Women's Sex Deal Breakers

Sex, like most things in dating, is a two-way street — and whether you’re having a one-night stand or trying to pursue a long-term relationship, you probably want your partner to have a good time when you hook up.  To that end, it’s important to be mindful of some common dealbreakers.  You know, the kinds of things she might complain about over drinks to her friends (and who wants a reputation for being bad in the sack?) — or worse, that might prompt her to go MIA for good. RELATED: Biggest Deal-Breakers in a Relationship It’s important to acknowledge that one person’s dealbreakers may be another person’s fetishes.  Case in point: Some women shudder at the thought of a guy wearing socks during sex, and others shrug and find it endearing. On the other hand, for some women, a little light hair-pulling or spanking might be sexy as hell — while it might immediately give others the ick or even feel triggering. So, rather than make assumptions, why not just ask your partner what works (and doesn’t) for them? “We've all been taught a sexual script of sorts about what sex ‘should’ look like and include — but we all vary and all have different dealbreakers in bed,” says Leigh Norén, a sex & relationship therapist with a Master of Science in Sexology & host of In Bed with Science: a Sex Podcast. “For this reason, it's important to clarify dealbreakers and turn-ons with a sex partner. It's the fastest route to really great sex and understanding one another.” We’re certainly not here to “yuck” anyone’s “yum.” That said, experts agree that some behaviors are pretty universal turn-offs between the sheets. So, to play it safe, consider avoiding these common sex dealbreakers. 1. Getting “Grabby” You might think grabbing her butt is flirty — but there’s a solid chance she thinks it’s annoying, presumptuous, or even rude. “Being ‘grabby’ may be a turn-on for some, but if you're not already in the mood, chances are it can feel like you're just a piece of meat (and not in a good way),” explains Norén. RELATED: Ways Men Creep Women Out Without Realizing It So, next time, Norén suggests showing them you’re feeling frisky with a more subtle move — like coming up behind them and giving a gentle kiss on their neck, or caressing the small of their back. You’re more likely to get what you want when you take this less aggressive approach. 2. Skipping the Warmup “Women aren’t microwaves — we’re slow cookers,” says Pamela Madsen, a relationship expert, somatic sex educator and founder of Back to the Body. “When you rush, you miss the magic,” adds Madsen. ‘Nuff said. If you aren’t making time for foreplay, you’re definitely missing out — and obviously, so is your partner. “Unfortunately for most of us, sex education emphasized male ejaculation, turning intercourse into the main event,” adds Karen Bigman, a certified sex educator through the Sexual Health Alliance, an intimacy coach, and host of the podcast Taboo to Truth: Life & Sex After 50. “All roads lead to penetration and his orgasm. If all you do is give her a few kisses and then jump right in, you’re not only going to encounter the Sahara Desert, you also might not be invited back.” Foreplay doesn’t have to take an hour, either. Even if you only have time for a quickie, a few minutes of making out, or using your mouth or fingers, can go a long way. 3. Rejecting Feedback “The key to a great sexual experience is communication,” says Bigman. If you and your partner can’t tell each other what you like — and don’t like — in the bedroom, how are you ever going to make sure you both finish? That means you have to be open to feedback. Which brings us to the next dealbreaker: Getting too defensive when your partner tries to tell you what works and what doesn’t. RELATED: How to Talk About Sex With a Partner “Listening is sexy,” says Madsen. “So is adjusting.” Sure, it may feel like an ego blow when she says that signature move of yours is a total turn-off. But try to swallow your pride and keep in mind that feedback is a gift. The goal here is to make her feel good, and she’s giving you valuable information to ensure you can do just that. 4. Breezing Past the Aftercare Assumed that sex is over once you both reach orgasm? Think again. It’s time to learn the art of aftercare — the practice of reflecting on the experience and offering each other support. “Aftercare is where safety lands in the body,” Madsen tells AskMen. “It’s not ‘extra.’ It’s part of the act itself.” RELATED: The Most Annoying Things Guys Do When They Finish During Sex Since different people can have unique needs for aftercare, consider asking your partner what would be most helpful for them. Some people may want to cuddle, hold hands, or physically reconnect in some way. Others may prefer to verbally debrief about and reflect on what happened. 5. Total Silence We’re not saying you need to be vocal throughout your entire sexual experience — in fact, we’re inclined to say that might be annoying to most — but staying dead silent throughout can be a major turn-off for a lot of women. Not only does it make them feel uncomfy if they’re the only ones making noise, but it might even stoke some insecurity that you’re not enjoying yourself. According to Mindy DeSeta, a sexologist and sexuality educator at Hily dating app, a little dirty talk here and there or even just the occasional moan can definitely take her over the edge. RELATED: How to Talk Dirty Like a Naughty Pro “Great sex is experienced through all five senses,” she explains. “When the auditory element is completely absent, the experience can become awkward and disconnected. This silence creates space for overthinking. And so instead of being in the moment, she is now in her head analyzing her every move and your lack of verbal response.” In other words: Your verbal engagement is just the positive feedback she needs. Moan away!  6. Poor Hygiene This hopefully goes without saying, but it’s downright disrespectful to neglect your personal hygiene when you’re getting intimate with someone. “I've had clients who won't even let their partner sit on the bed in the clothes they've worn all day, much less get intimate without showering first,” says DeSeta. RELATED: The Ultimate Guide to Grooming Your Penis Bigman agrees: Women appreciate it when a man takes the time to make sure his body is clean before she’s putting her hands, mouth, and intimate parts all over it. “Many also appreciate a good shave or some manscaping,” she adds. While we’re on the subject: Be considerate when it comes to your facial hair, too. “For those with sensitive skin, razor stubble can lead to chafing, which isn't so pleasurable!” says Bigman. 7. Not Reading the Room Good sex requires a certain degree of awareness: you need to pay attention to not only what your partner is saying, but what their body language and facial expressions tell you. “If someone is enjoying themselves, you’ll know it — and in that case, don’t change what you’re doing!” Bigman tells AskMen. For example, smiling, leaning in toward you, expressing pleasure verbally, or making moans and groans are all signs that you can keep going. On the other hand, if your partner keeps breaking eye contact, seems disconnected or less enthusiastic, or angling their body away from you, that’s your cue to stop and check in with them before switching it up. RELATED: Asking for Consent Examples — How to Talk About It With a Partner This kind of heightened awareness is also helpful when it comes to getting consent from your partner. Remember: Just because they haven’t outright said “no,” doesn’t mean they’re saying “yes.” 8. Being Straight-Up Selfish “A lot of clients I've had over the years have also said that one of the biggest dealbreakers is when a partner doesn't seem to care about their pleasure,” Norén tells AskMen. RELATED: The Benefits of Being an Unselfish Lover Not all women feel comfortable being assertive in expressing their needs. It’s your job to find out what they are, and make a clear effort to meet them. “A lot of women are just fed up with sex that feels unequal — say, when a man expects oral sex but doesn’t want go down on their partner,” says Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Fleshy and author of Eve's Blessing: Uncovering the Lost Pleasure Behind Female Pain. By the way — according to Weiss, most women would never sleep with you again if you assume that sex is over just because you’ve finished, even if she hasn’t. “Spending time and effort on helping your partner come — or at the very least, simply enjoy sex — is important,” adds Norén. “And if you're not sure what it is they want, ask them. If nothing else, this shows them that their pleasure is important to you and, arguably, that is one of the best characteristics a sex partner can have.” You Might Also Dig: 7 Qualities of a Great Sex PartnerWhat Makes a Man Good in Bed? Check for These QualitiesTop 10 Simple Ways to Become a Better Lover