can I wish someone an “acceptable day”?

A reader writes:

I am doing my required end-of-quarter calls to parents of my failing students and one thing feels weird: wishing a parent a good day after telling them their child is failing my class because they are completely disengaged, not turning in anything, no they have never asked for help and have refused help, and, by the way, they got caught cheating on a test today.

I have been reading your advice for a few years now and, as a later-in-life diagnosed autistic woman, have really appreciated your pragmatic approach to explaining when social conventions are weird but the way things are (or being able to explain why something is important). You and your commentariat introduced me to the concept of “social lubricant words” and it has helped me be better at accepting those phrases as that rather than literally (e.g., responding “good” to “how are you?” no matter how I am feeling). But wishing a parent a good evening/weekend after discussing a difficult situation with their child or knowing my coworker is working/sick/having a bad day seems weird, even with the concept of social lubricant words.

Years ago, I read a book in which one of the main characters wished their troubled child “an acceptable day” as a way to convey that any kind of day, even ones in which they are struggling through difficult things, was good because they were doing the best they could that day. I loved this sentiment. My literal brain thinks it is a great alternative to wishing someone well when I have no idea what they are going through or know they are having a difficult time. But I have never heard it used by anyone else. I used to use this phrase a lot but have not recently because I worry it comes across as weird or incorrectly (to coworkers, parents, and students who do not know the backstory .

I know wishing someone “the day/job they deserve” always means “fuck you” and I do not want to inadvertently imply this kind of message — or anything else with negative connotations (one of my communication struggles is that I say things with their face-value meanings, without a car-load of hidden messaging, and accept what people say at face-value, not understanding the hidden meaning or that there is a hidden meaning until later). What do you think about wishing someone an acceptable day in a work/school context? Do you have an alternative suggestion for how to end a conversation with someone in which you discussed something that is not conducive to having a good evening/weekend?

I’m glad you mentioned the comparison of wishing someone “the day you deserve,” because that’s exactly what was in my head as I was reading your letter, and I do think this is highly likely to come across the same way.

It’s different in your example of a parent saying it to a child who’s struggling — in that case it’s being said in the context of a loving relationship where the two know each other very well. But saying it in the context you’re contemplating it in is a very different one — and a lot of people will take it as chilly or even unkind, even though you don’t mean it that way.

But there are other ways to end those calls where you’ve delivered bad news:
* “Thank you for talking with me.”
* “Thank you for talking with me, and I’m sorry I didn’t have better news.”
* “Thanks for talking with me, and I hope you still have a good rest of your day.”
* “Thank you for talking with me, and take care.”

Save “have an acceptable day” for relationships where there’s great intimacy and it will be seen as a caring recognition of where the other person is at, not as potential ill wishes.

The post can I wish someone an “acceptable day”? appeared first on Ask a Manager.