Uncomfortable Conversations in the Church: How should churches respond to divorce and remarriage?

Anger, hurt and resentment. Anxiety over the future. Shame and social stigma.

The break-up of a marriage is not only painful but also messy, exacting a heavy toll on spouses and children.

In Part Two of this series on divorce, we speak with Pastors who have seen the impact of divorce on families.

How can the Church journey with those who are thinking of divorce and those who are healing from a broken marriage? In addition, what does the Bible say about remarriage?

Sharing their views are:

• Rev Wilfred Leow, Pastor-in-Charge, Paya Lebar Chinese Methodist Church. Other than being a licensed wedding solemniser, he also conducts marriage preparation classes and mentors married couples.
• Pastor Jeremy Choy, City Harvest Church. A trained counsellor, he also oversees the CityFamilies committee, which champions family life in the church.
• Rev Jenni Ho-Huan. Raised and ordained in the Presbyterian Church, Ps Jenni’s passions include spiritual formation, family life and women’s ministry.
• Rev Joey Chen, Pastor, Paya Lebar Methodist Church. She looks after the Family Life, Youth and Young Adult ministries.

1. From your experience, how have you seen divorce impacting families?

Ps Jeremy: Regardless of the reasons behind the divorce, I have observed the emotional and relational strain that both husband and wife experience during the process and afterwards. There is often anger, resentment or bitterness, especially if there has been betrayal, abuse or abandonment.

Apart from the relational tension, many spouses face the anxiety of an uncertain future when they have to raise children, support themselves or face solitude. They also feel shame when meeting their extended family and even spiritual family.

The emotional and relational struggles also often affect the children, if any. Many young children who cannot understand or process these issues often experience confusion and even blame themselves. They may also witness tension and violence in the home, leading them to silently endure anxiety, fear and shame. 

Even for older children, their relationship with one parent (possibly the offending spouse) can deteriorate as they become more aware of what has happened. It also affects their sense of identity and overall mental health.

Children undergo significant transitions, such as adapting to new homes, routines and stepfamilies. 

Ps Joey: I’ve seen children who feel caught in the middle: They love their mothers and their fathers, but feel like they need to be loyal to one or the other.

I’ve also seen how it can shake the faith of the next generation in the goodness and sanctity of marriage. I know of a few young adults from Christian homes who have never dated, remained unmarried or have chosen cohabitation over marriage.

A young adult I know also struggles with self-worth and anxiety as a result of her parents’ divorce.

2. As a Church, what does it look like to balance truth and grace when trying to help someone who is thinking of divorce?

Ps Jenni: When marriages fail, God’s heart is grieved because He presided over the wedding and personally received the vows exchanged. After all, marriage is a picture of the Kingdom because the original alienation between God and human, man and woman, is being restored. 

What is the truth? That we need to own our brokenness and see our marriage as a context for healing and maturation. This is what we must hold out and urge towards. 

What is the grace? That God Himself supports, guides, comforts and heals us in this journey, and asks the people of God to rally around each other in this spirit and in practical ways.

Instead of simply telling people God hates divorce, we need to unpack it more. Those who are struggling and thinking along these lines need a safe space to share fully, to be heard and held, and to be helped to grow in their beliefs and convictions.

The Church must also be prepared to go beyond moralising to offer practical support. It is hard to process and think clearly when one is mired in pain and still has to deal with the responsibilities of holding a family together.

For example, fellow brothers and sisters can step in with childcare support or other practical help, and/or financial support for counselling or therapy. This needs to go hand in hand with spiritual guidance. It always takes a village.

Ps Jeremy: Each case is unique in its context, and demands a tailored and personalised approach.

Practical and emotional support should be given to the offended or vulnerable party and children. Aim to understand each spouse as much as possible through attentive listening, empathy and validation, while lovingly revealing the truth to them. At all times, seek to reflect God’s heart and His love. 

The ultimate goal is not just “saving the marriage”, but also guiding both spouses towards a deeper relationship with God, greater self-awareness and a better understanding of each other.

Ps Joey: This is a real person with real struggles. Be more interested in helping them to walk right with God than correcting their behaviour. It’s a subtle difference, but one comes from a place of love and the other doesn’t.

Listen to them before you give them Bible verses. Deal with the emotions: Hold space for them and let them pour out their raw feelings without judgement. Be that safe space for them to talk about their struggles.

Don’t be too quick to correct them, but don’t be afraid at the end of the day to lovingly point them back to God’s design for marriage and God’s grace for them in their difficulties. Be the channel of God’s grace by supporting them through their struggles.

3. What about those who are already divorced? What would you say to those who may be struggling with guilt and shame, or even those who may be wondering whether to reconcile?

Ps Wilfred: No one desires a divorce if it can be helped. Sometimes, even though we have tried our best to save the marriage, divorce can still happen.

If your spouse has been unfaithful or has deserted the family, the betrayal and pain may be too much to bear. So, although it may be ideal to suffer, stay strong and press on in the marriage, it is in reality, emotionally or realistically impossible. At such moments, divorce is permissible and there is no shame to do so.

So, if you have made this choice, start afresh and begin a new chapter in your life. Leave the past, guilt and shame behind. But down the road, if your spouse has repented or changed, and asks to be reconciled, you may want to remain open to this opportunity.

And if you find it possible, you may want to follow God’s example of forgiving the sinner. Though you may be bearing the pain and suffering because of the actions of another, you still choose forgiveness, following the example of our Lord who forgave us out of his mercy.

Ps Joey: If it is possible to undo past mistakes, we should try our best to do so. But if it is impossible to undo them (eg, the ex-spouse is unwilling to reconcile or has already remarried), it is unhelpful to our soul to keep beating ourselves up over something we cannot do anything about.

I think about the Samaritan woman at the well whom Jesus spoke to. She was the first non-Jew He revealed His identity to. Despite her chequered past, Jesus reached out to her with the offer of living water. I believe God loves us the same despite our past mistakes.

What matters is that we respond to God’s love with faithfulness to God, and that we endeavour – with the power of the Holy Spirit – to walk with God the rest of our lives. Surrender your past mistakes to God and let Him “work all things for good”.

Ps Jeremy: These passages always minister to me – Isaiah 43:18-19, Joel 2:24-26, 2 Corinthians 5:17 – and I believe they can be an encouragement to those who are struggling with guilt and shame because of their past.

As long as you are repentant and willing to change, God will help you in your future. There is no condemnation in Christ (Romans 8:1). You may need to undergo a period of counselling and healing, and God can restore you.

4. From your understanding of the Bible, is remarriage only okay if they come after any of the two conditions when divorce is mentioned as a concession, ie sexual immorality (Matthew 19:7-9) and desertion by unbelieving spouse (1 Corinthians 7:12-16)?

Ps Wilfred: While there are grounds for Christian remarriage if the reason for the divorce is on biblical grounds and the person marrying is not the one who breaks the covenant, there doesn’t seem to be any allowance on any other grounds.

Matthew 19:3-9 tells us that remarriage is adultery if the reason for the divorce wasn’t due to biblical grounds. The rationale is this: Marriage is forever till death do us part. If the other party breaks this covenant, one is free to divorce and remarry.

Even if a divorce is legal, one can consider the previous marriage to still be spiritually valid. This is the reason why one can’t remarry on Christian grounds, although one can get remarried legally.

Ps Jenni: The Bible has both a high and realistic view of marriage, which is why it discourages remarriage. When questioned about divorce, Jesus accurately points to the core issue: The state of our hearts (Matthew 19:8-9).

This is why the traditional worship liturgy warns marriage is not to be “entered into unadvisedly or lightly”, and considers a marriage dissolved only upon the death of a spouse.

However, culturally and economically, marriage is often a romantic and pragmatic arrangement. This is why remarriage is attractive and maybe needful.

The reality is that studies have shown that divorcees often struggle to build a new marriage. The wounds and scars of divorce go deep and don’t heal automatically.

It is also good to remember that Jesus’ words on marriage includes a high view of the estate of singleness (Matthew 19:11-12).

In the cases of remarriage, it is not uncommon for the church to need to first introduce some safeguards such as healing, reconciling with one’s past failures and setting up a concrete plan for the future. Where there are children involved, the preparation, care and arrangements for a secure home life are also important to investigate.

Pastors must be clear-eyed about what is going on and embark on a restoration process with the individual or couple, especially where children are involved – they do not deserve another round of deep hurt.

Ps Jeremy: When there are biblical grounds for divorce, remarriage is permitted. In our church, we also believe that remarriage is permitted for these other reasons, namely:

• When a spouse has died
• When the marriage was not consummated and is subsequently annulled
• When a person was already divorced before coming to Christ. (In such a case, mandatory premarital classes and/or counselling sessions will be needed to ensure one is ready for the next season of marriage.)

We also believe in God’s power to heal. Sometimes, when someone has gone through a divorce sinfully (ie, without biblical grounds) but has since demonstrated true repentance and contrition, we still marry them.

These remarriages are assessed on a case-by-case basis, and all couples must attend mandatory premarital classes and/or counselling sessions with pastoral staff to ensure they are prepared for marriage. These instances are exceptional and not the norm. 

Ps Joey: Sexual immorality and desertion by one’s spouse are typically what would be considered legitimate grounds for divorce. In those cases, remarriage is considered acceptable. 

For other situations, it will have to depend on the specifics. There are situations where remarriage would be okay and situations where I would advise the person to ask God for the grace to remain faithful to Him.

Remarriage, according to the Scriptures, is only allowed on very limited basis. Matthew 5:31-32 speaks to how God sees the marriage as a covenant that isn’t meant to be broken. 

Another passage, 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 says that it is better to be married than to burn with passion, but it refers to those who have never been married and to widows. It is interesting that widows are mentioned here – death dissolves the marriage covenant.

In practice, it’s a lot more complicated because we are dealing with real people and complex circumstances. Many churches will not conduct a marriage service for divorcees who are seeking remarriage but will still welcome those who are legally remarried to be part of our community.

I know that there are many divorcees who hope to be remarried. I especially sympathise with those who were victims of an abusive marriage, those who were married too young and/or under pressure, and those whose former spouses had destructive addictions.

Like most Pastors, I would advise divorcees on a case-to-case basis as part of their discipleship journey. But regardless of the circumstances, whether one is never married, divorced or widowed, I’d encourage one to pursue faithfulness to God, and then seek marriage, remarriage or celibacy out of faithfulness to God. 

Ultimately, the most important and fulfilling relationship we can ever have is an intimate relationship with God. If seeking holiness for the sake of God means taking up the cross of singleness, God will be gracious: In exchange He will give us Himself, which is far more wonderful than anything the world can give.

For more insights on this issue, you can also read Part One on Uncomfortable Conversations in the Church: What does the Bible say about divorce.

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