coworker leaves her teenager in our office, company says no one can give us references, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker leaves her teenager in our office while she’s gone

I will preface this by saying I work in a toxic environment with an an extremely toxic boss, so I know some of what’s going on isn’t normal. My coworker, Felicia, brings her teenage daughter to work. This is technically against company policy, but it’s not a fight I want to have with my boss.

Recently, though, Felicia has been leaving her daughter in the office while going off campus to meetings, lunch, etc. This means my other coworker, Carrie, and I have to watch over the daughter — make sure she’s signed into a computer, answer any questions, grab her lunch for her. I’m starting to feel more like a babysitter and less like a professional in what is supposed to be a professional environment.

Felicia is the only employee in our division who has been allowed to bring a child to work; everyone else who has asked has been told no, or sent home when they did bring a child.

Is it worth pushing back on this? Or should I just chalk it up to the bad boss and continue job searching?

The biggest issue here (at least as far as it impacts you) isn’t that Felicia is getting away with something others haven’t been allowed to do. It’s that what she’s doing is disruptive to your and Carrie’s work.

You should speak up to Felicia! Say this: “Please don’t leave Magnolia behind when you leave the office. She ends up needing a lot of help with things like using the computer and getting lunch, and I don’t feel comfortable being responsible for a minor without their parent here.”

If that doesn’t solve it, you should approach your boss with the same request: “Can you ask Felicia to take her daughter with her when she leaves our office space? She’s been leaving her behind, which means Carrie and I end up needing to babysit — helping her with the computer and getting lunch and so forth. I’ve explained to Felicia that it’s disruptive when she leaves Magnolia here unsupervised, but it’s still happening so I’m hoping you could speak with her.” (You mentioned your boss is toxic so approaching her might be a no-go, but this would be the next step in normal circumstances, at least.)

2. Our boss is dealing with cancer and can’t support our team

My boss was recently diagnosed with cancer. She’s expected to be okay, but understandably she’s going through a lot and facing a ton of uncertainty. It’s been kind of a dark cloud over our team, and we all genuinely feel for her. She mentioned early on that she wanted to keep working to take her mind off things, and of course we’ve supported that.

The problem is that she’s been really inconsistent lately — mixing up her own directives, dropping balls, and when we ask for clarification, she’ll say things like “Well, I have cancer, nothing matters, don’t stress.” She also brings up her medical situation in pretty much every conversation, and will sometimes tear up on calls with vendors or partners.

We all want to be compassionate, but projects are slipping through the cracks and it’s getting harder to do our jobs. Is there any way to gently encourage her to focus on her health and maybe let us handle things, without sounding heartless (or getting myself fired)?

Well … in theory you could try saying, “You understandably need to focus on your health right now, and we want you to be able to do that. We also need to be able to move work forward meanwhile and we don’t want to bother you with it. Can we deputize Cordelia or someone else to handle things like XYZ, with the understanding that we’ll come to you if ___ (fill in with specific high-stakes situations) happen?”

But given all you’ve describing, including her tearing up on calls with vendors, this is probably above your pay grade and you probably need to talk with someone above her about what’s going on — not framed as “Jane is messing up” but rather as, “Our team needs different support while Jane is understandably focused on a health crisis.”

3. My company says no one can give us references, even after they leave

I’m trying to understand whether the situation I’m facing is legal. I’ve been employed on a government contract for a long time, and the contract is changing hands soon. I’ll be staying on with the current company until the end, and some of the people I have reported to are still there too, while others have moved on to jobs at the organization that will be taking over the contract. HR has told all of them that they may not provide references for us, their employees, whether they are still working here or not. I’ve been working on this contract for a significant chunk of my professional life, and I’m not permitted to use any of the people I reported to here as references, even if they’re no longer working here.

I’ve never encountered this before, and the supervisors I’ve talked to about this haven’t, either. Is this something the company has a legal right to do? I’m in the U.S., if that helps. (Weirdly, I’ve been working on this contract much longer than I’ve been working for this company — it’s a company that merged with the company that bought out the company that merged with the company that bought my original employer.)

Yes, they can legally prevent current employees from giving references. It’s a bad practice (do they not want to check references themselves when hiring?) but it’s legal. Whether they can prevent it for managers who no longer work there is less likely; it’s possible if they had them sign a binding contract to that effect, but if they’re just announcing a policy and expecting people to adhere to it on their own, they don’t retain that control once people are out of their employment. In that situation, the company can legally request it, but former employees would be free to disregard it (and in fact that’s a pretty common response).

4. Items I’d bought for my desk disappeared in our move

My office building just finished shuffling people to different desks on different floors. We all packed up our desks by the end of the week, the moving crews took a week to do their thing, then we returned to our new desks with all our items waiting for us. Long story short, my box seems to have vanished. Nothing’s irreplaceable, but I’m out a few sentimental items (I’m glad for the decorations I never made time to bring in) and about $200 worth of personally-bought productivity items — a mechanical keyboard, a docking station, etc.

After a fair bit of rummaging, I’m accepting that it’s unlikely that I’ll see my desk supplies again. But is it reasonable to ask for some kind of reimbursement for the lost items? Any suggestions on how to phrase a request like that? I understand it’s no one’s fault and that these things happen.

Yes, it’s reasonable to ask for reimbursement, particularly for the work-related items. You might not get it — there’s always a risk when you bring in personal stuff that it might go missing, and employers generally aren’t legally responsible for that — but it’s not unreasonable to ask about it. I’d word it this way: “A number of items I’d purchased to do my work — a mechanical keyboard, a docking station, XYZ — were in the box of my stuff that never made it to my new desk. Since those were items I’d purchased for work, is it possible for the company to reimburse me or replace them?”

5. Is it OK to leave a job I just started for one that pays more?

My partner and I moved states recently and during my job search I interviewed with two companies. Company A paid $18,000 more, but also more stress and I wasn’t 100% sure I could do the job, more like 90%. Company B paid less, less stress, 100% confident I can do the job. I interviewed for both at the same time and went to the last part of the interview process for Company A, but wasn’t able to do the drug test required within three days, as the only location they want the test done at was in another state from where I was located at the time. I emailed HR, explaining my willingness to test at a place where I lived or immediately after we move and the HR rep said that was fine. A day later, I got a form rejection email and my emails to HR wondering why went unanswered.

I accepted an offer with Company B, and it’s fine so far. Pretty much the same money I was making. And I see Company A is still looking for someone for the position I interviewed for this summer. Ive only been with Company B one month, but I’ve thrown myself into this work so far and would feel bad leaving. But $18,000 is a substantial raise and would improve my quality of life. I think that a recent all-staff meeting left a bad taste in my mouth when someone who has been with the organization for seven years got a branded tote for an anniversary gift. I would feel guilty if I left so quickly but, I also know that businesses will throw you aside as soon as it benefits them, but still. Open to thoughts!

You’re absolutely allowed to leave a job for a better-paying one, even if you’ve just started. You need to do what’s best for you. Yes, it might burn a bridge with Company B, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it.

That said, I think you’re probably putting the cart before the horse since the last you heard from Company A, they’d taken you out of the running. It’s true that it could have been the drug testing logistics, but it also might not have been. Regardless, though, it would be fine to email them and say you saw they’re still looking to fill the X position, you’d reached the final stages of their interview process but weren’t able to do the drug test within three days because you were in a different state, but you’ve now moved to their state and would be able to complete it at their convenience, and if they still think you might be a match for the job, you’d love to talk more. There’s no guarantee they’ll respond, especially since they ignored your emails previously, but it’s worth contacting them and seeing what happens.

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