the person who’s supposed to train me belittles me when I have questions

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

A reader writes:

I’m learning the ropes in a new job, and there are lots of things that are very difficult to figure out by yourself. That’s expected though, and I am supposed to ask Lawrence for help. Lawrence has been with the company for several years now, but we hold the same job title and are on the same hierarchical level.

Lawrence sucks at explaining things. During 10 minutes, he will waterfall off 30 separate complex items, without break, even after I said to slow down and back up a few steps, to make sure I can take notes and actually understand them.

Additionally, he makes condescending comments throughout. Here are some examples:
– “Why are you asking me this?”
– “I thought you said you were competent?”
– “I already mentioned this to you once before.”
– “Why can’t you figure this out yourself?”

Then he ends with, “Don’t forget to come back if you need any help!” … and then begins the next time with, “Why are you asking me for help on this? Can’t you figure this out yourself?”

I am not the only one experiencing this. Two others started at the same time as me, with the same knowledge level, and have confirmed to me they have similar hurdles in learning how things work.

I feel awful, and I do not want to interact with Lawrence. I need this job (the market is really difficult at the moment) and am really afraid of antagonizing one of the most senior people in this project.

How can I tell Lawrence to be more considerate when communicating? I would love to ask my direct boss for feedback, but it is impossible to schedule a meeting with him so I cannot rely on that option.

You really, really need to find a way to get a few minutes with your boss.

When you say he’s impossible to schedule a meeting with, what does that mean exactly? Most people who are over-scheduled and hard to get time with will still carve out time if you say “I need to talk with you about an urgent issue,” particularly for someone who reports to them. If you don’t like that wording, there’s also, “I know you’re swamped, but I really need 10 minutes with you sometime this week for a problem I’m running into.” Or however you want to say it — but make it clear that this is important and outside of routine day-to-day work stuff. (Also, for what it’s worth, it’s ridiculous for a manager of a new hire to be so inaccessible to you, but that’s a different issue.)

But I say that because this is squarely in boss territory. You need to let him know that Lawrence belittles you when you ask for help. And be specific — repeat the same quotes you used in your letter, because this isn’t Lawrence just acting a little put-upon; this is insulting and borderline abusive.

If for some reason your boss truly isn’t an option, you could try addressing it with Lawrence himself. For example:

Lawrence: “Why are you asking me this?” / “Why can’t you figure this out yourself?”
You: “I was told it’s normal to have questions on this sort of thing while I’m learning it and that you’re the person I should come to. Is that not correct?”

Lawrence: “I already mentioned this to you once before.”
You: “There’s a lot to learn and I’m doing my best to learn it all, but I’m going to have questions as I do.”

Lawrence: “I thought you said you were competent?”
You: “Wow, okay. I was told there’s a large learning curve to this job and it would take some time to master it. Do you have concerns about how I’m doing overall that I should talk to (manager) about?” This may invite further abuse from him, but “I thought you said you were competent” is such a phenomenally shitty thing to say to a colleague that it could make sense to name what he’s hinting at and ask about it point-blank.

You could also consider saying to Lawrence in response to his crappiest moments: “I was told to come to you for help and that it’s normal to have a learning curve in this job. You often seem to think I shouldn’t need any help and you’ve been insulting about my capabilities. If I shouldn’t be coming to you with these questions, is there someone else I should talk with instead?”

But given that Lawrence has proved himself a raging asshole, I’d rather you skip all that and take the whole thing to your boss.