updates: the insecure coworker, an exciting cocktail, and more

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. Training a fragile, insecure coworker has become Too Much

I really appreciated the advice, both from you and the commenters (and the permission to drop the rope that part of me was undoubtedly after). I realized after my letter was published that I’d left out a lot of context about what management looks like where I work. As much as I love my job, I think it’s fair to say that under-management is fairly entrenched across the organization and managerial responsibilities are dispersed among too many people. For instance, Perdita and I each get assigned to about 12 projects per year, each overseen by different people. Then a 13th person who has no oversight over any of those projects compiles our annual performance reviews, Zagat guide style, from feedback submitted by project leaders and peers. A 14th person signs off on vacation requests, a 15th signs off on timesheets, and hirings and firings have to involve a centralized HR department based in a different office two towns over from ours. On top of that, we work in such a notoriously challenging field that I doubt our leadership has much experience managing employees out. Most people who are struggling leave on their own, knowing that all they need to say while job searching is, “Working at Idealistic Gluttons for Punishment ‘R’ Us just wasn’t for me.”

Given these dynamics, it wasn’t practical to have one more conversation with any one manager about Perdita. But I did contribute some feedback to her first performance review where I described the issues I was seeing and encouraged her to reflect on whether she could be happy at this organization, with the understanding that reasonable people can reasonably answer no to that question. (Hearing from the commenters who had managed Perditas out of their own organizations helped me frame that feedback as respectfully as possible.) As far as I know, this didn’t have any impact (see above), but I felt better for having named the problem in writing. Then, a few months ago, I had to come in on a day I had planned to take off in order to finish a project that Perdita punted to me after she froze up. I told her that going forward, she would need to manage her anxiety without involving me. Lo and behold, she didn’t shatter into a thousand tiny pieces, and she has since stopped coming to me for help.

In short, Perdita is still here, and still Perdita-ing. But I don’t hear much from her anymore, and I’m calling that a win!

2. Explaining why I’m leaving when I don’t have another job lined up (#4 at the link)

I took the route of telling my grandboss (the VP) by saying, “I know this may come as a surprise, but I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I am going to take some time off to travel and think about what I want to do next.”

It went slightly off the rails from there. I should mention that my company takes the statement “we are like family” very seriously, and everyone was surprised, and displeased that I was leaving. My grandboss tried to convince me to stay, told me I was making a mistake, and then told me she was upset that I didn’t give her much notice (I gave her six weeks notice, but they prefer 3-6 months notice if you have an inkling you want to leave). A week later, I was pulled into the office by my CFO and was told I should come up with a solution with my grandboss to get more PTO and stay at the company. I told him I didn’t see that as possible given our strict policy and that I had my mind set on taking a year off. After that, my direct boss started going around asking my other coworkers who I was close to, “Did you know she was going to leave? If so, why didn’t you tell us? Your loyalty lies with the company.” This caused a lot of drama and ended with the CFO having to tell my boss that it was inappropriate and that she needed to cease the questioning.

So, it didn’t break off as cleanly as I wanted, but I did take the year off to travel and it was the best year of my entire life. I don’t regret it one bit, and I look back on my year with fondness and extreme joy. Now, I am back, and am pursuing a new career!

Thank you for your advice, and for all the comments giving me support and encouragement!

3. Hiring manager wants to cut out the recruiter (#4 at the link)

Thank you very much for your advice. As I wrote in the comments, the employer had definitely engaged the recruiter. I spoke with the recruiter and she has asked me to continue the process with the company and let her handle it. There are few good recruiters in my field so I am keen to stay on good terms with her.

4. A cocktail

Here’s a super minor update over a year in the making. Back in 2023, there was a question about a coworker getting drunk and punching someone. One comment thread touched on being surprised he got that out of control after only three drinks, and one commenter was asking whether “one drink” might not mean a cocktail with more than “one standard drink” worth of alcohol in it. The example used was that a cocktail might include equal parts Lemonade and Jaegermeister in a beer glass. I joked about trying that, and forgot, until this weekend. So here’s your update on whether Jaeger and Lemonade is a combo that works.

The darker drink is equal parts Jaegermeister and lemonade. It’s quite sweet, and tastes surprisingly like an intense Good & Plenty candy. The first few sips were good, but by the end the licorice was getting too strong. The other drink is a single shot of Jaeger and the rest of the glass lemonade. It’s surprisingly tasty — the earthy licorice cuts back on the sweetness of the lemonade without overwhelming it, with a much fainter version of the Good & Plenty flavor as a gentle after taste. A solid B- mixed drink, it’s not the best ever but I will be having it again.

Hope this is a valuable update contribution, and happy Independence Day!