I’m About to Marry the Perfect Woman but My Heart Isn’t In It

My girlfriend, Alice, is by all standards the kind of woman a man dreams of when he imagines a good wife. She is fair, cute, and truly beautiful. Alice has a brilliant sense of style, always knowing the latest in fashion, which is how she earned the nickname I gave her, “the perfect wife.” She is full of surprises, constantly doing extraordinary things that amaze you, especially for her age. Her mind is filled with wisdom and good ideas, and she speaks with a grace you would expect from someone much older, like the Proverbs 31 woman. In fact, you could say she is one.

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She is amazingly intelligent. And even more, she cooks wonderfully, is never lazy, and is always ready to do anything to make me happy. She is hardworking, preferring to earn her own money rather than depend on anyone. Yet she is incredibly supportive, so much so that she would give me whatever she has if I needed it urgently. Sometimes her generosity is so great that others take advantage until she senses the danger and quietly steps back.

With all of this, it should be easy to love her and to marry her without a second thought, right? Any man would be in a hurry to make her his. But here is the sad thing. I only pretend to love her. And she has bought that lie so completely that she looks at me with stars in her eyes. I act it so well she hardly notices. I am a very good actor. I play the part of a man in love. I call her often, I initiate all the sweet things, I say the right words.

I have a fair idea why I am playing this game. It might trace back to my first heartbreak as a teenager. Maybe I have not healed as much as I told myself, because I have seen how it has tainted every relationship since. Sadly, Alice is just another victim. I have even tried to force myself to feel something. I have tried to like everything she does, I have read about love, I have prayed over it, but still, nothing. Not an iota of real feeling.

I have faked love for too long. I want to love again, but my heart seems locked, unable to welcome the pure love offered by women I meet, even the good ones. It makes me feel like crying. I would not wish this emptiness on my own sister.

Alice does not deserve this. She deserves my whole heart. I feel ashamed when she tells me she loves me and I say it back, even during our most intimate moments, knowing very well my heart does not beat for her. Fortunately, she does not suspect a thing.

Marriage Through the Eyes of Millennials and Gen-Z

We have plans to marry this year. How do I get out of this dilemma? How do I find even a speck of genuine love for her? I do not want to lose this good woman. But should I just keep acting?

—Israel

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