How to Go Down on a Woman

Depending on your familiarity with the term and the sex act it describes, “cunnilingus” might sound incredibly daunting, or just plain hot.

Cunnilingus is a latin term for oral sex performed on a vagina. Typically, that means on a woman, but it can also be on a non-binary person who was assigned female at birth, or a transgender person with a vagina.

For people with vaginas, multiple studies suggest that clitoral stimulation of some kind — and in some cases, cunnilingus specifically — is one of the most effective means that a partner has to make them orgasm.

And besides the focus on orgasms, it’s just a great way to pleasure your partner.

In a world where a lot of guys (and a lot of people generally) sometimes think sex is all about penile penetration, remembering to spend some time focusing on stimulating the clit via cunnilingus can seriously increase how much your partner enjoys sex.

And, spoiler alert, if your partner enjoys sex more, there’s a good chance that will make it more fun (and possibly a more frequent occurrence) for you, too.

In short, cunnilingus is sort of a win-win scenario. In order to help you get comfortable with it, AskMen spoke to a bunch of experts. Here’s what they had to say:

Table of Contents:

• What Is Cunnilingus?

• Why Is Cunnilingus Important?

• Basic Cunnilingus Tips Every Guy Should Know

• Cunnilingus Myths You Need to Unlearn

• Cunnilingus Pro Tips to Take Things to the Next Level

• Products to Add a Little Fun

What Is Cunnilingus?

So what does that entail, exactly? Well, like any sex act, it sort of depends on the two people involved.

There are certain actions and moves that are more common, but the important thing is that you and the person you’re going down on are on the same page in terms of what feels good. Things that feel incredible to one person might feel uninteresting — or even painful — to another partner. The only way to know for sure is to talk to each other and try things out.

RELATED: Unique Ways to Go Down on Her

But in short, cunnilingus is typically focused on one partner licking the other person’s clitoris — or rather, the clitoral head, which is located directly above the vagina. Just in terms of what you can do with your mouth, it can also involve sucking on the clitoris, sucking on or licking the labia minora, or inserting your tongue into your partner’s vaginal opening.

Why Is Cunnilingus Important?

Thought experiment: Imagine a woman rubbing your testicles against her clitoris until she climaxes. Then she turns to you in a post-coital fog of pleasure and says, “Was that good for you, too?”

There’s a pretty good chance that’s never happened to you, but it’s not a completely alien concept to women, many of whom are used to sex being about a guy’s pleasure first and foremost — or in some unfortunate cases, exclusively about the guy’s pleasure. The upshot of that is that the central pleasure location on a woman’s body — the clitoris — still gets ignored by many guys.

To put that in perspective, it would be like if during sex, the glans of your penis never touched any part of your partner’s body. In the testicle-rubbing-clitoris scenario above, you might feel some pleasure; after all, the testicles do have nerve endings and it can be deeply arousing when they’re touched.

Also, you might be turned on just to be naked with another person, and it might be exciting to know that she’s aroused in your presence. But without any stimulation of your penis, you’re almost certainly not going to orgasm, and you’re probably going to be at least a little bit disappointed.

RELATED: Why Every Guy Should Master Non-Penetrative Sex

The good news is, making sure your partner doesn’t experience the female version of that scenario isn’t particularly complicated — you just need to start incorporating clitoral stimulation into sex with the same regularity as penetration. And the best way to do that is through oral sex — aka cunnilingus.

Basic Cunnilingus Tips

It’s all well and good to decide to start engaging in cunnilingus, but without knowing what you’re doing, it can be daunting or, worse, wildly unsuccessful if and when you do start.

To help prevent you from ending up with your head between your partner’s legs, gripped by a deep feeling of panic or confusion, we spoke to some sex experts about the basic tips you should know before you start eating someone out.

Locate the Clitoris

As mentioned above, for many people, the main thrust of cunnilingus is licking the clitoral head, which pokes out from under the clitoral hood, just above the vaginal opening. Whether you’re looking for it or feeling for it by touch, finding it is an important first step in performing cunnilingus.

For some people, it’ll be a little bit harder to find, depending on their body type, pubic hair, and the size of their clitoris and hood, but the hunt will be worth it.

Get Licking

Once you’ve located your partner’s clitoris, well, start licking it! There are lots of different ways to lick your partner’s clit — quickly or slowly, using the whole length or your tongue or just the tip; softly or more powerfully.

Here, you should be trying to figure out what your partner likes, so in the early going, it’s worth testing out different licking styles. Often, different techniques will feel good at different times; sometimes a method of licking that feels very good at one moment can be too intense the next, and so forth.

The important thing is to be sensitive to anything your partner says (“Go faster!” or “Ooh! Too hard!”, etc.) and to pay attention to their breathing patterns or moaning.

Often, when you hit a certain rhythm, it’ll be obvious that it’s working even if your partner doesn’t say a word, since sexual arousal is often translated unconsciously into physical responses, like heavier breathing, muscles tensing and back arching, among others.

Fall in Love With the Vulva

Would you enjoy oral if you sensed your partner was struggling with the concept of putting your penis anywhere near their mouth? Probably not. Sex is more fun when everyone’s enjoying it — so try to bring that same energy to cunnilingus.

“The more you enjoy yourself, the more your partner will enjoy the experience,” says Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the Drive Her Wild video course. “Your partner may have received negative messages about their genitals growing up (and into adulthood) and while it’s not your job to undo all of the damaging effects, if you show appreciation and admiration for their vulva, it may help them to relax and be more present.”

Play With the Lips

One part of cunnilingus that sometimes gets overlooked is playing with your partner’s labia minora, colloquially known as “pussy lips.”

“Remember that you can stimulate the internal erectile tissue of the clitoris via the lips,” O’Reilly notes. “Rub, grind and press against the lips on the outside and you’ll likely stimulate the internal clitoral complex.”

This might not be as pleasurable as licking or sucking on the clitoris, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a fun part of the equation, and it’s a good option if you want to throw in some variation here and there.

Don’t Make Assumptions

“Every vulva is different,” says O’Reilly. “What worked for a previous partner may not work for your current partner(s), so don’t make assumptions.”

Kayla Lords, sexpert for JackAndJillAdult.com, agrees. “Not every partner wants oral sex in the same way,” she says. “Even if your previous partner loved that thing you did with your tongue, your next partner could hate it.”

Ask About What Feels Good

So if assumptions are off the table, how do you know what to do? Simple. You ask. “Ask for feedback and follow their lead and guidance,” says O’Reilly.”

“Always ask what your partner likes. Always,” Lords adds. “Don’t guess or assume. Ask.”

RELATED: Sexual Consent Questions That Also Double as Dirty Talk

Asking about what your partner likes or wants can seem daunting if you’re not used to it — but it’s a good habit to get into. For starters, caring about your partner’s experience is one of the cornerstones of sexual consent; second, being able to navigate those conversations, both during sex and outside of the bedroom, will make for better sex for both of you.

Make Some Noise

You might be focused on what you’re doing — and your partner might be the one making the majority of the noise — but being too quiet can actually be a little bit disconcerting.

“Your lover wants to know that you’re enjoying yourself, so let your sounds emanate without inhibition,” O’Reilly suggests. “Breathe deeply, moan if you like it and allow your sounds of enthusiasm and pleasure to vibrate throughout their body.”

You can also take a moment here and there to talk to your partner — telling them how much you’re enjoying yourself, or how much you like how they taste, or even talking dirty.

Switch Up the Positions

You might have pictured all of this occurring in a missionary-style position, with your partner on their back, legs spread, and you lying or kneeling in front of them. But while that is a common and simple way to approach cunnilingus, it’s far from the only way to make it work.

RELATED: The Best Oral Sex Positions, Revealed (With Illustrations!)

“Cunnilingus can be done in many positions — from the typical missionary style to face-sitting to licking her from the back,” Lords notes. “Feel free to change things up.”

It’s also something that can be done in standing or sitting positions — meaning you can still go down on your partner even if you don’t have a flat surface like a bed or couch to work with.

Cunnilingus Myths You Need to Unlearn

Unfortunately, sexual education can be pretty spotty — and one area that it’s often significantly lacking is in terms of pleasure.

A lot of the time, the information that you get growing up is more about basic bodily functions, avoiding getting sexually transmitted infections or causing a pregnancy. All of which are important, but none of which will help you understand how to give or receive pleasure.

As a result, lots of the information guys get about cunnilingus is from pop culture or simply word of mouth, and that information is often inaccurate. So let’s debunk some cunnilingus myths real quick:

Myth: Engaging in Cunnilingus Makes You Less of a Man

This one seems to be waning in popularity in recent years — perhaps in part due to an uptick in rap lyrics about cunnilingus — but there are still guys out there who shy away from going down on their partners.

Of course, it’s always possible someone might make fun of you for doing it, but if you go through life putting a fear of what other people will say front and center of your decision-making, you’re not going to have a great time. If you ask me, what’s really embarrassing is refusing to pleasure your sexual partner for antiquated, made-up reasons.

Myth: You Should Try Writing the Alphabet With Your Tongue

Somehow, the idea that you should write out the different letters of the alphabet on your partner’s clitoris became a bona fide sex myth. That’s not to say that it would necessarily be unpleasant to receive, but it’s not good advice, either.

“Doing the alphabet with your tongue is not universally interesting or good,” Lords says. “Are there some people who might enjoy it? Sure. But most women have no idea what that letter you just did was, nor do they care or why you’re not focusing your attention on the spot we enjoy the most — which is usually the clitoris.”

Having something concrete to focus on might be useful for some people, but a better tip would be to just let yourself get into the groove of the moment, according to O’Reilly.

“Rather than focusing on a specific movement, simply do what feels good for you,” she says. “Get lost in the moment and enjoy the taste, texture, temperature, feel and smell so that you enjoy the experience and aren’t focused on performance.”

Myth: You Need to Augment Your Oral With Penetration

Because the straight male perception of sex is so penetration-focused, it can be hard to step away from that even when you’re engaging in oral sex. You might feel the need to penetrate your partner anyway, either with your tongue, or with your fingers. While there’s nothing wrong with that if your partner’s into it, it’s a safe bet that won’t be the case 100% of the time.

“Penetrating your partner with your tongue can be hot, but most of the time, your tongue needs to find the clitoris and stay there,” says Lords.”

O’Reilly agrees. “Some people like finger and tongue penetration and others prefer rubbing, licking, grinding and vibrating on the outside,” she says. “Rather than getting hung up on penetration, enjoy the entire length of the vulva. Lick, suck and kiss from the head of the clitoris at the top all the way down to the sensitive fourchette at the bottom (where the lips meet).”

Myth: You Can’t Get Sexually Transmitted Infections from Cunnilingus

People often associate infection transmission primarily with penetrative sex, whether vaginal or anal.

But as great as cunnilingus is, unfortunately it’s still a sex act that can lead to giving or receiving a sexually transmitted infection if there’s direct contact between your mouth and your partner’s genitals.

According to the American Sexual Health Association, infections like chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes, HPV and HIV can be transmitted via cunnilingus, so before engaging in unprotected oral sex, you should know your STI status — and your partner’s.

Cunnilingus Pro Tips to Take Things to the Next Level

You might think, if you’re capable of making your partner orgasm on a fairly regular basis, that you’re all set as far as cunnilingus goes. But just because you’re decent at it doesn’t mean you don’t have anything to learn. If you want to really become an oral sex god, here are some pro tips to take into account:

Build Anticipation

“When you’re confident and experienced, you may rush to your ‘money moves’ because you know they work,” O’Reilly says. “Instead, build anticipation. Anticipation is not the precursor to pleasure; anticipation is pleasure itself.”

Lords agrees wholeheartedly. “Slow down and pay attention,” says Lords. “If you’re attentive to a partner’s reactions and words, you’ll automatically be better at cunnilingus.”

“Rather than diving right in, kiss all around their thighs,” O’Reilly suggests. “Lick around the Venus Mound. Take your time to draw awareness and circulation to the region before you start licking, kissing and sucking. Awaken all the corollary nerve endings with gentle kisses or using warm, gentle breath. Use your cheeks, lips, tongue, finger tips or even a toy to pique their interest.”

Use Edging

In addition to taking your time and building anticipation another good way to use building anticipation to create more pleasure is to try edging.

RELATED: How to Use the Edging to Drive Her Wild

Edging is a sex term for a technique where you bring your partner close to orgasm, and then back off a little bit so that they don’t climax yet. Doing this repeatedly will make the orgasm they do have at the end an incredibly powerful one.

Get on Your Grind

You might associate grinding with middle-school dances, but the act of pressing one’s crotch against something and rubbing it can have very fun implications when it comes to oral, too.

“Give your lover something to grind against,” says O’Reilly. “In the beginning, you might want to approach slowly and gently, but as their hips start thrusting (use their primal hip movements to guide your pressure and speed), you’ll want to increase the intensity. Get your face in there. Get your chin and cheeks in there. Get your nose in there. Roll your nose up and down, around and around and side to side. As your lover approaches orgasm, they need something to grind against. And that something is your face!”

Use Your Fingers

This isn’t something you necessarily should do every time, but fingering your partner while licking the clitoris can provide an intense, explosive pleasure as your fingers brush against the G-spot inside the vagina.

For starters, you should ask before penetrating, and stop if your partner asks or says that you’re hurting them. You should also wash your hands beforehand, and make sure your nails aren’t too long or sharp, as they can cause serious pain and even bleeding if you tear the vaginal lining.

To help make sure it’s smooth for everyone, using a little bit of lube is a good idea.

“Use lube and your fingers,” says O’Reilly. “Oral and manual sex go hand in hand, so add your fingers into the mix and play with her thighs, lips, clitoris and more while you kiss, breathe, suck and slide away.”

Put on Some Music

If you struggle to remain interested or focused while going down on your partner, one good tip is to listen to some music.

Not only does that have the side-benefit of covering up any noises your partner’s making (and potentially setting the mood, if you’re playing sexy songs), having a song on can give you a rhythm to match your tongue strokes to.

Make It a Conversation

Whatever you do, don’t just bury your head in your partner’s crotch, go at it and hope for the best.

Like anything sexual, getting good at cunnilingus is about a strong dynamic between the people involved, and you don’t get there by accident.

“When in doubt, ask,” says Lords. “The way to give your partner the best oral sex they’ve ever had is to find out what they enjoy most. Many, many people will want more clitoral action than they’re getting, so that’s a good start.”

“But,” she notes, you should “find out if slow and sensual works best or if they like something rougher, harder, or faster. And then give them what they want.”

BONUS: Use a Sex Toy

Of course, using your fingers can be a great addition, but taking things up one notch further with a sex toy can really blow your partner’s mind, since it can do things your fingers, well, can’t.

Whether it’s a dildo, a smaller vibrator or a toy that combines both attributes, penetrating your partner with it while you go down on them can result in a blended orgasm, where you’re making them climax from G-spot and clitoral stimulation simultaneously.

However, using a sex toy for penetration isn’t the only way of bringing one into your oral sex play. “You may opt to press a vibrating toy directly against your lover while you down on them (e.g. press the tip over the head of the clitoris while you lick down below),” says O’Reilly, “or you might press a flat vibrating toy against your cheek or throat so they can enjoy the rumbly vibrations via your lips and tongue.”

Products to Boost Your Cunnilingus Experience

In its natural state, all cunnilingus really requires is two bodies and some saliva. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be augmented with some outside help — or that you shouldn’t invest in it. Here are five things you can spend a little on if you’re looking to amp up your oral sex.

Vibrator

By and large, most straight guys don’t have a ton of vibrator experience — especially not compared to their female counterparts. But if that’s you, you’re missing out. It might seem a little bit weird to bring a toy into bed with you if you’re worried that it can pleasure your partner better than you can, but if you can push through that initial macho discomfort, you’re in for a world of orgasms. The JimmyJane Tilla, for instance, packs a G-spot-friendly curve to help stimulate hard-to-reach spots.
$29.99 at JimmyJane.com

Dildo

Of course, lots of vibrators are primarily for stimulating the clitoris, and it’s possible that with your mouth already doing just that, your partner would prefer something non-vibrating to penetrate her vagina. If that’s the case, you can opt instead for a dildo — a penis-like toy that makes up for in size what it’s lacking in vibration capacity. The Njoy Pure Wand stainless steel dildo isn’t exactly penis-shaped, but its curved appearance means more G-spot pleasure, and the steel construction means it’s both solid and durable.
$69 at Amazon.com

OMGYES

This isn’t a product per se, but damn if it won’t help your oral sex game. OMGYES is a site founded specifically to help men become experts in female pleasure, and though it’s not free, the investment is worth it if becoming a sex god is on your to-do list. And it’s not just a boring collection of how-to articles; the site helps you learn with interactive teaching tools that don’t hold anything back.
Check it out at OMGYES.com

Lubricant

Given the generally non-penetrative aspect of cunnilingus, it’s not something that necessarily requires lube. However, if you are putting things inside your partner’s vagina, like your fingers, or especially in the case of a sex toy, it’s a good idea to ensure that they’re well-lubricated before penetrating your partner with them. A good lubricant, like Astroglide’s Organix, which is flavor-, fragrance- and paraben-free, might be just what you’re looking for.
$11.49 at Amazon.com

Dental Dam

This won’t make things more pleasurable — in fact, it will diminish the sensation a little bit. But dental dams can mean the difference between an STI transmission and a clean bill of health; they can also mean the difference between a hearty “Yes” and a “Hmm, maybe not,” if you’re not sure of either partner’s STI status. If you’re feeling safe-sex conscious, you can DIY one in a pinch simply by cutting along the side of an unrolled condom, or using saran wrap, but for the real thing, why not try some flavored ones?
$9.99 at Amazon.com

All illustrations by Carlee Ranger.

You Might Also Dig:

• How to Give a Rim Job, Explained
• How to Get the Best Blowjob Ever
• Here’s What You Need to Know About 69ing