How to Turn Friends With Benefits Into a Relationship

It seemed like a good idea at the get-go: You and a longtime friend started hooking up, because why not get your sexual needs met by someone you trust — someone you’re comfortable with? But if you’ve ever seen any movies based on this premise, you know how this story ends: one of two people inevitably catches feelings. So, now what? You’ve realized you want something more, but how can you turn your friends-with-benefits situation into a relationship? First off, rest assured that this conundrum is super common. Research has shown that about 25% of people in a friends-with-benefits relationship secretly hope it will become something more serious. “Human emotions are complex and sometimes unpredictable,” explains Martha Tara Lee, a relationship counselor, certified sexuality educator, and clinical sexologist at Eros Coaching. “When you engage in physical intimacy, your body releases hormones like oxytocin and dopamine, which can enhance feelings of attachment, closeness, and bonding.” RELATED: Brain Chemicals That Fuel Your Sex Life The good news? According to Lee, a FWB scenario can evolve into a real relationship. “The key is mutual feelings and a shared desire to transition,” Lee tells AskMen. In fact, Michael Sartain, a dating and performance coach and founder of Men of Action, says a legitimate friendship with benefits can be one of the healthiest ways to start a relationship because you likely already have some things in common — not to mention you already genuinely care for each other. RELATED: Benefits of Being Friends With Someone Before Dating As for how to get there — here are some expert-approved tips for making a smooth transition from FWB into a serious relationship. 1. Start Hanging Out in Date-Like Settings Eventually, you’ll probably want to have a conversation with your friend about your desire for a serious relationship. But there’s no need to rush into this chat — instead, subtly lay the groundwork by spending quality time together. “Create opportunities to get to know each other outside of the bedroom,” says Sandra Myers, co-founder and president at Select Date Society. More specifically, Lee recommends making plans that are ambiguous enough to feel like a date — such as going on a sunset hike, enjoying a picnic lunch in the park, having dinner at a new restaurant, or seeing a local band play. This accomplishes two things: One, it gives you an opportunity to connect on an emotional level and find even more shared interests and values. Two, planning thoughtful activities for you to try together offers your date a glimpse into what it might be like to date you. That way, when the day comes to discuss the possibility, it’s not all that hard for them to imagine making it work. 2. Encourage Them to Lean on You The main difference between a hookup buddy and a romantic partner is emotional support. So, if you’re truly interested in transitioning into a serious relationship, one of the best ways to show that to your friend without telling them is simply to be there for them when they need you, says Sofie Roos, a relationship therapist and licensed sexologist at Passionerad. This might mean: Letting them vent to you after a tough work dayDoing them a small favor to make their life easier during a particularly busy weekHelping to distract them by planning a fun day when they’re going through a difficult timeChecking in with them to see how a job interview or exam wentOffering to go with them to a loved one’s memorial services or a family event they’re dreading 3. Get Physical in Non-Sexual Ways Another key differentiator between a FWB relationship and a serious romantic relationship is the type of intimacy you engage in. In a FWB situation, most of the physical contact is purely sexual. That’s why Roos suggests finding opportunities to engage in non-sexual physical contact. Start small — like quickly resting your hand on their knee or shoulder while laughing at something they’re saying. Then you can progress to other kinds of physical touch, like a lingering hug. “Try to reach for their hand while driving and notice their reaction,” says Roos. If they pull away or seem confused, this could mean one of two things. Either they were simply taken aback by the unexpectedly intimate display, or they just aren’t ready to receive that kind of affection from you. Either way, it could be useful information to have as you navigate forward. 4. Have “The Talk” At some point, it may be time to take a more direct approach with your FWB. RELATED: How to Define a Relationship Without Ruining It The more time you spend with them the more attached you’re likely to get and having an open and honest convo about those feelings can minimize hurt feelings while also preventing you both from wasting additional time if you aren’t looking for the same thing. Lee and Sartain advise saying something like, “I've been really enjoying our time together lately, and I'd love to explore the possibility of a more serious relationship if you’re open to it. How do you feel?” You could also simply ask a question to test the waters: “Have you ever wondered if we could be more than friends with benefits?” or “Sometimes I find myself picturing what it would be like to have a serious relationship with you. I feel like we’re pretty compatible. Do you ever think about that?” 5. Be Patient “Understand that transitioning from FWB to a serious relationship takes time,” says Lee. “Allow your friend to process their feelings and give the relationship space to grow naturally.” Let your hookup friend know that there’s no rush in making a decision about how to proceed. Giving them space and taking the pressure off will only further demonstrate what a patient and caring partner you can be — thereby increasing the odds that they’re open to pursuing a romantic relationship. “And continue to show up as the best version of you,” adds Myers. “Be confident and positive! When you show up as someone who is fun to be around, your FWB partner will naturally want to spend more time with you.” 6. Respect Their Feelings (or Lack Thereof) In an ideal world, your friend will share the same burning desire to transition to a meaningful long-term relationship. But it’s important to be prepared for the possibility that they don’t. Lee suggests responding with grace and empathy — for example, by saying, “I understand and appreciate your honesty. While I have developed deeper feelings, I respect your perspective.” “Maintaining self-respect and ensuring that your needs are acknowledged and valued should always be a priority,” adds Lee. With that in mind, you’ll need to get honest with yourself about whether you’re emotionally capable of maintaining the friendship — or whether you need to take a step back to protect your feelings. Myers recommends asking yourself if your needs are being met, or if you’re still merely holding out hope for something more — in which case you’re only prolonging the torture. “Establishing and respecting boundaries is crucial here,” says Lee. “This includes setting limits on how often you see each other and the types of activities you engage in.” As Roos points out, telling your FWB that you want more is always a risk. But that doesn’t mean it’s a risk that isn’t worth taking — quite to the contrary. Sure, it might get a bit awkward or uncomfortable if they aren’t on the same page. But on the off chance that your friend does feel the same way, why would you miss out on that incredible opportunity to pursue a more serious relationship? Life is too short to try and bury your feelings in the interest of avoiding pain — and in the end, experts agree there’s nothing more painful than wondering what could have been. 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