“Why bring children into a cruel world?”: Pastors answer this and other questions you have about having children

Last week, Salt&Light published a response piece to the Singapore government’s announcement of the total fertility rate (TFR). The piece received lots of buzz. Many people had many questions surrounding the topic, from nuances and exceptions to real, practical concerns. 

We invited some Pastors to answer the top questions raised by readers.

⁠1. Where does it say in the Bible that married couples should have children? 

Pastor Christopher Chia, Senior Pastor of Adam Road Presbyterian Church replies:

We must always look at all things through the eyes of God. Or else we will lose the original context and true purpose of all matters of life under God. Once we decouple ourselves from God, we become like a driverless runaway train speeding aimlessly towards disastrous endings. 

I understand and articulate the human story simply as: God’s good design in Creation and Satan’s evil design in the Fall. 

First, God’s good design creation. God designs marriage and family for two seminal purposes – children and companionship – to bear his image and fill the earth. 

Genesis 1:28 records it as such: “And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

God’s design for companionship is in Genesis 2:18 “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

Marital companionship and children as progeny incarnate a precious divine truth. We are created by God not for self-fulfilment. We are hardwired to exist for someone bigger than us – God. We are also designed by God to exist for someone other than us – children.

Second, Satan’s evil design in the Fall. Satan’s sole existential is to oppose God, his purpose and people. In Genesis 3-4, he destroys three foundational relationships: between God and us, between the first couple (Adam and Eve) and between the first family (Cain kills Abel). 

Put simply, after the Fall, every heart is distorted (Roman 3:23). Consequently, every marriage and every family is dysfunctional in some way.

So, in answering the question about having children, we firstly need to factor in God’s good design. In understanding this, we need a paradigm mindset shift from “why have children?” to “why not have children?”, as it is God’s good purpose! 

Children are a wonderful gift from God. They bring untold joy. They bring inexplicable meaning. Not because they continue our human lineage but they fulfil God’s good purpose of divine love experienced and passed on through our human families.     

That, however, must not lead us to “lopsided Creational optimism” that advocates for unbridled procreation that perpetuates a cycle of endless poverty.  

2. Isn’t it irresponsible to bring children into a cruel world to suffer?

Pastor Christopher Chia, Senior Pastor of Adam Road Presbyterian Church replies:

Avoid two distorted visions: Creational optimism and Fallen pessimism.

Our worldview must be tempered by the doctrine of the Fall. God tells us life outside the garden of Eden without Him will be characterised by these hard truths: we will “eat but only by the sweat of our brow” and our experience will be “filled thorns and thistles” (Genesis 3:16).

So, we should not swing from “lopsided Creational optimism” to the polar extreme of “lopsided Fallen pessimism”! When we do, we unintentionally fall into Satan’s trap and see little or no good in God’s good design. That is perhaps the prevailing worldview today. 

Rather, we as Christians can embrace and live by “holistic salvation realism” – God has sent Jesus to redeem all things.  

Two things to understand:

a. This is God’s best design in Christ. Jesus has not come to overturn God’s good design in creation. He has come to fulfil them. 

The apostle Paul articulated it this way: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5:31-33)

In one masterstroke, Paul links God’s creational purpose (Genesis 2:24 – “the two will become one flesh”) to God’s redemptive purpose in Christ. The earthly marriage between two believers in Christ is a small visual display of Christ’s marriage to the church (the perfection of the “two will become one”).   

Put simply, Jesus has come to fulfil God’s purpose – which began in creation, climaxed in his death and resurrection. And will be consummated when he returns in glory. In short, believers in Jesus can fulfil both God’s creation and “new” creation purpose while waiting victoriously for his return.

We live between the changing of the ages, between “the now but not yet”.  We should go forth, multiply and fill the earth (Genesis 1:26-31). We must also “go and make disciples of all nations” (Matthew 28:18-20).  

b. Embrace God’s providence in both creation and new creation.

“Providence” is the Christian doctrine that refers to God’s sovereign, loving and personal rule over all macro history and our minor lives. 

What does that mean for us practically? We should always seek to be responding to a good God instead of reacting to a bad world.  

So our first order reason to have children is neither a national duty to reverse the TFR. Nor a filial duty to fulfil parents’ wish. Nor a personal desire to be fulfilled.

Conversely, our primary reason not to have kids should not be the suffering of this world, the prohibitive financial cost, or the loss of individual freedom.

Our best reason is to live according to God’s good design which may encompass the up and down sides of parenthood.

Some futurologists of the 1800s predicted that the maximum capacity of the earth was 600 million. And so we should be responsible and stop bringing more children into the world, even then 200 years ago! The world’s population is now 6 billion! 

The message is simple and assuring. We don’t have to tell God how to be God. We should focus on being creatures, not the creator. 

So, it is not irresponsible to have children. God’s answer to a cruel world is not simplistically by having fewer children but, more so, by spreading the Good News of salvation to all nations to birth more spiritual children (Matthew 28:18-20). 

Christian parents should remember our highest goal is not merely to birth and raise biological kids but to nurture them to faith in Christ to become spiritual children of God. 

Christian parents have to always remember that God did not bless us with kids to be the next anxious worker for the economy but as the “next gen” worshipper of Christ. 

3. What if I don’t feel capable of being a parent? For example, if I have emotional and mental health struggles/trauma from my family history, wouldn’t I be doing my children a disservice if I brought them into a world and caused them more harm than good?

Pastor Chua Seng Lee, Senior Pastor of Bethesda Bedok-Tampines Church replies:

“Can I be a good father if I don’t have good relationship with my earthly father? Can I be a good father if I have negative or traumatic relationship with my earthly father? Would I be a bad father? Would I wound my children the way I’d been wounded?”

These were all real and serious questions that I had to process when I was married. 

In truth, I had quite a stormy relationship with my absent father who cared for outsiders more than family. We had physical fights over some of his “associations” outside the family.

The Lord helped me to realise that the question should not start with me. The question should start with God.

What does God want in a Christian marriage?

Gen1: 28 shows us that the Lord has always intended for humanity to pro-create in marriage. Even after the fall, He repeated this to Noah’s family (Gen 9:1)..

It is always His will and desire for us to be fruitful and have physical offspring.

I have come to learn that God will not ask us to do something if He will not help. But our focus must be on Him – even in facing our trauma or mental health struggles.

These do not define our lives. They may be “road bumps” in our faith journey or even marriage, but they are not meant to stop us from fulfilling God’s will and promises.

Don’t get me wrong – I am not putting down the struggles and challenges of mental health challenges or traumatic relationships with our parents. I’ve had my fair share.
But I have found that it was in my weakness that I could see the strength of the Lord (2 Corinthians 12:9).

In so many chapters of my life, especially when I felt small and inadequate, I experienced His grace in strengthening me. 

I saw His enabling when I was unable to feel.

I saw His empowering when I was powerless to fight.

I saw Him establishing His reign when I could not control my fear.

When I focused on Him – not on myself or my wounds – His grace would see me through those moments.

I have been married for almost 33 years now. My children are adults, 31 and 27 years old, and they both serve the Lord in their own unique ways.

Have I wounded them? Have I failed them? Have I done any disservice to them?

Probably at some moments in their growing journey. In those moments, I cried to God for mercy – not getting what I deserved. I asked for His grace – getting what I don’t deserved.

On this side of heaven, we will fail in our roles sometimes.But when we keep focusing on Him, leaning on Him, abiding in Him, we will experience more victories than defeats.

Just as the question should not start with me, the final outcome should not depend on me. Everything, including the outcome of my children, is dependent on God and God alone. I am only a steward entrusted to do my part in bringing them up in the fear of the Lord.

4. If God wants Christian couples to have children, then what about those couples who can’t have children or have gone through multiple miscarriages?

Pastor Debbie Ng of 3:16 Church replies:

Infertility and miscarriage carry a weight that’s hard to explain: Quiet disappointment, private grief, and prayers that can start to feel like they’re going nowhere. It’s the kind of pain couples carry quietly, because it’s difficult to talk about, and even harder to know what you want others to say.

I know this personally. Norman and I suffered a miscarriage 11 years ago. I still remember the shock, the grief, and the ache that followed. It was one of the hardest things we went through as a couple, and honestly, my faith was shaken. I remember thinking: If God is loving, why did this happen? If children are a blessing, why would He allow life to begin in my womb and then take our baby away just a few weeks later? If He is the giver of life, why did He not intervene? And if God wants us to “be fruitful and multiply,” why did our story feel like subtraction instead of multiplication?

I pulled away from God, because I wanted answers more than I wanted silence. 

Months later, on a work trip overseas, I was sitting alone on a plane when I sensed the Lord pressing a question into my heart: “Why are you demanding a full explanation from Me for the miscarriage?” As I wrestled with Him right there in my seat, I began to see what had been happening in me. Without realising it, I had been trying to sit in God’s seat, requiring Him to answer to me, on my terms, for outcomes I could not control.

So I began to learn to trust God again slowly, honestly, and with open hands. I had to surrender not only my questions, but my need to control the outcome. This time, my trust wasn’t built on my expectations. It was built on His grace, and the settled conviction that whatever happens, He is still God, He is still good, and He is still in control.

So when someone asks, “If God instructs us to have children, what about couples who can’t or those who have miscarried?” I would personally not start with the outcome, but with the posture of our hearts. Because while we cannot always control if and when we have children, we can decide how we respond to God.

We can say: “Lord, we desire children as a gift, if You will provide.” This first posture is marked by openness and longing, even if the outcome is painful or delayed. It is a posture of surrender to His will and His plan.

We can say: “Lord, I turn my heart away from You because You did not give me what I wanted.” This second posture shows what disappointment or grief can do when it hardens into distrust. We may begin with a good desire, but when life turns out differently from what we expected, we allow our hearts to drift away from God. That was me.

We can even say: “Lord, I don’t want this gift because it interrupts my plans.” This third posture reveals a resistance not just to children but to surrender itself. We quietly conclude that we know better, even when it differs from what God says. And sometimes, we may even unintentionally shape the Word to suit our preferences, instead of letting the Word shape our lives.

Some couples conceive quickly. Others wait longer than they had hoped. Some will carry the ache of loss. And some may never have biological children of their own. For some, fostering or adoption may be the path God opens both for them and for the children waiting for a family.

In all of this, I have come to this place: God is sovereign, and God is good even when the outcome is not what we wanted. We may not always receive explanations, but we are invited to posture ourselves in trust. Believing that He knows best, and learning to desire what He desires.

5.⁠ ⁠Can I choose to adopt instead?

Pastor Christopher Chia, Senior Pastor of Adam Road Presbyterian Church replies:

Yes! It is very Christian to do so. It is love in action. It is other person-centred. It is altruistic. 

In an MSF consultation for the Adoption of Children Act to  strengthen Singapore’s legislative framework for the adoption of children, it noted that adoption is to find a good home for every unwanted child. Adoption – if properly regulated – breaks cycles of abuse and neglect. It also deters undesirable behaviours in the adoption sector. 

The top 10 adopting nations are mainly Western countries – USA, Italy, Spain, France, Canada, Sweden, Netherlands, Germany, Norway, Denmark – with an inherited Christian culture. 

In Singapore, the number of adoptions has generally stayed consistent around the 400 mark over the past few years. 

6. What if we can’t afford children?

Pastor Eileen Toh of City Harvest Church, who oversees Harvest Kidz children’s ministry, the dialect ministry and JAMs, a special needs ministry replies:

Children are a blessing. The Bible affirms this clearly in Psalm 127:3 – “Children are a heritage from the Lord.” (Psalm 127:3) Also, married couples are called to “Be fruitful and multiply.” (Genesis 1:28)

However, marriage is not only for having children. The Bible also teaches companionship, love, and mutual support.

Genesis 2:18 (NKJV) states: “And the LORD God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.’”

Similarly, in Ephesians 5:21-33, “Husbands and wives are called to give love and support to one another.”

There are real circumstances in which a couple may not have children, such as financial difficulties, serious health concerns, infertility, or life or ministry calling.

There are cases where a couple struggles to even put food on the table, even though they may already be receiving government support or other help.

When it comes to having children, financial wisdom must be exercised.

It is important for church leaders to journey with their married flock in each season of their lives. For some couples, that season may including having children. For others, it may involve other circumstances such as health issues, calling, or personal challenges. The role of the church is to walk alongside them with wisdom, care and pastoral support.

For couples who worry that their lifestyles and spending will be affected, we can encourage and challenge them to be more selfless and less materialistic.

Ultimately, decisions about children should be made with prayer, wisdom and mutual agreement between husband and wife. It’s important to recognise that each couple’s threshold is different.

There are cases where a marriage may suffer because the pressure to have children overwhelms the love and companionship aspects of being husband and wife, which are equally important.

Christians are called to trust God while also exercising responsible stewardship of their lives and resources. So ultimately each family must discern God’s guidance for their situation with humility and faith.

7. If God wants Christian couples to have children, then what if having children is in conflict with my personal goals?

Pastor Debbie Ng of 3:16 Church replies:

This question reflects a very real tension for many Christian couples today especially in Singapore. Career progression, financial stability, housing, work-life balance, and quality of life are taken seriously. And we all know having children changes our lives significantly.

When people ask, “What if having children conflicts with my personal goals?” I think the deeper question isn’t about children or goals but this: “Who defines the direction of our lives?”

Scripture is clear that children are a gift from the Lord (Psalm 127:3). The Bible consistently frames children as a blessing, not as a burden or a disruption to a meaningful life.

At the same time, Scripture also recognises that we make plans. Proverbs 16:9 says, “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.” 

Planning isn’t wrong. In fact, it can be wise. But the verse reminds us that our plans are not ultimate; God is.

Do we expect God’s blessings to fit neatly into the plans we have already made, or are we willing to let God reshape our plans?

Sometimes I think we treat God like a Grab driver. We say He’s in the driver’s seat, but actually we’ve already keyed in the destination. We’re not really asking Him to lead; we’re asking Him to help us get to our chosen endpoint. But lordship doesn’t work like that. Surrender means we let God set the direction and destination.

Many couples do not reject children entirely, but they want children on their timeline – after careers stabilise, after finances feel secure, after they’ve travelled enough… but life rarely reaches that perfect moment of readiness.

Following Jesus has always meant surrendering control of our lives to Him and that includes our timelines. It means trusting that the Lord’s priorities are best for our lives.

We should examine our hearts honestly: Are we postponing having children out of wisdom or out of fear? Are we holding back because of responsible stewardship or because we want control? Have we truly sought God for His direction or have we simply assumed our plans are best?

Children will cost something. They stretch our time, our finances, and our emotional capacity. But they also shape us in ways few other things can – teaching us sacrifice, patience, humility, and deeper dependence on God.

The Christian life is not about fitting God into the plans we’ve already made. It’s about trusting Him enough to let Him shape the life we are living and believing that His ways, even when they disrupt our timeline, are still wise and good.

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