can I ask my coworker to talk less about her pregnancy?

A reader writes:

I am a 32-year-old woman, and I work in a small, open office with 11 other women. All but two of us are between the ages of 22-35. I am senior to most of them, but my role is not a managerial one and I don’t have any direct reports. Our office is basically one big open room and we can hear everyone’s conversations all the time. Headphones, unfortunately, are not allowed.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost a year. I had a miscarriage a few months ago, but otherwise we’ve been as of yet unsuccessful. I know many people go through fertility issues and our situation is not unique or “as bad” as some people have it, but it has all been very hard on me, especially the miscarriage. Confounding all of that is the fact that my three oldest and closest friends have all gotten pregnant since we’ve started trying (and two of those were accidents — including a set of twins). All of that is to say, I feel like babies are everywhere and consuming my thoughts, and work has been my one safe place away from all of that. Until now.

One of my coworkers has just announced that she’s pregnant, and conversations have seemingly revolved around nothing else. It’s all I seem to hear all day every day. I’m sure some of that will die down as the news becomes less, well, novel, but it’ll probably pick back up again closer to her due date.

The thought of having to watch her get more and more pregnant and listening to chatter about it all day for the next six months is making me feel physically sick. I don’t know what to do about it, or how to make it more bearable. I’m working with a therapist about managing my own anxieties, fears and sadness, and we’re looking into seeing a fertility doctor, but is there anything I can say to my pregnant coworker (and the group at large) to have them focus less on the pregnancy, without offending my pregnant coworker or stealing her thunder?

Oh, I’m sorry. This must be really hard — you’re essentially a trapped, captive audience at work in a way you aren’t in social situations (where you can excuse yourself or otherwise limit your exposure if you need to). And on top of that, this is happening in the one spot that’s been your refuge from thinking about pregnancy up until now!

I wish there were a way to keep work a pregnancy-talk-free-zone for you! There isn’t, unfortunately. You’ve got a pregnant coworker, and she and others are going to talk about it.

However, if she’s a kind person, most people in her shoes would try to be sensitive to what’s going on if she knew about it — not meaning never talking about her pregnancy at all, but at least being thoughtful about how often it’s coming up. You certainly don’t have to disclose anything you don’t want to disclose, but if you’re willing to share with her what’s going on, it might help — not framed as “you can’t talk about this at work,” but as “this topic is really hard for me right now and if I seem off when it comes up, this is why.”

There’s also great advice in the comments on this post from women who have been through this.

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