can I confiscate my coworkers’ screaming monkey toy, boss wants us to go on all-day rafting trip, and more

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. Can I confiscate my coworkers’ screaming monkey toy?

Today, as has happened multiple times in the last few months, some of my nearby coworkers in our relatively small satellite office decided to play catch with this “screaming monkey toy.”

The noise it makes is outrageously loud, especially in our small space, and I’ve previously indicated (politely) to coworkers that I find the noise not only distracting, but extremely annoying. After the first time, I asked them if they could please make an effort to not set the toy off, because of those reasons. The toy has been used a handful of times since then, each time with me reminding them that it is disruptive and obnoxious and could they please not play with it when other people are trying to work.

And yet today happened anyways. Would it be rude of me to either remove the sound-making device or otherwise dispose of the toy?

Nope. Your need to focus at work trumps their interest in repeatedly playing with an obnoxiously loud toy. They are being rude, you have asked them multiple times to stop, and now you are fully entitled to arrange for the monkey’s release into the wild.

– 2019

Read an update to this letter here.

2. My boss wants us to go on an all-day rafting trip

My company hired a new director (Michelle) a few years ago. Since then, there have been several new managers hired by her who really share her same outgoing personality. That’s not a negative in any way. But since then, I’ve noticed a lot more emphasis on team-building events. Some have been lunchtime learning, while some others border on silliness (like performing a short skit based on random objects). And about a year ago, we were all asked to do an online personality survey and then Michelle coordinated an off-site day where we were coached on the 16 personality types with the emphasis on leveraging success by knowing each other better.

Earlier this month, invites went out for a company sales conference in August. I’ve been here for seven years and this was the first time I ever got included. I’ve been very involved on several successful new product launches over the last three years. Part of the event will be more team-building, coordinated by a group they hired. It turns out that I was assigned to Michelle’s group (she is the team leader). There are about eight of us on the team. Michelle had a conference call to kick things off, and we have to pick a name for our team and submit designs for t-shirts. She also mentioned that we will be doing an all-day rafting trip as a break-out event. I emailed her a few days later to see if i could skip the rafting trip as I am a weak swimmer who is not comfortable around deep water. She replied saying that the event is still four months away and that she’d rather see me focus on how to meet a challenge rather than how to get out of it. She compared it to when she was afraid to do a zip line two years ago, but got through it. I was a bit floored.

My wife, who met Michelle at our holiday party and really likes her, is convinced that Michelle is testing me to see how I react and that is is my opportunity to impress her. With all the changes in our company, I can definitely see myself directly reporting to her someday and don’t want some silly decision to harm my standing. Can you offer your opinion on what you would do?

Personally, I would tell Michelle, “For safety reasons, I won’t be able to participate in this. I’ll plan to spend that day working on X and Y unless you prefer I spend that time differently.” Note that language is telling her that you won’t be participating, not asking her for permission to sit it out. You get to simply state that you’re not participating in something like this.

I’d also consider adding, “There may be other people who have health conditions that make participating iffy, and I’d love to see us pick a more inclusive activity.” Because that’s true — an all-day rafting trip is a big deal and there are a whole bunch of conditions people shouldn’t have to disclose to get out of that, including things she’s probably not even thinking about, like IBS.

Take a look at this and this. And hell, for good measure, this too.

– 2019

3. I got chastised for taking initiative

I work as a staff member for the executive office of a membership organization which has a council made up of members. A council member emailed me recently asking me if Task X was possible to do relatively easily and quickly. I thought it was strange that he was emailing me directly rather than going through the usual channels of the executive office, but I politely told him I would look into it. As it turns out, complying with his wish was not a big deal. It was an easy fix which took 10 minutes. So I executed Task X and sent the link of the work to three people — my boss, the relevant department head, and our technology VP — for review prior to me making the result public. I told them this was an easy fix that will solve a problem that our members have found to be troublesome.

The response of our technology VP — an email to me copying my boss — was that I breached protocol by creating and publishing the solution prior to consulting with the department head and without first looping in my boss. I immediately replied, apologizing if I overstepped my boundaries. But I said the solution is only visible to four people: me, the VP, my boss, and the department head. I haven’t made it public knowledge. I wouldn’t knowingly make things visible to the public unless I had the OK and green light from them. No response after that.

I am a bit puzzled by the VP’s response. I solved a sticky problem. And I did it with minimal cost in time, manpower and money. Yet I got admonished for it. What might be going on in the VP’s mind with this type of response?

It’s hard to say without knowing the specifics, but I can think of lots of things that I wouldn’t want an employee doing without checking with me first, even if it seemed like a good idea on the face, because I might have background or context that they didn’t know about and which would make it not in fact a good idea. I wouldn’t look at this as being chastised for taking initiative, but rather as finding out that you should loop others in before making changes in this category of stuff (and possibly other categories too — it could be a good opportunity to get aligned with your boss about what you can proceed with on your own and when you should check with someone else).

– 2015

Read an update to this letter here.

3. We’re supposed to stay late “out of courtesy” to other coworkers

I’ve been at my job six months. It’s in an industry I’ve been in for 18 years and where I’ve always worked hard, earned praise for my skills, and shown a cooperative spirit. I’ve never been reprimanded for not being a “team player” but at this job there is an unwritten rule of “you stay until everyone can leave even if you’re done with all your tasks.” An employee who’s been there a few years called it the pack mentality. She doesn’t agree with it but stays because she feels obligated. I can’t wrap my head around it. I feel like because this is a smaller team of younger employees, they’ve been indoctrinated into this mentality and it’s not healthy, but I’m new and am hesitant to make a stink about what I feel is unfair. I am not talking about not wanting to stay and help when there’s something I can truly do to get everyone out in a timely manner, I’m talking about being told to hang back because it would be obvious I’m leaving when the others aren’t.

Usually I sit there wondering what I should do, then after a few minutes of wasting time, I’ll leave. But one evening last week I was done and packing up, and I messaged my boss to ask if there was anything I could help with. She said no, but asked if I could stay maybe 10-20 minutes longer because it would be obvious if I left since the others couldn’t. I went into her office to sort of debate the request because I really needed to go home, but she got a phone call and waved me off after I motioned to her I needed to go. She didn’t mention anything the next day and I didn’t either.

I guess I feel strongly about it because I am the only one in the building who has kids and I switch places with my husband the moment I get home from work because he works nights. The sooner I can relieve him of the dad duties to rest, the better. If I’m wrong in feeling this is unfair and strange, I want to know so I can readjust my thinking.

Nope, you’re not wrong. Your coworkers should be capable of understanding that people might leave at different times depending on their workload that day. (And it’s likely they do understand that just fine, and this is solely your manager’s issue.) Plus, people are generally more cheerful about occasionally having to stay late when they’re not required to do it for no reason. This is a misuse of your time and a ridiculous practice.

I’d say this to your boss: “I can of course stay late on occasion when my workload requires it, but I have child care responsibilities at home and can’t stay late just because others aren’t ready to leave yet. So unless there’s something that specifically requires work from me — which, again, I’ll be happy to take care of — I’ll need to leave in the evening once my work for the day is done. I wanted to let you know since my sense is that might be a deviation from what others do.”

– 2019

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