Why Women Wait Longer to Have Sex

You just started dating someone new. You’re attracted to her and would love to get physically intimate with her. Things are going well. And then she tells you that she would rather wait before having sex. Perhaps the topic comes up on a date, or maybe it follows a heavy makeout session. You respond with kindness and understanding, but you might be a little bummed or curious about her reasons. You might also be wondering how to broach the topic in a respectful way. RELATED: Why Waiting to Have Sex Can Be a Good Thing Here’s why some women choose to take things slower on that front — and how to respectfully navigate this sort of dating scenario. Reasons Women Might Wait Longer to Have Sex Generalizations are not helpful. Women, just like men, have different views of sex and preferences. However, in a world where gender is a significant factor in people’s lives, women face unique realities that may play a role into why some of them choose to wait before getting sexual with a new partner. “Women who choose to wait are most likely not being prude, mean, or playing games,” says Nicole Prause, Ph.D., licensed psychologist, researcher and founder of Liberos. “They are making informed decisions based on the information you give them during dates regarding how safe you are and helping to learn how to experience pleasure with you.” Again, this doesn’t mean that your new romantic interest thinks that you’ll be terrible in bed, is not attracted to you, or feels unsafe around you. But it does mean that she may want to take her time to establish more trust. 1. They Might Anticipate Less Pleasure Than You “If you are having sex with women, the likelihood they are going to experience climax during their first sexual experience with you is small,” says Prause, referring to what’s known as the ‘orgasm gap.’” Keep in mind that this isn’t necessarily a reflection of your perceived abilities in the bedroom, but a consequence of previous unsatisfying encounters or bad experiences with men. If she’s mostly experienced selfish lovers in the past, she might not see a hookup with a guy she doesn’t know well yet as a fun encounter the way a man would. As Prause puts it, when women are deciding whether to be sexual or not, they are balancing “serious concerns with a lower likelihood of pleasure than most men are.” 2. They Might Be Conscious of Seeming ‘Too Easy’ Seeming “too easy” is also a potential concern. Historically, women have been shamed and judged for embracing their sexuality. While messages like “don’t give it up too quickly” or “why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free” are outdated and problematic, they can still impact womens’ choices when it comes to sex. “Society’s stigma of having sex ‘too quickly’ has a strong negative connotation that many women feel shame around,” according to Christina Bradley, a senior associate therapist at Gateway to Solutions. There are even dating rules like the “90-day rule,” which suggests that a woman should wait at least 90 days before having sex with a man. These rules are based on the notion that men don’t value women who sleep with them too fast. Because of all this, a woman might sexually desire you yet pump the breaks to avoid being perceived in a certain way. Ironically, the more she likes you, the more concerned she might be about what you’ll think if she has sex with you too soon 3. They Might Be Worried About Accidental Pregnancy Fears of accidental pregnancy may also contribute to the decision to wait longer before having sex. “The possibility of unplanned pregnancy makes many women fearful, hesitant, or at minimum need to do very complex calculations about sex at any given time,” says Carol Queen, Good Vibes staff sexologist. “This has gotten exponentially worse for many as abortion and even Plan B and birth control are at risk for women in so many states in the U.S.” Even with access to reproductive health care, an unplanned pregnancy with someone you barely know is a stressful situation to find yourself in. Women shoulder the burden of birth control – and with that burden can come a tendency to hesitate before having sex with a new partner. 4. They Might Be Worried About STI Transmission In a similar vein, STI transmission is another risk that women may consider before choosing to have sex with you. It’s not a small one – according to the CDC, 1 in 5 people in the U.S. have an STI. Anyone who is sexually active can get or spread one, especially considering that some infections can be asymptomatic. This risk increases if you have several sexual partners. Women may be all too aware of those dangers. A Cosmopolitan survey revealed that nearly half of women (47 percent) reported that none of their past partners asked about their STI testing results before sex. The survey also revealed that women are more likely than men to have been tested in the past year (58 percent of women versus 33 percent of men). While condoms greatly reduce the risk of getting an STI, they are not foolproof. Some women may choose to wait until you establish trust and sexual exclusivity before sleeping with you — or they may want to ask that you both get tested before having sex. 5. They Might Be Worried About Sexual Violence A woman’s risk of being assaulted by a man is “many times higher than the risk of the reverse,” says Prause. Unfortunately, sexual violence is prevalent. According to RAINN, 1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape. CDC data also shows that 1 in 3 women experience sexual harassment in a public place. While men can be sexually assaulted too, the large majority of victims are women (90%). Unsurprisingly, this factors into their thinking about sex, especially if they’ve experienced trauma in the past. RELATED: How to Support Sexual Assault Survivors 6. They Might Fear an Imbalance in Emotional Attachment Some women are happy having casual sex. Others only want to have sex with people they have an emotional connection with. “Though this is a generalization and not a hard-and-fast rule, men can compartmentalize sexual encounters and women have their emotions incorporated in the act,” says licensed mental health counselor Mary Joye. While, again, this isn’t a statement that is applicable to all women — and men can certainly prefer emotionally connected sex too — some women are conscious that if they sleep with a man, they feel like they’re likely to develop deeper feelings for him. “Men may also disengage after physical intimacy, so there is a risk of losing the connection entirely,” adds Bradley. In a hookup culture where lots of guys are looking for casual sex rather than more meaningful relationships, if a woman is worried the guy she’s seeing is unlikely to stick around if she starts to want more, it makes sense to adopt a ‘wait and see’ approach when it comes to sex. As a result, these women may wait to assess whether the relationship gets more serious and see what his level of interest or commitment is before investing more. 7. They Might Have Other Personal Reasons People, regardless of gender, have lots of reasons for wanting to wait before rushing into a sexual relationship with someone. Some people choose to abstain from sex until marriage for religious reasons. Others have boundaries around sex and exclusivity. People who’ve never slept with anyone before might want to take things slow so they don’t end up regretting their first time. RELATED: Things to Consider Before Sleeping With a Virgin There are dozens of reasons not necessarily connected to gender that a woman might want to wait longer to have sex. Ultimately, though, there’s no justification needed. Sometimes you’re just at a point in your life or in a specific relationship when waiting to have sex feels like the best thing for you. How to Discuss It If She Wants to Wait If a woman you’re seeing is asking you to wait or otherwise wants to take it slow sexually, there are a few things you can do to approach her with care and consideration. The most important thing to do is to avoid pressuring her and show her that you respect her decision. According to Prause, women are often nervous to share that they don’t want to have sex. Some of this reticence can come from the instinct to protect themselves against coercion of violence. But some of it also boils down to the fact that they might like you and want you to like them back. Maybe they’re attracted and do want to be sexual with you at some point — they’re just not ready yet. Perhaps they’re worried about how you’ll perceive them or react. So, if your new partner told you that she isn’t ready to have sex with you yet, know that it might not have been easy to share. Your reaction — and your approach to physical intimacy after she discloses that she wants to wait — plays a role in determining how safe she feels when she's with you. “The No. 1 thing I believe men can do to respectfully navigate women's preferences for initiating sex is to look for a no,” says Prause. “Men typically look only for ‘go’ signals. She said yes to kissing? She'll probably let me touch her breasts, so I'll try.” Looking for stop signals, on the other hand, shows that you’re trustworthy and respectful — and interested in establishing safety and respecting her consent. For example, if she flinches when you try to touch her breasts, you can take note and stick to kissing unless she moves her hands back or explicitly tells you to try again. RELATED: 6 Things That Don’t Constitute Consent (And 3 Things That Do) “In summary, there are many reasons women may be hesitant to give you a strong no. You can be an ally by looking for, even soliciting, a no. When women feel safe to tell you their sexual desires, this is, by far, the best long-term strategy for establishing trust to share sexual desires in any sexual relationship with a woman,” adds Prause. Finally, Prause advises against asking for a specific timeline: “While there occasionally may be women who have a number in mind, it is far more likely that she is waiting to feel secure, whatever that means to her, and you asking for a specific timing means you have no idea what she is experiencing.” If sex early in a relationship is important to you and you no longer feel comfortable waiting, the right thing to do is to accept where she’s at and consider whether you want to continue the relationship or not. You Might Also Dig: What Women Say & What They Really MeanWhat Is Slut-Shaming? (And Why You Need to Stop Doing It) Here's What Guys Should Know About Sexism