my coworker tried to diagnose my child with a terminal illness

A reader writes:

A few months ago, I went into early labor at work and subsequently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Because she was born premature, she spent a few months in the NICU before being discharged with a clean bill of health. She is now a happy, healthy six-month old.

Due to the unexpected timing of her birth, I hadn’t quite finalized my maternity leave coverage plan when I went on leave, but my team went above and beyond in ensuring that all my projects were covered so I could focus on my baby. Since I’ve returned to this office, I’ve kept my team abreast of how my daughter is doing, as well as sharing lots of pictures, which is in sync with our company culture.

One of the coworkers who covered most of my projects while I was gone is someone I work with often and consider a friend. She’s not a doctor, but has some adjacent professional expertise. She also had a brother who died of a rare terminal illness. She speaks of him often and says that he is the reason why she came to work for our company, which is public-health-related. Let’s call her Prudence.

Last week, Prudence called me in the late evening, which is unusual but not unheard of. When I answered, she told me she had something very important to tell me and stressed several times that I shouldn’t be offended. She then told me that because of some of my daughter’s physical characteristics that she’s noticed in the photos I’ve shared, she believes my daughter has the same terminal illness as her brother.

When my daughter was hospitalized, she was examined by every type of specialist you can imagine, and I’ve got the medical bills to prove it. However, because of Prudence’s certainty and my vulnerability as a postpartum mom, I entertained this conversation much longer than I should have. I asked detailed questions about the signs and symptoms of the condition, and even looked over some of my daughter’s digital medical records while we talked. When we got off the phone, I was practically hysterical, and kept spiraling for a few days after.

I finally started to calm down after talking with my wife and a few other friends with medical expertise who’ve actually met my daughter in person. I also dug through hundreds of pages of clinical notes to make sure the possibility of this type of illness was addressed when she was born, and it was! It’s almost certain that my daughter is fine, although I’ll address it at our next pediatrician appointment just to be sure. But now I’m absolutely furious at what feels like a massive overstep. I also had to talk my wife out of driving to the office and giving Prudence a piece of her mind.

I haven’t seen Prudence in person since this phone call, but I’m dreading it. I’m still traumatized from the experience of having a baby in the NICU, and constantly worry that our luck will run out or that new medical issues with my daughter will arise. I do think Prudence’s desire to help was probably sincere, but the way that she went about it — treating her amateur diagnosis as a certainty rather than gently suggesting I follow up with her medical team — has completely eroded my trust in her. I can’t imagine this kind of thing is reportable, and it would torpedo our working relationship if I were to report her anyway. I have no idea what to do.

I’m sorry this happened! I can imagine how stressful and upsetting it was, especially while you were already in a vulnerable place.

Calling you late at night, saying she had something “very important” to tell you, telling you repeatedly not to be offended, and then offering a frightening diagnosis with a high degree of certainty is a very different thing from saying, “I’m probably overthinking this, but I noticed something and wondered whether you’ve ever mentioned it to her doctor.”

But yeah, it’s not really a reportable incident; this was someone you consider a friend overstepping, but not in a work-would-get-involved way. (It would be different it she refused to drop it and kept bringing it up even after you asked her to stop; then it would make sense to ask your company to intervene.)

If Prudence’s judgment normally seems pretty good aside from this incident, I think you’re better off writing this off to her understandably having strong emotions about her brother. That doesn’t make how she went about this okay, but it provides some context for how it ended up happening.

You can absolutely set boundaries with her that you don’t want to discuss it again, though. Since you’re dreading seeing her, the best way to do that might be in an email or text, letting her know that your medical team has evaluated your daughter thoroughly, and saying, “I’m texting this to you rather than saying it in person because I don’t want to discuss it any further after this. Our conversation was extremely upsetting for me and affected me for several days afterward, much more than I think you realized. Given everything we’ve been through with [daughter], being told with such certainty that she might have a terminal illness was incredibly difficult to hear. Her doctors are on top of her care, and, for my own peace of mind, I need to leave her health out of our conversations going forward. I hope you can understand where I’m coming from, and I really do appreciate that your intentions were coming from a place of concern.” (You can leave off that last part if it doesn’t ring true to you.)

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