how can I fend off unwanted hugs at work?

A reader writes:

I am a woman in my 30s and I work with the public at a senior center. I do my best to maintain a friendly but professional presence with the center’s guests. Sometimes guests surprise me with a hug. I don’t hug back and try to step away quickly when they let me go, but I don’t make a big deal of it or say anything.

It’s men and women alike, usually in their 70s, 80s, or 90s, and nobody seems to be creepy or gropey about it. I try to be empathetic; some of the folks who hug me are very lonely, with not many close family members. In some cases, they might have a condition that can affect their judgment of what is appropriate. I am happy to be a good listener and point to the resources and activities that are available at the senior center. But regardless of the guest’s situation, I don’t think it’s my job to accept unwelcome touch.

I don’t want to come down too hard on a lonely, friendly person, and I don’t like to think of myself as frigid or unwelcoming. But, I need to reinforce my personal/professional space bubble. Do you have a script or any advice for this situation?

“Oh, I’m not a hugger but it’s so nice to see you!” Or “I’m not a hugger but I’m so glad for the chance to talk to you” or whatever makes sense for the situation — basically “I’m not a hugger” followed immediately by something positive to demonstrate warmth in a different way.

That said, the reality of this job is that you may get some people who want to override your preferences and insist on hugging you anyway, because generational norms on unwanted touch have really changed over the years and not everyone has realized that, and particularly when you’re dealing with people with cognitive issues.

Related:
hugging at work: okay or not okay?

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