The Shadows Of My Past Are Haunting My Marriage

I met my wife in London when we were both young and full of dreams. Looking back now, I can admit I wasn’t the man I should have been. Between 2004 and 2008, I was reckless, selfish, and unfaithful. The things I did in the name of pleasure were shameful. At the time, I didn’t fully understand the damage I was causing with my womanising ways but today, it’s affecting my marriage terribly.

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At some point, we both moved from London. I went to Ghana while she relocated to the United States. In Ghana, my associations didn’t help. I had friends who were into that lifestyle. The women I met also didn’t care that I was married. It was the right environment for my promiscuity. I took advantage of the opportunities that came my way.

Then in 2024, I joined her in the U.S. It changed everything. I realised the errors of my ways. I saw for myself the pain I’d caused my family, and the love I had taken for granted. That was my turning point.

I gave up my lifestyle and chose to focus on my family. I cut off all my side pieces. These days, I live with complete transparency. I have no passwords on my phone, something that used to be a constant source of suspicion.

I used to think being a good husband meant providing a home, a car, and money for good schools. Now, I have learned that I have been wrong all along. I am present these days. I show up for my family physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I have completely turned over a new leaf and it’s working. My kids who were detached from me now talk to me. They play with me. My 12-year-old son confides in me — something he never did before. In these moments, I feel the grace of redemption.

However, just when I thought I was rebuilding trust between me and my wife, I made what I now call a destructive mistake. I reconnected with a former university girlfriend from Ghana, who is also married and living in the States.

It was an innocent conversation. I was seeking advice about a process she had gone through. After that, she started asking questions about research, something I am good at. And I helped her. Back when we were a couple, we were never intimate. So there was absolutely nothing to rekindle.

My wife went through my messages and the fact that I was talking to someone from my past didn’t sit well with her. She brought up issues from ages ago, 2007 thereabouts. Despite my honesty and the harmless nature of the chat, she believes I haven’t changed. She says she doesn’t want me anymore.

We are still in the marriage but according to her, “You are who you are. You will never change.” I’ve apologised over and over, but her heart is closed.

In the past, I would have taken this as a cue to run back to other women and find comfort in the very sin that broke us. That’s not who I am anymore. Since July 2025, she hasn’t allowed me to touch her. I got tired of asking for it and stopped asking.

I tell myself that if Catholic priests can live without sex, then so can I. My body can wait; what I crave now is peace.

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What hurts the most is that now, when I have finally changed. So I ask, am I wrong to withdraw quietly, to focus on being the best father I can be, and to support her and our children in every way I can, without trying to make her believe me?

Honestly, the things she does now (the nagging, the coldness, and the inability to see any good in me while everyone else does) are the same things that once pushed me away. I am not saying she is the problem. I understand that she is acting this way because she is angry. On any day, she is a good mother and wife.

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I’ve made a vow to God, to myself, and for the sake of my children, that no other woman will ever see my nakedness again, except perhaps a doctor or nurse.

Since she thinks I haven’t changed, I will let go. I will also be in the marriage even if we don’t have a romantic relationship anymore.

—Raf

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