AskFemme: What Should I Do About My Cheating Fantasy?

Welcome to AskFemme, our new sex column that’s all about demystifying female desire. My name is Sophie Saint Thomas, and I’m going to be answering all your sex questions — because for all the men who sleep with women, the best advice for getting better in bed is going to come from a woman. I will do my best to be nice, but one thing I won’t be is dishonest. Women still aren’t having enough orgasms, and men still seem super confused about that, so the point of this column is to help bridge that gap with some genuine openness and clarity about the nitty-gritty of sex. The Question: “Dear AskFemme. I love my girlfriend, but I'm so turned on by a cheating fantasy. What should I do?” - Carl, 35 The Answer: Dear Carl, I know you likely think I’m going to shame you for wanting this, but if that is part of your kink, you’re going to be disappointed. This fantasy makes complete sense to me. We’re humans. All of us, regardless of gender, are attracted to people other than a partner. It doesn’t mean you don’t love or want your girlfriend, of course not. (But on the off chance that that actually is the case, you can easily solve that by breaking up with her.) Let’s assume you are still into her, as I suspect, and you’re just horny. The popular advice these days is to practice some form of non-monogamy. Because it’s become much more normalized in recent years, it’s far from shameful or shocking. You could even come out as poly with a TikTok dance. You could put on some rabbit ears and attend poly cocktail evenings. You and your partner could express your compersion by giving one another high-fives before you go on dates with other people. I know what you’re thinking, Carl. Where’s the passion!? Where’s the sneaking!? Where’s the railing some hot redhead in a bar bathroom!? Sadly, I don’t think you should just. There are just too many things that could go wrong and ruin the fantasy. You could be so drunk in that bar bathroom that you forgo a condom and end up giving your girlfriend gonorrhea. You could get caught (because everyone gets caught) and your girlfriend could end the relationship, breaking your heart. Then she’ll probably find and DM the person you cheated with, who will make some tell-all confession in a very long caption about five things she did as a side piece while smashing a mirror, and you’ll still end up on TikTok despite never having attended any poly cocktails. RELATED: We Got Cheaters to Share Their Regrets The thing about non-monogamy is that it doesn’t have to be corny. It doesn’t even have to be ethical, if you do it ethically. What if you and your girlfriend agree to let each other “cheat?” You get a hall pass, in other words. You’ll still have to talk and get her to agree to it, but you can still enjoy the open part of your newly open relationship through spontaneity, which is largely what makes cheating so appealing… that and the newness of someone else. Yes, this means that your girlfriend also gets to cheat. If you’re man enough to accept that, for your own part, wear a condom, of course, and tell the person you “cheat” with that you’re in a relationship, so it doesn’t all explode in your face. But yeah, you can enjoy an open relationship by picking up a hot stranger in a bar, rather than attending a sex-positive event with a theme. If you want to play at an advanced level, you could hire a sex worker to play out your cheating fantasy. Now that’s a really great idea. You know the sex will be good, she’ll know all about safer sex, and you avoid any potential emotional messiness. If the above sounds completely unappealing to you, and it’s the actual lying and risk that comes with it, that’s where we have a real problem. It’s normal to be into the idea of sleeping with shiny new other people with abandon, and it’s normal to be into things that feel taboo or wrong. But if you’re so turned on by the idea of being a bad person that you think you need to engage in hurtful, deceitful behavior to be happy, I think what you really need is some healing. Hint, hint, solo sex therapy. Both you and your girlfriend deserve better. I hope you chose the right option. But if you do go ahead and actually cheat, I look forward to seeing you on TikTok. You Might Also Dig: Can Cheating Be Healthy for a Relationship? How to Tell Her You CheatedNever Have I Ever: Cheated on Someone