My Love Life Has Been Bad Since I Lost My First Love

I am a Christian woman. I don’t know when love became so difficult for me, but I can tell you when I first noticed the shift. It was after my first love and I ended things two years ago. We had dated for six years. Even though we were young, we thought we knew what love meant. Maybe we did. Maybe we didn’t. All I know is that ever since that breakup, nothing has been the same.

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I’ve had a few relationships after him, but none lasted more than three or four months. The reason is always the same: intimacy. He and I had our first sexual experience in the second year of our relationship, but it never sat right with me. Every time we met, he wanted it, and every time we did it, I felt something inside me shrink. I felt dirty. I told him, but he didn’t understand. He thought once you loved someone, your body automatically followed. Mine didn’t.

We were in a long-distance relationship, so we didn’t even see each other often. Sometimes once in three months, sometimes once in a month. But anytime we met, he wanted us to be intimate. I always felt bad afterwards but I never found the courage to say, “No more.”

My problem is that I don’t like being touched. The thought of sex frightens me. It makes me shiver in a way that has nothing to do with pleasure. Because of this, I don’t ask men I date for things. I don’t take things from them either. That way I wouldn’t be in a position where I feel indebted to them. I’ve lost several relationships because of it.

Last month, I entered a new relationship. I really like this man. He is calm, gentle, and intentional about me. But he has already begun talking about intimacy. I tried my best to open up to him about my struggles. I told him how sex makes me feel dirty afterward. How the thought alone can make me anxious for days. But he brushed it off and said, “Those are just single excuses. You will be fine when we do it.”

It hurt to hear that, because for once, I wanted someone to listen to me. I have always dreamed of a relationship full of life. I am talking about dates, long conversations, laughter, playfulness, and companionship. I’ve never imagined it as something fueled by sɛx. I want a partner who sees me, not just my body.

Is There A Perfect One Out There For Everyone?

Sometimes I sit alone and ask myself: when a woman says yes to a man, does it automatically mean she has said yes with her body too? I am yet to experience a fun relationship. Sometimes I wonder if I am the one men don’t think deserves to be wooed or courted. No dates. No companionship. They just want to eat me.

My heart wants love, but men don’t offer love without expecting a pound of flesh. And every time a man walks away from me, I wonder if I will ever find someone who understands that intimacy is not the same as love—at least not for me. Are there men out there who can love a woman who isn’t sexual?

—Nina

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