He Wants Me To Be His Second Wife But That’s Not All

I’ve been dating a Nigerian man from the Igbo tribe for five years now. When we first met, he was working under someone, but now he’s doing business here in South Sudan, my home country.

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From the beginning, he told me that not every relationship leads to marriage. He also said he had a girlfriend in Nigeria. I wasn’t interested in marriage at the time so I didn’t care. I was too young and not deeply in love with him yet.

Now things have changed for me. Over the years, my feelings for him have grown stronger. Also, I’m turning 25 this December. This means I am ready to settle down.

The problem is he is not ready to marry me yet. He says that because he is a traditional man, his family will not allow him to marry a woman from another country as his first wife.

“For the sake of tradition, I have to marry a Nigerian woman first. After that, I will marry you as a second wife.”

This breaks my heart. I don’t like the idea of being a second wife but Jake is not someone I want to lose. This man has been my biggest support. He shows up for me emotionally and physically. He gives me advice, helps me through challenges, and has been my safe space when no one else, not even my cousins, cared.

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I’m the only child of my parents; I lost my three siblings and my father. My mum lives in the village, while I stay in the city with friends. Jake is literally the one person in my corner. He understands me better than anyone else.

He spends most of the year in South Sudan for business, and only goes back to Nigeria for Christmas. Because of this, he assures me that even if he marries another woman first, he would spend most of his time with me.

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What I find more confusing about his proposal is that he wants me to get pregnant before he returns to Nigeria this December. My mum has encouraged me to do it since I’m her only child.

Honestly, I also want a baby. I’m just not sure if I should agree to be the second wife for the sake of his tradition.

—Dinka

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