What to Do if You're Caught Masturbating

There are a few firsts that every guy remembers: His first erection, his first time seeing a naked woman, his first time “doing the deed” – and then there’s the one that no man forgets, even though he wishes he could: his first time caught masturbating. Who could forget the famous "getting caught" scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High? We find Judge Reinhold in the bathroom taking care of business, only to have his private time interrupted by the girl of his fantasies, Phoebe Cates. “Doesn’t anyone knock anymore?” This iconic scene spoke to men everywhere, and not because of that red bikini. No, it’s memorable because it captured every man’s worst nightmare: getting caught with his pants down. If this has happened to you, you’re not alone. Studies have shown that over 41% of people have been caught in the act. I could get into some preventative measures (like locking the door, HELLO?!) but as we all know, bad timing happens. RELATED: How Do I Take a Good Dick Pic? So if you do get caught, here are my three tips to help you tackle this awkward situation like a pro, in the moment, immediately after, and most importantly, dealing with the aftermath. One major caveat: these tips apply to you getting caught in the privacy of your own home by your partner, not in an office or public place by a complete stranger, which could involve much greater personal, professional and even legal consequences.   In the Moment: Don’t Be Ashamed If someone barges into your solo session, your fear level escalates to a DEFCON 1. Your eyes often closed, you’re over-exposed — maybe holding a masturbation toy — and don’t get me started on the facial expressions. So what to do if you’re in the heat of the moment when you get an unexpected audience? It’s completely acceptable to be alarmed. You may jump up, scream, dive into the nearest dark hole — and that’s okay. Once you recover from your initial reaction (to cover up as quickly as humanly possible), don’t go into defensive mode. Getting defensive implies that you were doing something shameful, which you weren’t. You were simply exercising your inherent right to self-love. We all do it; you just got caught, and now it’s time to address the naked elephant in the room. But first, you should probably put on your pants. Immediately After: Don’t Make It Awkward Chances are, while you were going into self-preservation mode, your visitor excused herself and is now contemplating how to proceed. While your first instinct might be to deny, deny, deny (“I was checking for suspicious mole activity!”) or to avoid the person like the plague, it’s better to talk it out immediately. Remember that you control the tone of the conversation — it’s not awkward unless you make it awkward. Masturbation is completely natural, nothing to be embarrassed about. If you’re not embarrassed, then your intruder has no reason to be. If she’s not happy with what she witnessed, you have some talking to do... but not because you necessarily did anything wrong. The Aftermath: It’s Not Her, It’s You – and All Men, Really Depending on the nature of your relationship and her comfort with the situation, you might be able to laugh it off together, even joke about it. You can also explain that you were so turned on thinking about her that you “took the matter into your own hands.” However, if your partner is not as open-minded, does not masturbate regularly, and doesn’t understand why you need to, she might feel confused, alienated or even hurt by your solo activities. She believes all self-diddling should cease once you’re having sex with her exclusively. What many women don’t quite understand yet (but don’t worry, she will) is that masturbation and sex serve entirely different purposes for most men. They are not mutually exclusive activities Tread lightly here guys. Men inherently experience masturbation and sex with their partner as separate actions fulfilling different needs. If she’s upset, confused and hurt, it's because she doesn’t comprehend why you need to masturbate and might even start doubting your relationship. She’ll wonder if the sex isn’t good enough or, worse yet, if she isn't good enough – and it's your job to ensure her that that's not the case. Reassure her that you love the sex life you share and give some specific examples about the things she does that turn you on and how sexy she looks when she’s naked. She’s now in the vulnerable spot and needs to know that you’re not masturbating because you are unsatisfied with her. If she caught you in the act watching porn, this might add another layer of conflict. You’ll have to explain that you don’t prefer the women in porn or any other women over being with her. Some women might even consider pornography consumption a form of cheating, and that will require a longer discussion between the two of you. But if all you were doing was masturbating to your own thoughts and imagination, then you shouldn't feel automatically ashamed about it. Remember, masturbation should not make you feel guilty whether you’re in a relationship or single. Besides, many studies have shown that people who masturbate more have more satisfying sex lives. And sometimes even more sex. So it can’t hurt to toss in this important data as well! Dr. Emily Morse is a sex and relationship expert with degrees in human sexuality and psychology. She runs the popular website sexwithemily.com and is the host of the top downloaded podcast Sex with Emily. You Might Also Dig: Sexy Alternatives to the Dick PickHealth Risks of Chronic MasturbationHow to Respond to a Nude Like a Pro