What Men Need to Know About Sex by 30

Because contemporary sex education is still pretty scattershot, most guys grow up believing all kinds of myths about sex. Things like “you need to have a big penis in order to be good in bed,” or “you make women orgasm via penetration,” which just aren’t true at all. And when you live in a culture with so much sex misinformation floating around, it’s understandable that when you’re younger, you get lots of stuff wrong and you haven’t figured everything out yet. RELATED: Breaking Down the Basics of Sex Education But by the time you turn 30, you’re not a kid anymore — you’re a grown man by pretty much any metric. And from that perspective, if you’re having sex with other people, it’s important that you be able to separate fact from fiction in the bedroom. So, to help you shape up, here’s a list of 10 things every guy should know about sex by the time he enters his 30s. 1. How to Be an Unselfish Lover When people first start having sex, it makes sense that they’ll be a little more selfish — after all, experiencing a new form of pleasure like that can rock your world so much, you barely feel like you have time to think about anything else. RELATED: The Benefits of Being an Unselfish Lover But once you’ve started getting your sexual bearings, it’s important to start becoming a generous lover. Taking time to focus on your partners’ pleasure isn’t just common courtesy — it’s also much more likely to lead to people wanting to sleep with you a second, or third, or fourth time, and so on. In short, brushing up on how to go down on someone, or being open to asking what they like and doing it for them, can go an incredibly long way. 2. Sexual Anatomy Basics You’re not expected to be an expert on every single facet of the human body. But having sex in your 30s without a knowledge of the basics when it comes to the sexual anatomy of your partners, whether that’s people with penises, people with vaginas, or both, is not a good thing. Knowing things like where the clitoris and G-spot are, how to hit a guy’s P-spot, the difference between how to touch circumcised penises and uncircumcised ones — these things are useful assets when it comes to being good in bed. RELATED: The Best Sex Techniques for Uncircumcised Men If you just don’t by the time you’re 30, anyone going to bed with you is likely to be both disappointed and confused — and it’ll make any conversations about how to pleasure them a fair amount more difficult. 3. The Basics of Sexual Consent Unfortunately, while some aspects of sexual consent are incredibly easy to grasp; others seem to be much more nuanced and tricky, as evidenced by the fact that significant number of negative sexual interactions stem not from intentional cruelty or violence, but from one person (most often a guy, unfortunately) not paying close attention to the other person’s discomfort. Prioritizing checking in, asking if what you’re doing is enjoyable for the other person, and generally being aware of the possibility that you could be causing them distress, even if that’s not your intent, and they’re not being vocal about it — these are crucial things to understand for any guy having sex with people, especially someone you haven’t hooked up with before. RELATED: 6 Things That Don’t Constitute Consent But by the time you reach your 30s, this kind of stuff is an absolute must, particularly if you’re sleeping with someone who’s significantly younger than you and might feel daunted by the prospect of stopping or correcting you. 4. How Frequently They Should Be Getting Tested The right STI testing frequency for you largely depends on how many different people you’re sleeping with, as well as things like the kind of sex you’re having, and how often you’re having it. It’s not a huge focus if you and a partner have been monogamous together for a long time — though cheating partners can contract STIs too. RELATED: What You Need to Know About Preventing STIs But if you’re hooking up with multiple partners, it’s frankly irresponsible not to be getting tested multiple times a year, possibly even every other month, and generally, at least once a year is good practice. 5. What Turns Them On (and Off) While many guys do find things like the most common male sexual fantasies hot, no one is into the exact same set of kinks as any other person, so no partner can confidently get you off without you talking to them a bit about what you like. However, you can’t really have that conversation if you don’t know. RELATED: The Most Common Kinks & Fetishes That Turn People On Having sex that’s a fun and rewarding experience for all parties involved is so much easier when you have a pretty good sense of what turns you on and turns you off, so it’s a good idea to spend some time in your 20s (if you haven’t already) exploring what you do and don’t like. Watching different kinds of porn or reading different kinds of erotica, filling out a Yes/No/Maybe list or a kink quiz — these kinds of things can help give you a much clearer picture of your sexual self. 6. How to Talk About Sex With a Partner It’s no surprise that most people feel a little bit awkward when it comes to talking about sex with a partner. For one, it’s a very personal, and unfortunately, much stigmatized topic. For two, it’s not something that we have useful models for. Most sex ed does not teach people how to talk about sex with partners, and movies, TV shows, and porn rarely model how to have normal and productive discussions on the subject. RELATED: Why Porn Is a Terrible Form of Sex Education Rather, the action just seems to unfold as if the characters can read each other‘s minds — when in real life, the truth is anything but. Getting comfortable talking to a partner about sex — whether it’s the love of your life or someone you’re having a one-night stand with — is one of the biggest keys when it comes to having better sex. 7. How to Deal With a Pregnancy or STI Scare One thing that contemporary sex ed is pretty darn good at teaching young people is that sex can have negative consequences. However, rarely is this reality followed up with robust instructions on what to do should these negative outcomes come to pass. But being able to respond in a calm, non-judgmental and solution-oriented way to an STI or pregnancy scare is an important skill when it comes to your sex life. The person (or people) you slept with will be incredibly grateful for your ability to navigate these potentially stressful situations with grace and skill if you can accompany them to get the morning-after pill, or communicate that you’ve tested positive for something in a polite and timely manner. RELATED: How to Tell a Partner You Have a Sexually Transmitted Infection Simply being able to keep a level head and be present — rather than shutting down from fear, guilt or shame — is a skill that every sexually active man in his 30s should have. 8. What Their Sexual Needs Are It’s not a fun reality, but many otherwise promising relationships ultimately fall apart when the people involved have irreconcilable sexual differences. If one person has an incredibly intense sex drive, and the other is on the asexual spectrum; or if one person is very vanilla, and the other is a committed kinkster; a monogamous romantic partnership may simply not be a viable option for the long-term. RELATED: How to Talk About Your Unsatisfying Sex Life If, by the time you’re 30, you understand enough about what you need in bed to be clear on what you can make do with, you can save yourself a lot of trouble, and possibly wasted years of your life, by pursuing relationships only with people who are willing and able to live up to your sexual needs. 9. When to Say No The idea that men are supposed to be sexual creatures — almost to the point of being hypersexual — is a prevalent one. After all, our culture makes fun of male virgins and is confused by asexual people, yet lauds guys who “score.” So, in the midst of all these cultural associations between masculinity and sexual prowess, it can be hard to recognize when sex is something you should say no to. Whether it’s because it’s a bad idea — like cheating, hooking up with an ex, or fooling around with the partner of a friend — or because it’s something you yourself don’t actually really want, learning how, when, and why to say no is an incredible skill that can save you a lot of trouble in the long run. 10. How to Use a Few Different Sex Toys There’s a long-standing tradition of valid pushback against technological innovations that will only put people out of jobs. However, hating on sex toys is not that — and the sooner you get comfortable using them on a partner, the better your sex life together will be. It makes sense to find sex toys, a little confusing at first, but like any other high-tech gadget, a little bit of practice using one can go a long way, and knowing how to add a toy to the mix in bed can separate you from the pack as a gifted and resourceful lover worth texting for a follow-up hookup. 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