“To grieve is to love”: A pastor’s reflection after losing his best friend

“I’m still dealing with the loss of my best friend,” Pastor Victor Wong admits.

On April 6, the Senior Pastor of Every Nation Church Malaysia, Pastor Timothy Loh, passed away suddenly. He was 57.

Pastor Tim, as he was fondly known, had been having dinner with church leaders after preaching at Generations Church when he collapsed.

Three doctors on the scene performed cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) on him all the way to the emergency room, but Pastor Tim never regained his heart function or his consciousness.

The loss of a dear friend

His passing was a blow to the Malaysian Church. Before his death, he was overseeing 14 Every Nation churches in Malaysia.

He freely gave of his time, talents and wisdom to and beyond Every Nation, and believed that the most effective form of ministry was through building genuine, authentic relationships, said Pastor Victor, a pastor at Every Nation Church.

He had a God-given ability to love people in a personal and meaningful way. “By 8am on a normal morning, he would have messaged 30 people to follow up with them!” Pastor Victor recalled with a smile.

More than his love for his flock, Pastor Tim was known for his love for God and his family. He leaves behind his wife, Teresa, and four children: Joel, Joash, Jayden and Joanna.

For those closest to Pastor Tim, the ache of his absence is raw.

Yet, God continues to be present. And His presence, revealed Pastor Victor, allows him to find comfort in seemingly unbearable grief.

“My relationship with God continues to carry me through,” he said.

God gives us the space to ask ‘why’

In the first two days after Pastor Tim’s passing, Pastor Victor felt angry.

“I wasn’t angry at Tim, but I was angry at God. The whys were flooding in. As a pastor, I had to be calm and collected for the many who were struggling themselves, but inside I was so angry,” he shared quietly.

A band of brothers: Pastor Victor (left) and Pastor Tim (right) with Pastor Sam Surendran (second from left), Senior Pastor of Excel Point Community Church, and their mentor, Pastor Dr Philip Lyn, Senior Pastor of Skyline SIB.

In the midst of his anger and frustration, however, Pastor Victor felt a deep reassurance that God understood his emotions. More importantly, he sensed that God did not condemn him – or anyone – for feeling this way.

“I’m not angry with God now, but it was a struggle. What was also helpful was that I was able to ask all of my questions, even though I knew He would not answer some,” he said.

“And that’s okay, I can accept living with the mystery. The comfort was being able to ask.”

God gives us time to mourn

Pastor Victor first met Pastor Tim in 1996 at a youth pastors’ gathering. They became fast friends, and 28 years flew by in a blink.

A friendship tried and true: The late Pastor Timothy Loh (left) and Pastor Victor Wong in the 1990s as budding youth pastors with a heart for Jesus.

The two pastors were so close that Pastor Tim named Pastor Victor and his wife, Kelly, as the legal guardians of his four children should he and Teresa pass away before his children turned 18.

“The word is chemistry,” said Pastor Victor, describing their friendship. “He was my close buddy, a soulmate. We had our disagreements, but he was my sparring partner. Our wives also got along well and we would travel together.”

Pastor Tim (right) and Pastor Victor with their wives, Teresa (far left) and Kelly.

The day after Pastor Tim passed away, Pastor Victor sobbed in the car all the way to church and fell to his knees in tears through two wake services.

“The stage where his coffin rested was the same stage where I had organised my own living funeral in 2017,” said Pastor Victor.

(A living funeral is a celebration where an individual is honoured and celebrated by family and friends while he/she is still alive, allowing them to witness the love others have for them.)

“He gave the ‘eulogy’ at my ‘funeral’, and I gave a eulogy at his. It was all too familiar, but I felt God’s presence throughout,” he said.

In 2017, Pastor Tim gave the ‘eulogy’ at Pastor Victor’s living funeral (top photo). Seven years later, Pastor Victor did the same for his best friend’s funeral.

In his pain, Pastor Victor held onto the Lord and did not suppress his grief. “I cried a lot. I talked about it and spent time processing it with my wife,” he said simply.

After weeks of mourning, he felt a voice say: “Son, are you ready to move forward?”

It was the gentle voice of a Heavenly Father, who understands our need to mourn and then gives us the strength to move on.

God turns our grief into growth

“To grieve is to love – it’s to feel, heal and discover,” Pastor Victor said in a sermon he preached a week after Pastor Tim’s passing.

The loss is still fresh and he continues to grieve alongside Pastor Tim’s family and those who knew him.

“One thing I’ve learned is how important it is to listen to a person’s grief, in whatever form it takes. That’s the first act of love,” he reflected.

As he struggled to find words to comfort Teresa and her children, God showed him that just being present and listening was enough.

(From left to right) Pastor Sam Surendran , Senior Pastor of Excel Point Community Church, Pastor Dr Philip Lyn, Senior Pastor of Skyline SIB, and Pastor Victor at the funeral service of Pastor Tim on April 10 at Every Nation Church Malaysia.

He has also been greatly encouraged by how Pastor Tim’s life and death continue to be used by the Lord.

Throughout the wake and funeral services, as Pastor Victor stood by the coffin and greeted visitors, many shared a newfound conviction to love Jesus more wholeheartedly, turn away from evil and obey God’s direction.

These encounters reminded him of Jesus’ words in John 12:24-26.

Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honour the one who serves me.

“My best friend probably achieved a lot more in his death than in his entire life. Indeed, a single seed has produced many seeds,” he said.

God is with us in our grief

Pastor Victor still grieves the loss of Pastor Tim.

“Now, where do I go from here? It feels as though I’ve lost my left hand, my sparring partner. But life goes on,” he said soberly.

With some mutual friends, he is determined to embrace the time on earth that God has given to him. They speak of death and departure more freely, with a desire to live more wisely.

“Dietrich Bonhoeffer once spoke about grief, that God does not fill the emptiness of the loss of someone dear to us but leaves it precisely unfilled,” he quoted.

“The pain is meant to be there, to draw us closer to the Lord. We know God is with us. So, (we can) go on living.”

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