My Husband Went Through My Phone And Found My Chats With My Ex

My husband went through my phone and found what he had been looking for. It was a chat between me and my ex, the one I left to marry my husband. Before we go into what he saw in the chat, let me give a little background of our marriage.

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Our marriage hasn’t been a happy one. Everything he promised seven years ago, he has broken. We have two kids, six and four years old. Since these kids came into the family, my husband hasn’t lifted a finger to help raise them. I would be cooking and carrying them at my back while my husband watches TV. When they cry, he pushes them to come to me. When they are sick, it’s on me; even homework, he doesn’t help.

We’ve had several conversations about these things, but each one turned into a fight. I’ve been tired and broken, but he doesn’t care. He’s always having fun, creating the life he wants while I do everything around here.

That aside, he’s very stingy with money. He chooses what to pay and what not to pay. He could pay school fees today and tomorrow tell me, “I can’t give housekeeping money because I paid fees.” When the kids are sick or we have to buy drugs, he would tell me, “I didn’t plan for this, so take care of it. I will pay later.” He would never pay.

We’ve fought about these things too. He doesn’t understand what communication means. When you talk to him about issues, he takes offense and starts a fight, so every conversation we’ve had since we got married turns into a fight. I stopped talking.

I’m not the kind of woman who will go about talking to people about my marriage. I prefer we resolve things ourselves. If we are not able to, we just move on and hope for a better day.

When it comes to the bedroom, romance is dead. He could go for weeks without intimacy. When I want it and approach him, he would shove me off using all the excuses in the world. When he wants it, he jumps on me without any foreplay and starts taking it. I end up very sore, to a point I had to fight about this. After a fight one day, he told me, “If you don’t want it, fine. I won’t come to you again.”

I told him, “It’s not a matter of whether I want it or not. It’s the way you do it. How can you start digging when I’m asleep? Can’t you wake me up and prepare my mind for it?” He responded, “What were you expecting when you decided to get married?”

As I write this, it’s been over two months since he got close to me. Each time I’ve tried, he shoves me off, saying he’s not in the mood.

I don’t talk to my ex. I hadn’t spoken to him for over five years before he contacted me out of the blue. The conversation was casual, but it got to a point where I realized he was bringing up old memories. He asked me about marriage, and I told him the truth. “Marriage has not been good. I’m mostly unhappy, but what can I do?”

He asked me about the kids, and he said, “If you didn’t leave me, they would have been my kids, and we would’ve been in a happier place than you are.” I responded, “God knows best, so you can’t blame me for what happened.”

Honestly, when he brought up conversation about sex, I fell deeply into the discussion, telling him how we used to do it and what he did that made me happy. I hadn’t been intimate for so long that the conversation felt like a hole through the intimacy I craved. He also said what he missed about me and told me he wished we could go back to those times and begin again. I responded, “Wishes are not horses, so let’s keep things the way they are.”

After that long chat, he threw me into a state of confusion. Honestly, I thought of looking for him. I thought of having a night with him so I could remember how happiness feels. I slept very well that night because of that conversation. A day or two later, he said hello again. I didn’t respond. I realized if I didn’t take care, he could cause me to sin, so I blocked him that day.

After the block, I should have deleted the messages, but guess what? I loved what we talked about so much, I went back to read them at night so I could be in a calm mood and sleep well. I fantasized about it and dreamed about how we used to be when we were together. Those messages kept me company better than the man I called a husband. Maybe it was the reason I didn’t delete them until my husband picked up the phone and read the messages.

He was very angry when he asked me why I was talking to my ex about my marriage. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel anything. No anger, no remorse. Nothing at all. I was indifferent when he was fuming and calling me a slut. He screamed, “So you’ve started sleeping with him again, right? No wonder you’re not bothered whether we do it or not.”

I asked, “Where in the messages did you see what you’re talking about?” He answered, “How will I know what happened after you had this conversation?” I told him, “He has been blocked, and you saw it, right? You can unblock him and ask what happened. I told him about my marriage because he was ready to listen to me. Did I say anything you don’t already know?”

He screamed, “You missed doing it with him. It’s clear in the messages. He offered it, and I’m sure you took it and later got disappointed; that’s why you blocked him. I have to do a DNA test on my kids. You’re not a woman to be trusted.” I told him, “When do you want us to go and do the test? I know you won’t carry them, but I will, so we go together.”

Again, we had a long fight where he accused me of worse things and called me a whore. I understood his anger; I would have been angry too. I kept quiet along the line and watched him rant and rant until he kept quiet. I was expecting him to call my parents to tell them or call my elder brother, his favorite person to complain to, and tell him what had happened. For days now, he’s been quiet, going about his life as if nothing has happened.

We are back to who we used to be, unhappy and dry, but he’s still here. He eats what I cook, he sleeps next to me, he watches TV while I cook with the children in the kitchen. He still directs them to me when they cry or need something. He goes out and comes when he likes. He’s still that same husband who makes our marriage unhappy.

It makes me wonder if he’s secretly planning a divorce or planning to hurt me back in a way I can’t imagine. Or maybe he’s decided the marriage is already dead, so there’s no need to mourn again.

What Will Make You Leave Me After Forty Years Of Marriage?

I’m not scared of losing him. I don’t even have him to lose, but the fact that he’s not doing anything about what he saw makes me confused. Or has he accepted my explanation as the truth and let things go? I don’t know, but what I know is this: this marriage only exists on paper, and one day, even if he doesn’t leave, I have to leave before he causes me to sin.

—Cindy

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