How to Talk Dirty

Trying to think up something that's going to sound hot in the heat of the moment can be tough -- not to mention, things can turn awkward pretty quickly if it doesn't end up coming off as sexy as it did in your head.

Plus, if you and your partner haven't talked dirty to each other before, is it fine to just throw something out there? How can you ask her if it's something that she's into? Are there any phrases that are always off limits?

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Before you start dropping lines from Fifty Shades Of Grey and hoping for the best, there are some steps you should take that will help things go smoothly and make dirty talk hotter for both of you.

We asked a few experts to share their best advice for how to talk dirty -- and had some real women give us the dirty details of the hottest thing a guy has ever said to them in the heat of the moment. Here's everything you need to know to master the art of talking dirty. 

Why Dirty Talk Can Make Sex Better

If you've had a woman say something filthy during sex, you've probably noticed that it made whatever it was that you were doing feel even better. But why is that? According to Dr. John Mayer, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist at Doctor On Demand, there's science behind why talking dirty feels good. "It taps into one of my favorite parts of the brain and psychology, our perceptual system," he explains.

"Here’s what happens: Dirty talk stimulates and engages senses that may be overlooked or under used when in a sexual situation -- our imagination, thought and hearing. We are engaged with touch and smell by definition, but dirty talk engages the senses that are not as commonly used or thought to be used when having sex. These are powerful senses and thus make the sexual experience that much more exciting and fulfilling. The areas of the brain engaged are the frontal cortex where the pleasure, judgement and imagination areas of the brain are."

As Bethany Riccardi, sex expert at Too Timid explains, we're also turned on by hearing that our partner has these steamy thoughts about us. "When we verbalize our thoughts and desires about sex with our partner it alerts them to the fact that we are thinking about sex," she says.

"Specifically, that we are thinking about having sex with them. This can mentally begin the act of foreplay hours or even days before the actual act may occur. Flirty or dirty talk will heighten our arousal and keep us thinking along a sexual vein. For couples who do not see each other on a regular basis, this can so enhance the desire to have sex with our partner that adds a definite intensity to it."

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There has even been research to suggest that dirty talk can increase a woman's chances of having an orgasm. "Very recent clinical research in the last five to ten years has shown that there are up to eleven female orgasm triggers and that the brain is one of them," says healthcare practitioner Dr. David Love.

"There are at least four major nerve complexes and six or more physiological pathways to drive her to orgasm. Most of these brain pathways can trigger a 'mindgasm' completely on their own. When you stimulate more than one orgasm trigger area at the same time (within the mind and the body), they magnify each other's’ effect and the threshold for orgasm is lowered. When enough of this input reaches the brain, the orgasm reflex is triggered. A good lover will provide several different types of orgasmic stimulation at the same time."

Not only can talking dirty benefit your experience in the bedroom, but Caleb Backe, health and wellness expert at Maple Holistics says that it can actually help improve your relationship with your partner. "Trust is one of the most important elements to any successful relationship, and believe it or not dirty talk can foster better trust," he says.

"Through dirty talking, individuals are capable of giving voice to secret and potentially shameful desires. Sharing those desires with a partner indicates a deep level of trust and intimacy which can only help to foster strong feelings and further trust. By opening up to someone about our deepest thoughts, through dirty talk, we can achieve a deeper connection."

What Real Women Say: "My husband uses dirty talk to give me a preview of what he's going to do to me next," says Isabel, 29. "He'll be fingering me and tell me, as he's doing so, that he can't wait to be inside me like this, or he'll run his tongue along my ear and say that he's going to do that while going down on me. Then he'll take his time getting there – but my mind is already on him following through with those promises, which makes even the smallest thing he's doing to me feel more intense."

The Right Time to Start Talking Dirty

If you're in a fresh relationship or with a new partner and haven't talked dirty to one another before, one key aspect of making dirty talk feel good is timing it right. "There are a few variables that you should consider before trying anything new out in the bedroom," says Backe.

"The first thing to take into account is the length of the relationship. If you’ve only been dating for a short period of time, it may be better for you to keep the more exotic things to yourself until you really feel comfortable with each other and can suggest things of this nature without disgust or conflict."

Getting in sync with what your partner likes and dislikes is important for any intimate act, dirty talk included. "The key to successful dirty talk is making sure everyone is on the same page," Backe says. "In theory, if someone says something extreme to their partner that the partner is not prepared for or doesn't expect, it could make for an uncomfortable situation."

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"The right time to start talking dirty is after you've actually had a conversation about it," says sexuality educator Ashley Manta.

"I know, it sounds scary and awkward and not at all sexy, but trust me, if you can't talk about talking dirty, then actually talking dirty will be impossibly challenging. The last thing you want to do is to be going along doing your typical sexual interaction and then suddenly throw in 'Spank me, Mommy!' unexpectedly. There's nothing wrong with wanting to say that, but it's nice to give your partner a heads up as to what you're interested in and what turns you on. Make sure they're on board too! Dirty talk is a team sport."

Asking your partner's consent for dirty talk in the heat of the moment is probably not the best game plan – but Backe points out that doing so while things are still semi hot can help make the conversation run more smoothly. "Men should bring up dirty talk before or after a sexual encounter so that a sense of arousal is still felt by their partner," he explains.

"The reality of the situation is that dirty talk never seems as hot to us as it does in the heat of the moment. In order to capitalize on those feelings, men should speak their mind about dirty talk with their partner while the juices are flowing. It will allow the partner to see where the man is coming from in a sexual and safe way. By introducing dirty talk during a mundane exchange, men risk coming off as weird or too strong."

What Real Women Say: "I was seeing my now boyfriend for a few months, and we already had sex a decent amount of times," says Lisa, 25. "One night when we were starting to fool around he stopped in the middle of it and whispered, 'What's off limits?' It was really intimate and made me feel comfortable being open with him about what I liked and what I didn't. As far as dirty talk specifically, I don't like the name calling that goes on in porn so I told him that, so he's stayed away from that which I think helped me be more open to it."

How to Ask Your Partner About Dirty Talk

As Dr. Jess O'Reilly, Astroglide's resident sexologist points out, there are a few reasons your partner may have hesitations or a negative view of talking dirty. "Many people find dirty talk off-putting or embarrassing because they derive their definitions and expectations from porn," she explains.

"This leaves them with a terribly limited repertoire that often excludes the highly personal element of individual fantasy. The content of mainstream porn also suggests that all dirty talk must be raunchy, hard core, and deeply rooted in gendered stereotypes of sexual experience. In reality, nothing could be further from the truth. Dirty talk does not need to be rough, naughty, or even sexual to be erotic. The most enticing chatter can be romantic, teasing, alluring, and flirtatious according to your personal preferences."

As for how to bring it up, Manta says leveraging this article as a springboard for conversation is a good move (you're welcome).

"Say something like, 'Hey, I read this article on AskMen.com about dirty talk and I was thinking it might be fun to try it. Does that sound appealing to you?' If they say yes, then have a conversation about it. If they say no, ask for more information – is it feeling embarrassed to say things out loud? Is it having no idea what to say or where to start? If it's 'I'm just not into that' then drop it. If it's only a 'no' because they have shame or anxiety around 'doing it right' then that can be an opportunity for dialogue and negotiation."

Having this talk can also help you both come up with a game plan. "List some words and phrases or even scenarios that turn you on, then ask, 'Do you know what turns you on?'" Manta suggests. Also cover who wants to start, how to signal when you're ready to be done, and any words or phrases that are off limits.

Talking Dirty Outside the Bedroom

Dirty talk doesn't need to be restricted to just the bedroom. In fact, Manta says leveraging virtual opportunities to practice your dirty talk can help you get more comfortable with doing so in real life. "Phone sex and sexting are often the best ways to practice for in-person dirty talk, because you don't have to worry about saying the things out loud in front of your partner," she explains.

"Next time your sweetie is away, send them a message saying that you miss them and what things you'd like to do with them when you're together again. If you have permission, send them a tasteful nude. Compose the shot based on what your partner finds attractive, don't just stick your phone down your pants."

"For some people it is easier to speak dirty in a more abstract setting, meaning via text or when you are out and about," says Ricciardi.

"For example, leaning down to whisper, ‘I am so wet right now I wish we could fuck,’ in your partner’s ear at a public event. Practice makes perfect in all things, and this does include dirty talk. If a man wants to experiment with what he is comfortable saying aloud to his partner, or wants to gauge his partner’s interest in dirty talk, he can and should do so outside of the bedroom first. Each opportunity offers a different degree of intimacy."

What Real Women Say: "There's nothing that gets me more juiced up to see my fiancé than when he texts me about how horny he is for me right before we're about to be together," says Joanna, 28. "I can't concentrate on anything other than what I want to do to him – it's like the foreplay before the foreplay."

How to Talk Dirty

To dip your toe into dirty talk waters, Dr. O'Reilly suggests starting out with what feels normal for you and your partner. "If you’re new to talking dirty, begin with some generous but honest verbal feedback that includes moans, groans, deep exhales, or other sounds to let your lover know that you’re enjoying yourself," she says.

"Don’t feel the need to exaggerate – sexy talk is even hotter when you let the tension mount gradually. When you’re ready, toss in a few words and short phrases ranging from 'Yes!' 'More!,' and 'Ahhh' to 'Whoa!,' 'Wow,' and 'F*ck yeah!'"

Also, now is not the time to channel your inner porn star. "Use language that comes naturally to you, as opposed to repeating what you have seen in films or read online," Dr. O'Reilly says. "And since dirty talk goes both ways, use a few simple lines to develop greater comfort as you explore your lover’s body:

• 'Do you like that?'
• 'Where do you want it?'
• 'What can I do for you?'
• 'Tell me how you like it.'
• 'Lie back and let me give it to you.'"

Laughter is obviously not the reaction you're going for when you're talking dirty. But Dr. O'Reilly says that indulging your sense of humor can help both you and your partner ease into things.

"As you integrate dirty talk into your sexual repertoire, remember that it is okay to giggle
a little," she says. "You don’t want to laugh at your lover, but having a healthy sense of humor will help to ease the tension when you are experimenting with new language, tone and subject matter. In fact, using a bit of humor and playfulness may be the ideal approach if talking dirty makes you blush or if you’re worried about how your lover will respond."

Once you've mastered a few dirty lines, don't be shy about experimenting with new words and phrases. "Dirty talk comes in many forms, so experiment with a variety of styles to find the ones that suit you both best," says Dr. O'Reilly. "Whether you prefer to be romantic, alluring, teasing, aggressive, demanding, responsive, descriptive, naughty, instructive, ego-stroking, or fantastical is entirely up to you!"

If you're still stumped for how to start, Manta suggests using a game of ad libs to help get your creative juices flowing. "A few suggestions to try:

• 'I want you to _____ my _______ until ________.'
• 'I love the way you ____ my ____.'
• 'I can't wait to feel your _______ touching/inside/around/licking my ______.'"

Another form of dirty talk that you and your partner might want to try is role-playing, where you and your partner take on alternate identities during the act. "You can progress to role-playing in stages that march in key with your comfort and familiarity with your partner and the progressive level of each partner's arousal," says Dr. Love. Ask your partner what she's always fantasized about, and then pick a time to bring it to life. This can even be done before you hit the sheets, where the two of you meet out at a bar and pretend not to know each other.

What Real Women Say: Humor can be sexy during dirty talk. "My now boyfriend once said 'some people would pay extra for that' while I was giving him a blow job and thought I was going to throw up," says Danielle, 29. "Whatever you think is gross there is someone in the world that would pay extra for it!"

Signs It Might Not Be Working (And What to Do)

At the end of the day, we want to please our partners in any way that we can. Even if your partner has agreed to dirty talk, there are a few signs to look out for that might indicate that the language you're using isn't working for her -- even if she’s not speaking up about it.

"Although dirty talk is just language, it can trigger traumatic moments (not all sexual partners are kind), it can come off as a demand and on occasion can shut down your partner's sexual development," explains communication expert Lisa MacQueen.

"Signs that indicate that your dirty talk isn't working will likely include the parrot effect. They will repeat what you've told them to say. For instance you might say, 'Baby does that feel good?' and they reply with 'Yeah baby it's good.' If your partner routinely repeats what they think you want to hear, chances are the language or the sex isn't working for them.”

According to MacQueen, ‘parroting,’ freezing and repetition are all signs to look out for. “When your partner doesn't feel comfortable asking for what they prefer or want they may just freeze while in a position,” she says.

“Listen for repetition. If your partner only repeats what you say or sticks to the same line repeatedly, I'd suggest stopping what you're doing, hold them close and just asking what would make them feel good right now. If your partner disengages from eye contact there is a good chance that they have disconnected. A great encourager would be to say 'Put me where you want me,' or 'I'll do anything that makes you happy (or makes you feel good).'

If you sense discomfort, definitely stop what you are doing and say, 'I only want you to be comfortable. Is this what you want?' Be patient and let your partner answer."

Also, pay attention to the way your partner reacts physically as well. "A cardinal rule for building a great intimate relationship is to learn your partner's body language," says MacQueen.

"Gauge your partner's language and match it to their body language, congruence is key. What they say and what they do should relay the same message. If what they say versus what they are doing is different; chances are they aren't comfortable."

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