private experience, almost a sacred experience – a mystery that is enjoyed in a very close relationship.”

Ultimately, we want to emphasise the importance of healthy intimacy within the context of marriage, where husbands and wives experience the fullness of that connection and emotional bond.

“So we’re trying to achieve a number of things while we’re talking about sex. Let’s debunk the myth, let’s make it open, but let’s also not cheapen it in a different form.”

This is the first in a series of articles on Focus on the Family Singapore’s Healthy Sexuality masterclass. Look out for more practical tips on how to guide the next generation towards healthier views on sexuality.

RELATED STORIES:

Don’t wait until it hurts. Here’s where to get help for your marriage

“It is going to hurt a lot,” says counsellor Benny Bong, but marital recovery after an affair is possible

“To have a happy marriage, learn how to manage conflict” : Psychologist-pastor Tan Siang Yang

What is the secret to a strong marriage? Pastor Chris and Mona Chia share from their 38-year journey at D6 conference

The post Sex, intimacy and marriage: How can parents model healthy sexuality? appeared first on Salt&Light.