The Wedding Is Close, but 5 Reasons Are Making Me Want to Pull Back

I met Amoako when I was in the US doing my master’s. No, we didn’t meet in the US. I needed something urgently in Ghana and a friend recommended him to me. He was a great help and through that we became good friends who talked on the phone every day. On the video call he was nice and sweet. He cared about me and it felt genuine. So when I realized I was falling in love with him, I called that friend who linked us and asked, “Is he a good man?” She responded, “I know him as a great guy but I don’t know who he would be in a relationship.”

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What’s love without some risk, so I decided to give it a try when the time was right. Just when I was about to move to Ghana, he proposed to me. I was very happy for two reasons: that he proposed and the fact that I was on my way to Ghana. I said yes immediately and a couple of months later, I was in Ghana.

He was at the airport waiting for me. He drove me home and that very day, I introduced him to my parents as a boyfriend I met while away. They all embraced him and even advised us on ways to love and keep the relationship going. I’ve been in Ghana for over a year and the relationship had grown to a stage where the next step is marriage.

He hinted at a knocking rite this year and a wedding in the middle of the year, but I can’t help but notice a few things that are waving in my face like a victory flag—except this is not that kind of flag, but a red flag.

Five things…

#1. I get cramps when it’s the time of the month. Nothing I do helps. Painkillers bow before my cramp and medicines that have helped others look at my situation and take to their heels. What helps is a bottle of warm water placed below my abdomen. Many times Amoako has been here when I was going through this severe pain, but he refused to help. Even when I asked him to boil water and put it in a bottle for me he said, “Tell me you want pampering and stop acting like your menses is killing you. Are you the only woman on earth who experiences menses?” He wouldn’t do it. Even when I tell him I’m in pain, he treats it as something normal and even goes ahead to ask me to do stuff for him. Could this be love?

#2. He came home to meet me moody. My mom had said something to hurt my feelings and I was dying to pour it out, but he saw my face, entered the room, and didn’t ask any questions. I acted moody around him all day but he didn’t ask a single question. I could have been angry with him or something he did, but he didn’t bother to ask what was wrong with me. That brought my mind to something I’d ignored in our relationship since it started. He had never asked me how my day was, though I ask him every evening. Am I going to live the rest of my life with a man who doesn’t care about what I’m going through?

#3. He came to visit and saw me in bed. He said, “You’re still in bed at this time of the day? You’re lazy ooo.” I’m never a lazy woman, especially on weekends. I’m more than a machine. I told him, “I woke up with a severe headache and body pains so I’m relaxing for a while.” He went to the fridge and started opening bowls. When he saw the stew he said, “Get up and put some rice on fire for me.” This is a man I told a few minutes ago that I was not feeling well. I didn’t get up. He called me lazy and said I was over exaggerating. “You’re in so much pain you can’t cook rice?” That was his question.

#4. This happened not long ago. I’m still hurting and it’s the last straw that’s breaking the camel’s back. He spent the night at my place and wanted sex, but I had to stay up all night to prepare for an interview the next morning. This was an interview I’d talked about all week because it was so important to me. It would change my career and bring many good things into my life, including a huge salary and off-the-roof benefits. I told him I wasn’t in the mood to give him what he wanted. He asked what I was doing and I told him. He said, “All you care about is work. What about my feelings?” I still didn’t do it. He woke up the next morning wearing a frown, but I was too busy to notice. He was angry I didn’t give him sex.

#5. I went for the interview and this guy to date hasn’t asked me how the interview went. Whether I did well or fluffed my lines. This is the most important step I’ve taken in my career, and he doesn’t care to know how well or bad I did. I expect a loving boyfriend to ask, “Babe, how did it go?” so I could rant my joy or disappointment to him. I expect a loving boyfriend to ask, “So what’s the next step forward?” But the boyfriend I have only cares about himself and wants sex whenever and wherever.

Since we started dating, all I’ve done is love him—love him so much that I made excuses for him. When he said he would call and didn’t call, I made excuses for him. When he’s angry about something I did wrong and doesn’t talk to me for days, I make excuses for him because he’s the man I love and want to spend my future with. I’ve allowed love to cloud my judgment until recently, when I started looking at him in a whole new light.

Marriage Through the Eyes of Millennials and Gen-Z

I know how I want my life. I know the kind of partner I want in my life—not the partner I love but wouldn’t love me back with the same intensity. So I’ve started developing cold feet and asking myself if this is what I want in my home. Definitely no, or I’m overthinking this?

—Melody

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