the crocheted pathogens, the out-of-order bathroom, and other stories to cringe over

Welcome to Mortification Week, our annual celebration of hilarious ways that we and other humans have mortified ourselves at work. We’ll be talking about mortification all week long.

To start us off, here are 15 stories people have shared here (or submitted via email) about work moments they now cringe over.

1. The birthday message

I make handmade mystery games, and a customer told me he was buying one for himself as a birthday present to himself. I thought that was really sweet, and I wanted to do something special for him, so I added some goodies and let him know with a little message that should have said, “Happy Birthday, I hope you enjoy it!”

Instead, it said, “Happy Birthday, I hope you end it!” My mortification knows no bounds.

2. The interview

I was interviewing to be a counselor at a religiously-affiliated summer camp in college. The interviewer had a non-American accent, and between that and not a great phone signal, I heard him ask “Can you describe your face?” and I was like, “Uhmmmmmmm, I guess it’s kind of oval, and I have brown eyes, and … I could send a picture, if that’s easier?”

At which point he clarified that he had asked me to describe my FAITH.

3. The life history

During a job interview many years ago (but not early enough in my working life to justify why I did this), a very kind woman said, “Tell me about yourself!”

I asked where I should begin, and she said, “At the beginning.”

Reader, I told her THE DATE AND TIME OF MY BIRTH, as well as the hospital where I was born, and started to name my elementary school when she recommended that I skip a few decades.

Why did I do this?? I had already had several years of work experience under my belt! I still want to sink into the earth when I think about this.

I did not get the job.

4. The out-of-order bathroom

There were four single occupancy bathrooms on my floor. They were frequently out of order. One fine day, full of optimism and joie de vivre, I walked past two that had “out of order” signs on the door and was happy to find the remaining two did not have signs. I assumed this meant they were safe to use. An assumption I regretted the second I tried to flush and not even a gurgle of water came out. No water to wash my hands. I left the bathroom, preparing to wash my hands and find someone in maintenance to warn them that they needed to find a third “out of order” sign.

I didn’t have to look far-as I opened the bathroom door I was taken aback to find six maintenance workers standing in a confused semicircle around the door. Turns out they had gone to find another sign and equipment to fix this bathroom and were baffled to find the door locked and in use when they returned. Logically I know they should have somehow blocked off the bathroom to use and that I didn’t do anything wrong, but that didn’t stop me from blushing and stammering and trying to explain that I didn’t know it was out of order until it was too late. One of them was going to get the tools he would now need to clean the toilet and asked me if I had gone “number 1 or number 2” so he could grab what he needed. I had to say “number 2” in front of these men and the interested passers-by in the hallway. One of the men walked into the bathroom to assess the situation and shouted back, “It’s okay, boys, it’s only a tiny turd.”

The only good thing about him walking in and shouting that was that his spot in the semicircle of men opened up. I honed in on that spot like a cornered animal and booked it through the gap. The last thing I (and the hall full of witnesses — I swear I have never seen this many people in the hall before or since this incident) heard as I fled the scene was, “Oh, don’t be embarrassed honey, everybody poops!”

For a few weeks after this, I walked to a different building to do my business. It was a long time before I trusted that bathroom again, and to this day, months later, I still do a test flush to make sure everything is working.

5. The rabbit

I used to have to email a rabbi for kosher certification, but for some reason, I’d go on autopilot and add a “t” to the end of rabbi. I’d catch it, edit it, then go on my day. One day I decide to search for “rabbit” in my email to see if I ever missed any, and OMG I had addressed him as “rabbit” so many times. He never said anything, so hopefully he just found me amusing?

6. The judge

I was handling felony arraignments and one of my clients failed to appear. I had no idea where they were or why they might not be in court. The State asked for a warrant for my client. The standard request for the situation.

When the Court asked for my response to the State’s request, my brain completely blue screened.

Now, I’ve been doing this work for a LONG time. I’d been appearing in front of that particular judge on and off for about a decade at that point. I had a script for such a situation, but absolutely none of it came to mind in the moment.

What did come to mind and out of my mouth was, “I don’t know, your Honor. Please be cool?”

As I died inside and worried I might do the same on the outside, the judge smiled gently at me and said, “Counsel, I like to think I’m always cool.” And issued the warrant.

7. The group interview

This was long ago, but as a teenager I participated in a group interview at a trendy clothing store. At the end of the interview, we were told to go out on the floor, pick out an outfit, and try to sell it to the manager interviewing us.

The manager emphasized we should do this task quickly. Looking back, that was probably to limit disruption in the store. But I saw it as a speed race. I flew out the door of the back room and ran through the racks, grabbing clothes and attempting to slow down my competition. I left stacks of clothes a mess and tried to block access to racks. At one point I even muscled an actual customer out of my way. After what I was sure was a record-setting amount of time, I breathlessly presented my outfit, explaining that if the clothes were ugly (I specifically remember using the word “ugly”) I could get them different clothes before anyone else had even come back with their first ones. The manager was horrified and I was informed I would NOT be getting that job. Looking back, I have no idea what got into me and I feel terrible for making even more work for the people who had to clean up after my spree!

8. The response

I was asked how I would deal with a difficult or rude customer and believe I answered something along the lines of, “I can give as good as I get.” I was 19 or 20 years old, a bit burned from several years of retail and fast food and … did not get the job.

9. The vet tech

I work at a veterinary clinic. Last winter, a male technician colleague went into an exam room with a female client to take a history. While they talked, he was doing what any good vet tech does: buttering up the patient, a small, somewhat fluffy black dog, with lots of petting. Unfortunately, more than five minutes into the conversation, he realized that the client was wearing black furry gloves, and he was lovingly stroking one of her hands. Rather than trying to joke the awkwardness away, he panicked, cut the conversation short, and left the room. The rest of the visit proceeded as normal. The client did not ask about the weirdo who kept stroking her hand. I’m not sure that she wanted to know.

10. The crocheted pathogens

In my defense, I was fresh out of college and had no useful “career center” support.

I was applying for a job I really, really wanted (and honestly would still enjoy) for an infectious disease research group. I wanted to stand out as an applicant!

So I crocheted giant fuzzy versions of several of the pathogens they were working on and mailed them with my resume. (I had done a whole art display in college of crocheted diseases, and I still have most of them as decorations.)

And then, when I didn’t hear anything back, I actually went to their office and checked with the receptionist to see if they’d gotten my envelope. She said she wasn’t sure and I left.

What was I thinking?!

11. The comeback

My boss made a witty comment and I shot back without thinking, “Touché douché” (it rhymed, okay?). He laughed, took two steps away from my desk, then walked back and asked, “Do you know what you just said?” By then I did. My face was on fire.

12. The unmute

September 2020, the ultimate “accidental unmuted” nightmare. I had a quarterly one-on-one with my boss back-to-back with a departmental training session. One-on-one finished five minutes early so I signed on to the training session meeting. I thought I had pressed the mute button … except I in fact had UNmuted myself, turned my back to the computer (thus missing all the desperate texts asking me to mute myself), and preceded to animatedly recount the entire check-in to my partner. Highlights included my going on a whole tirade about how “obviously I deserve this promotion” (my boss had promised it might actually happen after they’d been promising it to me for three years), good-naturedly making fun of a friend coworker, and shit-talking the hell out of my nemesis coworker until I finally realized what had happened.

I missed the entire training session because I spent a half an hour with my face buried in a couch pillow wailing in embarrassment and anguish. Thank god only about five other people had also logged on early and heard it; my friend coworker who I razzed thought it was hilarious; and somehow no one heard the details of my shit-talking my nemesis coworker. As my boss predicted, it blew over quite quickly with no lasting repercussions, but I never had experienced the “wanting to die of shame” emotion until that day. Needless to say, I no longer gossip with my partner anywhere close to work meetings.

13. The lawyer

I was an expert witness in a land use appeal hearing, and one of the lawyers twice accidentally showed his email on his screen while he was supposed to be sharing an exhibit. One of these times, he had an email up where he said the hearing was going badly for his side and he needed advice on how to recover it. The same lawyer forgot to unmute himself every time he talked — the judge was openly laughing at him by day 2.

14. The interview question

I was quite young and applying for an entry level admin assistant position. The interviewer asked me to choose one word to describe myself.

Unfortunately my brain wanted my mouth to blurt out the word “purple,” which was not helpful. So I sat there blankly for way too long before I eventually said “judgmental,” which is true but oh my god. Didn’t get the job.

15. The inquiry

Emailed a bunch of medical organizations asking for their views on the handling of CORVID-19 (I work for a medical school library). All of them were gracious enough to ignore it.

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