Relationship Counseling Lessons

The past few decades have seen a massive shift in terms of how people view therapy, and couples therapy has benefited from a similar improvement in public opinion. Where it used to be something of a death knell for a relationship, signifying that things had gone horribly awry and the relationship was most likely on its last legs, today, couples might feel comfortable telling friends they’ve gotten into therapy together relatively early on in a relationship, confident that they’ll be recognized as engaging in healthy, proactive behavior. RELATED: What to Know About Couples Therapy If you’ve never explored couples therapy before, you might wonder what it’s like, who it’s for, or how to tell if your relationship could benefit from some. In order to help give you a clearer portrait of what it can (and can’t) do, AskMen spoke to a psychiatrist, as well as some real men who’ve been in couples therapy about lessons they’ve learned from it. Here’s what they had to say: Couples Therapy Lessons 1. Navigating Relationship Issues Requires Conversation Whatever the nature of the issue (or issues) plaguing your relationship, it’s unlikely that it (or they) will go away without you having to do anything. Though they may begin with a new relationship energy that allows everything to feel fun and easy, maintaining a relationship over years and decades tends to require work — and that work almost always includes genuine conversations about the relationship. RELATED: How to Know If You Should Try Couples Therapy If you’re a guy, talking about relationships might not be something you have a ton of experience with, which means it can take some time to get practiced enough to be good at it. But as that practice gives you the skill it takes to have serious, soul-searching conversations about real issues in your relationship(s), it will benefit you and your partner(s) both. Arguably the most important skill here is active and intentional listening. “One meaningful lesson I’ve learned from couples therapy, both as a psychiatrist and through personal reflection, is the importance of truly listening to your partner without immediately trying to fix or defend,” says Dr. Sham Singh, MD, a psychiatrist at WINIT Clinic. “Often, when people feel unheard or misunderstood, the problem isn’t the conflict itself but the disconnection that comes from feeling invalidated. I’ve realized how crucial it is to create space for vulnerability and understanding, even when emotions run high. RELATED: How to Use 'Solve Languages' to Improve Your Relationship 2. You Won’t Make Progress Without Vulnerability That being said, listening to your partner (and therapist) and internalizing what they’re saying is only part of a conversation; what you say is also super important. And in couples therapy, as with solo therapy, if you’re not getting real, you’re not going to be able to reap the real benefits of the process — but in this case you’re not just cheating yourself, you’re also robbing your partner of the time and energy they’re putting in. “Couples therapy for me has underscored self-awareness and accountability, for it is only when both partners are willing to take responsibility for their contributions that real healing and growth can take place,” says Singh. Ultimately what that means is you need to get more comfortable with being vulnerable. While that may feel unpleasant for lots of guys given the way boys are taught to be strong and tough growing up rather than exploring ‘sissy’ emotions like fear, sadness, anxiety and disappointment, getting comfortable recognizing, naming and sharing these feelings will help you and your partner immensely when it comes to navigating whatever relationship issue(s) you’re dealing with. RELATED: Understanding Emotional Vocabulary 3. Starting Earlier Is Better Than Starting Later “When I was in my 20s my then-girlfriend of three-plus years and I started to see a couples sex therapist to address our mismatched sexual selves. It felt like a last-ditch effort — I’d tried, unsuccessfully, to end the relationship more than once before that, mostly because I felt deeply sexually unsatisfied. Therapy helped us talk about this stuff more easily and it did help give us tools to address some of our issues, but ultimately it couldn’t bridge the gap between us. However, that experience was an eye-opener for me, and I broached the idea of therapy in my current relationship much earlier in the process so we could use it to navigate exploring non-monogamy together in the early going rather than using it as a band-aid later when things were already difficult.” - Ian, 37 Because therapy can be somewhat stigmatized for some people, jumping to it as a first resort is a relatively rare approach. People may see it as a ‘serious’ thing to only consider once the relationship problems feel dire. However, as Ian’s story points out, waiting until you’re already considering ending the relationship to start couples therapy is doing you and your partner (and probably the therapist) a disservice. It’s like seeing someone suffer a serious injury and waiting a few hours before calling an ambulance. RELATED: How to Tell Your Partner You Want to Try Couples Therapy Even though it may go against your instincts, if you believe in the relationship and want to make it work, considering therapy earlier in the process, before a problem starts to feel dire, won’t just give you an opportunity to nip it in the bud, it’ll also equip you and your partner with the skills to navigate other problems as they arise. 4. Not All Relationship Problems Are Solvable… There’s a perception for some people that couples therapy is a last resort approach to relationship problems, one that only people in dire straits would turn to. Hopefully, this is changing as therapy becomes more normalized in society, but it’s true that if a problem is serious enough to prompt a couple to seek out professional help, it may ultimately be too big to overcome. And the data will then reflect that — lots of people who seek out couples counseling do end up breaking up. But that doesn’t mean it can’t help people, just that a) the majority of relationships end in breakups anyway and b) relationships where people are acknowledging there are serious issues may be statistically more likely to lead to a breakup in short order than ones where that’s not the case. After all, people are complex animals, and in a relationship you necessarily have more than one of such creatures. Even if there’s a lot of the good parts (chemistry, compatibility, investment in the relationship), a significant mismatch or hurdle can sometimes prove to be unsurmountable, and sometimes couples therapy is a process of confronting that reality. RELATED: Why Every Guy Should Seriously Consider Therapy As Singh puts it, “both partners bring along their respective histories and unmet needs into the relationship,” says Singh. These “underlying dynamics” may ultimately not be things you can work past, even with a highly qualified therapist who’s adept at guiding your conversations and bringing you to helpful realizations. 5. …But Couples Therapy Now Can Help You With Future Relationships “Counseling with my ex was a really productive process that helped me become a lot more self-aware and reflective about my own habits, patterns, and behaviors and gave me a lot of language to process and understand my own feelings. I’ve been surprised about how useful the insights from therapy have been. Seeing yourself reflected back by a neutral third party is just remarkably helpful in terms of understanding your own actions and feelings in a new light. Even though it didn’t prevent the dissolution of the relationship, I think this counselling helped me become a better person and led me to think much more deeply about how I want to be and what I can do to deal with my neurodivergence. I also think it has, to some extent, made me a better parent, a better partner in my current relationship, and maybe even (I hope) a better friend to my friends.” - Simon, 43 One of the beautiful things about therapy is that it isn’t a short-term fix. Whether seeing a couples counselor can help your current relationship go from surviving to thriving or not, the techniques and approaches you learn in your sessions can help you throughout your life. While couples therapy is typically more expensive than solo therapy, splitting the cost with your partner means it’s usually a bit more manageable, and it is covered by some insurers. However, even if you’re paying out of pocket, some of what you’re paying for is being able to use what you learn in those sessions throughout your life. Being a thoughtful, emotionally mature partner will make your life easier, your partners’ lives easier and your relationships happier and healthier. Hard to put a price tag on that! 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