my boss told his wife we had an affair but we didn’t, coworker won’t return my laptop, and more

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. I worked for a married couple and the husband told his wife we had an affair — but we didn’t

I quit my retail management job two years ago over work/life balance issues and started working as a private home chef for a wealthy married couple. Long story short, the wife caught the husband having an affair and rather than admit who it was with and have to stop seeing her, he lied that it was me! She fired me. He apologized to explain himself and tried to give me money, but I was furious and told him off. So I’m on my own now. I need to look for a new conventional job, but I have no idea what to say about this last position on my resume especially because I can’t get a reference from them. But if I don’t list it, then how do I account for the last two years?

What a jerk — not only cheating on his wife, but getting an innocent person fired in order to cover his tracks?

Don’t leave that entire two years off your resume! Leave it on, and if employers ask about it, you can explain the couple’s marriage imploded, you were caught in the crossfire despite being scrupulously professional, and the situation between them was so volatile that you wouldn’t suggest them as a reference. (Also, if seeking “a conventional new job” means that you’re not looking for work as a private chef, employers may not even care about contacting this couple, which will make things easier.)

Alternately, the fact that the husband offered you money might indicate he (rightly) feels guilty and might be open to other ways of trying to make you whole — like being your reference, which is the least he owes you. I know you told him off, but there could be room to contact him, say you’re having trouble finding a job because of the lie he told about you, and tell him you need him to be a reference for you for that job (which you presumably did well) or even just be willing to verify your employment so you can list it on your resume. You might not be comfortable doing that, but it’s an option to throw in the mix too. As is having a lawyer explain defamation to this couple, if you want to go that route.

– 2020

2. Why are you asking me to do that?

I am a mid-level HR director and routinely receive questions well outside the scope of my role. I understand that HR can end up being the catch-all for a lot of situations; however, I am not the team party planner, I do not know how to fix your IT issue, schedule your own meeting, etc.! My company views HR as a very strategic group, so I feel supported in my want to push back (and am in line with our culture) but I keep receiving requests well outside of/beneath my role. Clearly, some of this frustration stems from the fact that a lot of these questions treat me as a glorified admin or are individuals just trying to pass on the problem to someone else, but I am at a loss at how to respond effectively. Often, some of these questions are so out of my realm, I don’t even know who they should have asked in the first place.

Obviously, I don’t want to set the tone of being completely unhelpful and risk employees not reaching out in the future, but I am not hitting the correct balance of how to effectively communicate that. Perhaps, if I were in another department, I would feel more comfortable to respond in increasingly blunt versions of “this question is better directed to someone else, apologies!” to “why on earth did you ask me that?” However, in HR, I want to maintain a level of respect and trust with my teams. Any suggestions on how to better respond to and redirect these inquiries?

You can be pretty blunt about it and still use a warm, cheerful tone! Things you can say cheerfully:

* “Oh, we don’t plan parties! Your team would handle that themselves.”
* “That’s something IT would help with — unless there’s some HR angle that I’m missing?” (That piece at the end can be appended to some of these others too, to make a point in a polite way.)
* “We don’t handle meeting scheduling; that’s something you or your team would do.”
* “Hmmm, that’s not our realm! Normally I’d try to steer you in the right direction, but that’s so separate from what we do that I’m not sure who to point you toward.”

As long as you’re warm and friendly when people interact with you, you’re not going to lose their trust for setting clear boundaries on what you do and don’t do.

– 2020

3. My coworker borrowed my laptop … permanently

About a year ago, my coworker’s husband was hit by car in a hit and run accident. It was a serious injury and he couldn’t use one arm for weeks. My coworker suddenly needed to work from home so she could be there to help him, and her Mac computer was not compatible with our systems.

I own a desktop and laptop computer, and so I offered to loan her my personal laptop. But for some reason my coworker seems to think it was a gift rather than a loan.

Our manager is my coworker’s cousin, and it was the manager I originally offered the laptop to as a solution for the immediate need. When I’ve asked the manager about getting my laptop back, she’s told me she would talk to her boss and see what he wants to do. Perhaps she meant he would get my coworker a replacement, but whether she returns my laptop shouldn’t be up to him. The company is struggling now and has just cut our salaries 25%, so that is not going to be an option.

I am now considering leaving the company due to the salary cuts, or the possibility of being laid off. I might need to be able to do video interviews or meetings. I also want the option of being flexible where I work. How do I go about getting my laptop back?

There’s no need to dance around it like this! Contact your coworker directly and say, “I’ve been happy to loan you my laptop over the past year, but I’ll need it back soon. Can you plan to return it to me no later than (date)?” (I’d give her 1-2 weeks so she has time to make other arrangements.) If she says she didn’t realize it was a loan, then say, “I had always intended it as a loan. I definitely can’t afford to just give away a laptop!”

Since your manager seems to have the impression that she now gets to be involved in this too, loop her in as well — “Just FYI, it’s now been a year and I can’t continue to keep my personal laptop loaned out, so I’m letting Jane know I’ll need it back by (date).”

From there, it’s up to your company to figure out how to provide your coworker with a computer. But it doesn’t get to commandeer yours just because you were nice enough to do everyone involved a favor. You get to decide what you’re offering and for how long, and a year is already way above and beyond.

Read an update to this letter here.

– 2020

4. How do I politely end professional phone calls?

This question seems so simple, but it stumps me a few times a day. How do I get off the phone on a professional call, when there is nothing else to talk about or when I have to go? I’m a divorce lawyer, so the subject matter is very emotional and personal and relationships are key. It is important that my clients know I’m listening and that I care. I spend a lot of time on the phone with clients each day, asking or answering questions and relying information. We start off with an agenda, but then we get through what we have to get through … and then what? It’s often painful awkwardness. I find myself saying something that feels really clumsy, like “well, that’s it” or “okay, I’ll keep you posted” – which, duh, of course I will.

I guess I don’t really have a better answer in my personal life, and usually just conclude calls with “I’ll let you go,” which is the universal signal that you are done talking on the phone. But, that doesn’t work professionally. There is obviously a simple answer here, but I can’t figure out what it is. What are the magic words?

Actually, the way you’re doing it — with something like “okay, I’ll keep you posted” — is fine. You just need to say it confidently rather then feeling awkward about it. But some other options are:

* “Okay, I’ve got everything I need. Thanks for your time, and I’ll be in touch soon.”
* “Well, I should be back in touch with you in about two weeks when X happens.” (Wait for response.) “Talk to you then, and take care.”
* “I’ve got to run to a meeting, but I hope this helped and we’ll talk soon.”
* “I think that’s it for today! It was good talking with you.”
* “Is there anything else we should cover before we wrap up?”
* “It’s been good talking. Let’s plan to touch base next week.”

– 2020

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