my coworker insists on celebrating my birthday even though I’ve asked her not to

A reader writes:

I don’t like to do birthday stuff for my birthday. No, not even that. Or that. Or that. Or …

It’s got nothing to do with the dreaded Getting Older; in fact, I don’t really know why. I just don’t want to.

When my coworker went around collecting people’s birthdays, I gave mine to her, but specified that I didn’t want to have it celebrated. I was very clear about this. It wasn’t “Oh, you don’t need to make a fuss about me” or anything similarly wishy-washy. I said that I didn’t want anything to be done about it. For a couple of years this was fine, but then we got a new coworker, Pollyanna.

One of our other coworkers, Kelly, also didn’t want to do birthday things, and the first hint I had of a problem was when Pollyanna set up a group chat for everyone but Kelly in which she planned a surprise “group lunch” which totally wasn’t for Kelly’s birthday because Kelly’s birthday is in December and it’s May so it’s fine! I commented that I had thought Kelly didn’t want anything done for her birthday and was roundly ignored. The lunch happened, Kelly was clearly taken aback but responded gracefully, we went on with life, and Kelly ended up going on to a new job (with a pay bump, so good for her!) shortly thereafter.

Then it got to be my birthday, and wouldn’t you know, Pollyanna planned a lunch for me. I did my best to be as gracious about it as Kelly had been, but afterwards I went to Pollyanna and said that I knew she’d been trying to do something nice for me and she maybe didn’t know that I dislike birthday stuff — she did, it’s noted on the list that our manager keeps of people’s birthdays, but I figured it was an easy out — but I’d prefer not to. She laughed and said I shouldn’t worry about getting older, it happens to everyone, better than the alternative, etc, and besides I look so much younger than I am, no one would ever guess! I said it had nothing to do with that and I just didn’t want to; she said “okay” and I figured that was the end of it.

Then it got to be my birthday again, and Pollyanna made a production out of loudly proclaiming that she knew I didn’t want anything for my birthday but she had to at least get me a little cake and a coffee shop gift card and a greeting card that a bunch of people signed and so forth. I again tried to be gracious about it and accepted the gift card, which in hindsight was a mistake, but again reiterated that I didn’t want anything done, this time in public to everyone.

This year I figured I’d just short-circuit the whole thing and used a personal day for my birthday. And when I came in the day after, my cube had been inundated in Happy Birthday tat, including a wrapped present sitting on my chair.

A few minutes later, when someone asked me what I was doing, I said that I was a little annoyed someone had put all this junk in my cube that I had to clean out before I could start work — possibly not the most tactful phrasing, I admit. I tossed everything, including the unopened present.

And of course, Pollyanna is now incensed that I threw away her present and referred to all her thoughtful decor as “junk,” and how dare I be so unfriendly and mean, she spent money on that stuff you know! She was just trying to make me feel better about my anxiety about aging!

To her credit, she hasn’t been refusing to interact with me on work-related stuff, but even a few weeks later it’s very clear that I’m still in the doghouse with Pollyanna and a few of her work friends. I want to try to deal with this myself before I take it to our manager, but I’m not sure where to start. If directly telling her twice didn’t deliver the message, what am I supposed to do?

At least next year my birthday will be on Saturday…

Your birthday being on a Saturday won’t stop her. This is someone who celebrated another coworker’s birthday five months late, also against her will. (Or maybe she’ll still be smarting from your “junk” comment next year, but I wouldn’t count on it.)

And you already did try to deal with this directly! Several times. You told her twice, very clearly, that you didn’t want anything done for your birthday. She decided she knows better than you and ignored you.

If you really want to try one more time, you could go back to her and say, “I’m pretty frustrated that I’ve told you repeatedly I don’t want to celebrate my birthday at work, and three times now you’ve ignored that and done something anyway. I want to tell you one final time: I do not celebrate my birthday at work, and it’s getting really weird that you’re trying to overrule me. If you keep doing this, I’m going to talk to Manager, because this really isn’t okay — and for what it’s worth, there are people who don’t celebrate birthdays for religious reasons and if you ignore one of them, it’s going to turn into a legal problem for the company.” (This is true!)

If she tries to tell you that you shouldn’t worry about getting older, etc. etc., you should say, “That’s not the issue. People don’t want their birthdays celebrated for all sorts of reasons, and you need to respect that I’ve asked you to stop.”

At this point, though, you’d be more than justified to go to your manager without talking to Pollyanna again. It would be very reasonable to say to your manager, “Can I get your help in stopping Pollyanna from forcing birthday celebrations on people who have explicitly asked her not to? I’ve told her clearly for three years in a row that I don’t want anything done for my birthday, and every year she has overruled me with cakes, presents, and/or birthday decor in my cube. Since she’s ignored me, I’m hoping you can explain to her that if people don’t want their birthdays celebrated, she needs to respect that. Especially considering that some people don’t celebrate birthdays for religious reasons, her insistence on doing this seems really problematic to me.”

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