In a Sex Rut With Your Partner? Here’s How to Break Out of It

It pains me to admit this, but my sex life has been in a major rut. The realization crystallized as I was reading a particularly steamy sex scene in Brimstone by Callie Hart and couldn’t recall the last time I’d had sex with my husband or engaged in solo play. Demanding work schedules and the rigors of cold-and-flu season had taken over, and my husband and I had let intimacy fall by the wayside.

There was a time when I believed nothing would ever kill my sex life. The thought of my libido tanking was unimaginable, and I refused to accept that my partner and I would inevitably become the kind of couple who struggles to have sex once a week. Yet I stand before you today, eating those words. Everything I never imagined happening has come true, and to be honest, I’m embarrassed that I’ve allowed sex to become my last priority.

So, when I discovered that renowned psychotherapist and relationship expert, Esther Perel, offers a Desire Bundle—two online courses designed to help couples and individuals break out of sexual ruts—I was overjoyed. I wondered if working through the bundle would help me finally tap into my sensual side again and give my sex life a revival that’s long overdue. Naturally, I signed up—and it ended up being way more illuminating than I expected.

Why I decided to try the Desire Bundle

What really affirmed that I needed to take these courses was realizing that I no longer knew what turned me on. Somewhere along the way, and unbeknownst to me, I began suppressing any inkling of desire, and always found excuses to not pleasure myself in my own time. Because of this, I’d gotten to a place where I rarely felt in the mood and had a hard time getting aroused.

I needed to get back in touch with my erotic side and rediscover my sensuality, and I hoped the Desire Bundle and Perel’s knowledge, insight, and wisdom could help me do just that.

What the Desire Bundle is—and how it actually works

The format: short, structured, and surprisingly doable

The Desire Bundle by Esther Perel features two online courses designed to help couples and individuals move past slumps and spark greater intimacy: “Bringing Desire Back” and “Playing With Desire.”

The first course, Bringing Desire Back, helps you uncover what might be blocking desire, sparks more positive self-dialogue around sensuality, and creates space for eroticism to unfold. The second course, Playing With Desire, taps into imagination and helps you get acquainted with different paths to pleasure—so you can build a sex life that feels more vibrant and fulfilling.

Although each course explores a different dimension of desire, both follow the same structure. Each one is broken into three modules with:

• Short video lessons (typically 5–10 minutes)
• Reflection prompts + exercises
• A downloadable workbook (or you can use a notebook)

By the end, you walk away with more clarity around what turns you on, more confidence communicating it, and practical tools you can keep using long after you finish the last video.

And because the lessons are so bite-sized and conversation-friendly, the bundle can also double as a surprisingly great at-home date night activity. Instead of defaulting to dinner and a show, you can pour a glass of wine, work through a lesson together, and use the prompts as a low-pressure way to talk about desire and intimacy—without needing to know exactly what to say going into it. It feels intentional, but not overly serious… more like a guided conversation that helps you reconnect.

Esther Perel

The Desire Bundle

1. Understand your desires (and how to share them)
2. Have more open conversations about sex
3. Bring back intimacy and curiosity

Shop now

It forces you to look inward (in a way that doesn’t feel judgmental)

While my overall experience with the Desire Bundle was enlightening, I was most surprised by two things.

First, the amount of self-examination I had to perform throughout “Bringing Back Desire.” I had to confront a belief I’d been carrying with me since childhood, which was that embracing your sexuality as a woman was unbecoming. I thought I’d already worked through and dismantled this belief, but the course showed me that it was still very much alive and well for me. This was precisely why I was having such a hard time locating my eroticism—I’d unknowingly snuffed it out because the alternative was something shameful.

Confronting this belief was unsurprisingly challenging, but I admire the way Perel handled it. Instead of telling me to forget about my beliefs, I was asked to try to view them through a new lens. I found this particularly impactful because it didn’t criticize where the view came from or claim that thinking this way was “wrong.” This, subsequently, made me think about the belief differently without writing it off.

It cuts through the noise and gives you a roadmap

Second, the amount of emphasis placed on having positive sexual self-candor also caught me off guard in the best way possible.

In hindsight, it’s easy to see why Perel does this. From the very start, she stresses that the key to better sex is tapping into the erotic dimension of your life. And this, of course, begins with tapping into your own eroticism—but Perel doesn’t tell you to grab your favorite sex toy and watch some porn to do this. Instead, she focuses on awakening the senses through thoughtful and playful exercises, and having you fill in the blanks for prompts like “I have been longing for…” or “A text message I fantasize receiving is…”

These playful prompts helped me see how sensuality encompasses every facet of my life, and I felt more alive and in touch with myself as a result.

The Desire Bundle drowns out the white noise around sex. Perel accomplishes this through her bite-sized lessons and playful exercises. Not only does this make the content easily digestible, but it also avoids overcomplicating how to tap into your desire again; everything from start to finish is extremely engaging and interactive, and gives you tools and actionable tips to use in your sex life going forward.

Plus, I love how Perel doesn’t utilize a “one-size-fits-all” approach and instead encourages you to embrace your sexual individuality. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, having Perel as your teacher makes you feel confident about what you’re learning and trust the information that’s being provided. Sex is a highly emotionally charged topic, but the fact that Perel brings over 40 years of experience to the table made it easier for me to let my guard down and be vulnerable with myself throughout the courses.

Perel also has a unique knack for connecting with people—even through a screen—which makes it even easier to engage with the material.

What I learned—and how I’m using it now

Desire thrives on routine and novelty

It’s no secret that most of us fall into comfortable and predictable routines with sex, especially in a long-term relationship. Consequently, we fall into the trap of thinking that spontaneously ripping your partner’s clothes off will unlock that lust-filled passion again. But Perel says desire is rooted in routine, and spontaneously breaking routines is what truly creates excitement.

If you normally have sex before bed, for example, getting it on mid-afternoon will feel new and exciting. This is why Perel stresses having a scheduled time to connect with your partner and making space for spontaneity. Simply letting your touch linger on your partner while you’re watching TV and seeing what happens next is an example of the latter.

I can confidently say the lessons the Desire Bundle taught me about myself and my sensuality were invaluable. So, I’ve decided to take what I learned and put it into practice, starting with having regular “maintenance sex.” This is essentially scheduled sex that occurs regularly, which Perel says not only keeps you connected to your partner, but also communicates that sex is an important part of your relationship. My husband and I agreed to have sex every Saturday and won’t leave the house until we’ve gone for a romp in the sheets; this keeps us accountable.

Additionally, I’m bringing novelty back into the equation by switching up our weekly date nights. Ours used to follow the same script—drinks, a movie, some chatting, and me inevitably cooking dinner while my husband stayed on the couch. As much as I loved the routine, the Desire Bundle made me realize how predictable it had become. Now we’re intentionally mixing things up: dinner out, double dates, a class together, or even turning our kitchen table into a mini five-star experience with courses and dessert. Breaking our normal date night routine has reintroduced the spark of desire we initially experienced for each other at the start of our relationship, and we’ve had more spontaneous sex as a result.

Esther Perel

The Desire Bundle

1. Understand your desires (and how to share them)
2. Have more open conversations about sex
3. Bring back intimacy and curiosity

Shop now

Eroticism starts with individuality

Furthermore, I also learned that eroticism is rooted in individuality and differentiation. Society teaches us that you’re “one” when you’re in a relationship; however, this messaging stifles desire because the reality is that we all have our own unique wants and needs in the bedroom.

In “Playing With Desire,” Perel points out that autonomy is what lets you own your sexuality; being able to choose when to give yourself over to your desires is extremely empowering. More importantly, she explained that individuality signals to your partner that you don’t need them, and that is a huge turn on. The key is to get in touch with your sensual side and own it. This starts with solo exploration and fantasizing on the most basic level.

Similarly, I’ve also decided to integrate self-pleasure into my weekly routine, which includes everything from doing a sound bath to masturbating. Taking the time to simply let myself enjoy pleasure and get it on with my partner has reignited my libido. Previously, I would’ve tamped down any spark of desire I felt, but I’ve now decided that I can simply embrace and enjoy the feeling, even if I’m unable to do something about it right then and there. Allowing myself to just feel my arousal and regularly having sex has been transformative.

Foreplay isn’t a prelude—it’s a mindset

Lastly, I discovered that foreplay is not a means to an end but rather a key ingredient that encompasses every part of a relationship, in and outside of the bedroom.

“Foreplay is the process of giving and receiving pleasure. It’s about discovering what happens when you slow down and savor your favorite sensations,” Perel writes in the second module of “Playing With Desire.” She then goes on to say that this act is not a “priming of our genitals,” and treating foreplay as a prelude to sex ultimately kills desire.

What to keep in mind before trying the Desire Bundle yourself

The Desire Bundle by Esther Perel can benefit anyone, whether or not they feel like something is missing from their sex life. However, there are two things to keep in mind before trying it for yourself. First, the courses may challenge you at times, but they won’t ask more of you than you can give. The beauty of the program is that you can move through it at your own pace.

Second, while the Desire Bundle can be eye-opening and restorative, Perel emphasizes that it isn’t a substitute for therapy. It won’t resolve deep-rooted trauma or shame around sex in the same way working with a professional can. If you find the courses triggering or too difficult to complete, consider reaching out to a therapist for additional support—you’ll be glad you did.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Arianna Reardon, Contributing Writer

Arianna is a Rhode Island native, professional blogger, and freelance writer. She’s passionate about helping women develop healthy relationships with money, become financially independent, and invest in themselves for the future. Arianna is a firm believer in going after what you want, taking time to stop and smell the roses, and the importance of a good cocktail.

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This post is sponsored by Esther Perel but all of the opinions within are those of The Everygirl editorial board.

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