Asking for Consent Examples — How to Talk About It With a Partner

One of the biggest shifts around how we see sex in the past decade has been the increased focus on the importance of consent. Laws have been passed, hashtags have gone viral, and it has become increasingly hard to make tasteless jokes without encountering pushback. But while these have all been necessary changes, that doesn’t mean that the average guy has a much clearer understanding of sexual consent than he used to. It’s not something that’s typically covered in school sex ed curriculums, it’s not portrayed in any realistic way in porn, if at all, and when people do talk about the process of ‘asking for consent’ they often make it sound terribly unsexy. Simply put, if you want to come off as suave, cool and confident, walking the line between being consent-aware and projecting your sexiest self can be a confusing path to navigate. RELATED: The Meaning of Consent and The Different Types That Exist But consent is too important of a subject to let people muddle through, because even when not done purposefully, non-consensual moves in a sex context can leave people with lasting trauma and can lead to serious legal consequences. In order to help you understand how to ask for consent in a way that feels natural and, yes, sexy, AskMen spoke to five sex and dating experts. Here’s what they had to say: The Importance of Consent “When you are consent-minded,” says Sarah Pierson founder of The Uncomfortable Conversation, “it means that you consistently take the time to engage in conversations about people's preferences and listen for enthusiasm, i.e. the presence of a ‘hell yes!’ instead of the absence of ‘no.’” It’s also partly about creating instances where a person knows they have the option of saying either yes or no, rather than trying to coerce them into an outcome or hoping they’ll just go along with something you want. “When asking for consent during a date, it’s all about clarity,” explains Connell Barrett, podcast host and dating coach for the Hily app. “You want to let the person know what you want, which gives them the gift of being able to say either yes or no.” “What word is sexier than ‘yes’ when said by your crush?” Barrett says. “At the same time, when you get a ‘no,’ sure, it may sting. But you can feel good about being a man who shows empathy and respect for his dates, and who doesn’t pressure them to do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable.” Yes, one of the most important aspects of being consent-aware is knowing how to handle rejection. “Obviously hearing a no in a sexual situation is an ego-blow — it doesn't feel amazing, but it's also just a part of sex (and life), and we need to have reasonable expectations around it,” says Gigi Engle, a certified sex educator and sex expert for SKYN. “You should go into all sexual experiences knowing that there is a chance of someone saying no and being prepared for that. It isn't a personal attack, it's simply someone asserting their boundaries.” “Consent isn’t just a matter of yes or no,” says sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast, “because there are circumstances where people are pressured into saying yes.” “It’s not just about asking permission. It’s about creating connections that facilitate real conversations — whether it’s a one-night stand or a long-term relationship,” O’Reilly adds. RELATED: Video Series Teaches Guys How To Talk About Consent After #MeToo So what do those conversations look like? Let’s check out some examples: Asking for Consent Conversation Examples At a Bar Contrary to the way it’s sometimes portrayed, consent isn’t something that starts when both parties are alone together in a bedroom. As Pierson mentioned, this is a consistent practice, and you can start putting it into practice long before you’re about to hook up. For instance, it can play out when approaching someone at a bar, for instance. O’Reilly suggests asking the other person how they’d feel about you joining them like this: “You in the mood for company?” If they say yes, your job is easy — sit down next to them and start chatting. If they say no, however, it’s a little bit less pleasant, but it doesn’t need to be complicated. O’Reilly suggests simply going with: “Alright. Have a great night.” First Kiss  Suppose the person did say yes and you did sit down next to them for a chat, and the night progressed and morphed into a date. After leaving the bar, maybe you’re thinking about a first kiss. “Consent conversations don't have to be awkward,” says Pierson. “If you can say, ‘How would you feel about a glass of wine? Red or white?"’ you can also say “How would you feel about a kiss?" O’Reilly suggests a simple: “Can I kiss you?” Barrett notes that you can also frame it in terms of your desire: “I want to kiss you.” He says that you might get a few different responses — things like “‘Well, what are you waiting for?,’ ‘Go right ahead,’ or they move in and kiss you first” if they are interested. If not, he notes they might shake their head or verbally express a no, but it saves everyone the awkwardness of you moving in for a kiss and them having to duck or lunge away. Asking Someone Over Suppose you do kiss, and the kiss goes well, and you start to wonder about the night turning into something more. You might want to invite the person back to your place to see if you can continue getting intimate together. RELATED: How to Prepare Your House for a Date “Only ask someone to come over for sex if you already feel strong sexual chemistry, with lots of touching and making out,” Barrett cautions. “Avoid the clichéd phrase ‘Let’s go to my place,’ which sounds sleazy,” he adds. “Many people say, ‘Wanna get out of here?’, which does imply going back to your place, but it lacks specificity. Be vulnerable, direct, and make the invitation sound fun: “I’m having a great time with you. Here’s an idea: You should come over so we can have a naked after-party. Up for it?” “I would love to take you home and continue our date in my bedroom. How does that sound?” From there, the person might be excited to make it happen with you, or you might get some pushback, Barrett notes, whether it’s an excuse (“Umm, I don’t know, I have to be up early tomorrow”), a partial yes (“I’ll come over, but I don’t think we should rush sex”), or a no that clarifies the person’s still interested in keeping the date going (“That’s a little fast for me. Can’t we just hang out here?”). Regardless of the response, if they’re not 100% on board, it’s important not to be pushy or rude about it. “Handling a no is part of being consent-minded too,” says Pierson. “If someone says, ‘I'd rather not make out or have sex,’ or simply a more ambiguous, ‘I'd like to call it a night,’ a consent-minded person might say, 'Thank you for sharing that with me. Let's get you a safe way home.'" Oral Sex When it comes to oral, says Barrett, “The best time to ask is when you’re both hot and heavy, and the clothes have already come off.” He suggests something like, “I want to taste you. Can I go down on you?” People are often receptive to the idea of being pleasured orally, but not everyone is. Barrett notes that you might hear things like, “That’s not really my thing,” “I’m not prepared down there, if you know what I mean,” “Not yet, but maybe the next time. I’m not ready yet.” RELATED: Oral Sex Guide for Men to Make You Better at Just About Everything Penetrative Sex Shifting a makeout session or oral sex towards penetrative sex is another instance where you’ll want to get the other person’s consent. One way you can signal it, O’Reilly notes, is by bringing up using protection: “Should I get a condom?” You could also say something like “God, I’m so horny, I just want to have sex with you right now.” or “Are you ready to go all the way?” If the person says yes, then congrats! However, if they express doubt, hesitation, or don’t answer with a clear sign of their interest, it’s important to recognize that and not push them. If they’re not super excited by the concept but also don’t seem completely against the idea, O’Reilly notes that you can try to navigate their disinterest by asking if they’d be OK with you trying to convince them — while also giving them other options if they really aren’t interested, like so: “Can I try to get you in the mood, or do you want to rest/sleep/snuggle/binge a show instead tonight?” It’s important to remember that just because someone agreed to have penetrative sex with you doesn’t mean their consent applies the whole time. It’s possible and not uncommon for someone to change their mind about wanting sex during the sex act itself, and if you’re the partner being penetrated, it’s often harder to end things. For that reason, if you’re the penetrating partner, it’s good to check in with the person you’re hooking up with, especially if you don’t know each other very well. O’Reilly suggests a simple, “Does this feel good for you?” RELATED: Clever Dirty Talk Phrases That Are Also Sexual Consent Questions Having a Threesome For threesomes, much of the same rules apply, but asking each person in turn could start to feel tiresome. Instead, Angie Rowntree, founder and director of Sssh.com, suggests leaning into the question-asking and making it sexy rather than bureaucratic. It goes like this, she says, “One person asks their partner if they can do certain things in the “Mother, May I?” game fashion.” RELATED: Pro Tips for Having an Actually Good (and Sexy) Threesome “For those who never played, the naughty version isn’t far off from the original version, so use your imagination!,” Rowntree explains. “This can be played with 2 or more people and is great for a threesome game. One person starts and asks permission and receives approval to act on these actions.” She shares the following as an example: “Brian: May I lick your clit one time? Jane: No, but you may lick my nipple three times. Brian: May I suck your big toe? Jane: Yes, you may suck my toes for eight seconds.” “With this particular game, you not only receive consent for sexual acts, but for every single individual action, as you build anticipation and excitement towards climax,” Rowntree notes. Anal Whether you’re exploring anal with someone who has a vagina or someone who doesn’t, anal is always something you need to get consent for. O’Reilly suggests: “Do you want it in your ass?” But you can also talk about why, exactly, you’re proposing anal: “God, your asshole looks so good — I just want to fuck it. How would you feel about that?” RELATED: Prepare to Have the Best Anal Sex of Your Life If the person says no, O’Reilly notes that you can ask if the person would be down to explore dirty talking about the concept of anal without actually engaging in it, like so: “Can we just talk about what it would feel like? As a fantasy — not reality.” Ejaculation Ejaculating is a big deal — it usually connotes a lot of pleasure for the person doing it. For someone on the receiving end of an ejaculation, it can be very exciting, too, but it might also carry negative connotations — around taste, smell and feel, as well as the possibility of STI transmission or pregnancy. As a result, it’s important not to ejaculate carelessly. If the other person tells you they don’t want you to cum in a specific place, O’Reilly says you can suggest an alternate location: “Do you want it on your stomach?” Or, she says, you can simply ask what the other person wants you to do with your cum: “Tell me where you want it.” First Exploring or Trying a Fetish Together If you’re someone with some less-vanilla sexual tastes, it can be tricky to know how to bring those up to a new partner. “A fetish is a bit more complicated, in that for a person to give consent to be involved in a fetish, they need to have a full understanding of what they are consenting to,” says Engle. “So, you'd say, for example: "I really have a sexual interest in feet. This means I [insert why you like them]. Would you be open to letting me do [insert thing] to your feet?" If the other person isn’t feeling what you’re into, that can feel pretty bad — you might feel ashamed, or frustrated, or judged. But it’s important not to be rude about it, she notes. “Getting defensive will not serve you. Simply take the no and move on with your life. Treat others the way that you want to be treated.” She notes that you can reply with something like "OK! No worries. Want to do X thing instead?" or "Sure, no problem. What would you feel comfortable doing?" RELATED: How to Explain Your Fetish to Your Partner When You’re Having Rough or Kinky Sex “In kink, consent has to be freely given before and during your kinky moment,” says Kayla Lords, co-host of the Loving BDSM podcast. “The before is usually simple. The conversation looks like this:” You: “Hey, I’m into [insert kink] and would love to try it with you.” Them: “Oh yeah, can we talk about it a little?” “Then the conversation can progress from there,” says Lords. “Questions asked and answered. Looking stuff up online to see how it’s done.” “But my favorite conversation in kink is how you make sure you still have consent in the middle of the action,” she explains. “My partner (who is also my dominant) always wants to make sure I’m having a good time, that he hasn’t gone too far, or that I’m not so far down in subspace that I can no longer advocate for myself in a scene (whether by using a safe word or indicating a problem).” “So he’ll check in with me,” Lords explains. “A lot of people think checking in mid-scene (or mid-sex) will take you out of the moment and feel unsexy, and that’s just not true.” She notes that she and her partner use the “traffic light system” — “green means keep going, yellow means slow down, red means stop. So Lords says if her partner notices she’s being quieter than usual, he’ll check in with her like so:  “Give me a color, girl.” She’ll then respond with the color that fits how she feels, letting him know how to respond. “If I don’t give any response at all,” Lords says, “he’ll ask once or twice more. If I still don’t respond, all play stops. Why? Because if I can no longer speak to him, I can no longer maintain or withdraw consent, so we stop. He knows it's safer this way, even if he’s disappointed that the scene ended early.” Ultimately, she notes, “The questions asked in this moment matter less than the way they’re asked. Stalling the situation but keeping sensual touch going, leaning close, whispering (as long as the other person can hear those whispers), and then using the information from the answer — or non-answer — to decide what to do next… all of this keeps the moment super sexy and erotic while also keeping everyone safe and making sure both partners fully consent.” “If consent is withdrawn or not clearly given, my partner shrugs it off, and stops what he’s doing,” Lords concludes. “He knows that by maintaining consent between us and stopping now, he makes it easier for us to get kinky at another time.” You Might Also Dig:  What to Do When Your Friend Gets Called Out Male Sexual Consent: How to Know If Yours Has Been Violated How We Teach Consent to Young Boys