I was pantang and afraid of death. Now I’m a funeral director

I used to be extremely pantang (superstitious) and fearful of anything related to death.

I avoided funerals whenever I could. During the seventh lunar month, I was especially terrified. I was afraid of spirits following me home so I wouldn’t look at dead bodies. I prayed obsessively after funerals and drew large crosses on doors for protection.

In the past, I told a good friend: “Sorry, I cannot attend your father’s wake because it’s the first day of Chinese New Year.”

It was because I feared bad luck for the entire year.

What I said deeply hurt my friend. This friendship came to an end because I wasn’t there when she needed me.

Ironically, today I am a funeral director who helps families when their loved ones pass away.

Once superstitious and terrified of funerals and spirits, Deborah now helps families in their darkest moments – even designing funerals as celebrations of eternal life. Screenshot from 还好吗 (hhm.sg).

I prepare the deceased for their final journey on earth: Collecting the body, taking it to our preparation room, arranging makeup and grooming, and overseeing the embalming process (done by my embalmer). I also coordinate the entire funeral service.

Funerals as places for healing

Many people think that a funeral is simply a farewell.

But I’ve discovered that a funeral can be a place of healing and restoration as families come together in their grief. Sometimes broken relationships are repaired.

I remember a son who stayed strong throughout his father’s wake. At 3am, he messaged me with logistical questions. I called him and realised he was sitting alone beside his father’s body.

“Funerals are not just endings. They can be moments of new beginnings.” Photos courtesy of Deborah Kang unless otherwise stated.

He broke down. He had been holding everything in for his mother and brother.

I encouraged him to tell his father four things: Thank you. I’m sorry. I love you. And goodbye.*

He did so and wept loudly, but afterwards, he felt relieved.

He thanked me and asked me to guide his brother and mother through the same process.

I remember another man who refused to look at his father’s body. When I gently told him: “Your father wants to say sorry to you”, he burst into tears.

During the funeral, he spoke only of the good memories of his father – even though his father had been abusive and an alcoholic. Later, he told me he had finally forgiven his father.

So funerals are not just endings. They can be moments of new beginnings.

My own new beginning

My own new beginning began when I was 28 and working as an insurance agent.

At work, when my boss shared about Jesus, I would tell him not to talk about religion in the office.

Deborah with her boss and his wife.

One day, during a company meeting, a Pastor prayed for me. I pushed his hand away and walked out angrily.

But later, at one seminar, I experienced something profound.

The speaker stepped down from the stage and began to prophesy over my life, revealing things hidden deep inside my heart, secrets that no one else knew.

I was stunned, because those thoughts had always been mine alone.

At that time, I was living without direction. Life felt meaningless, hopeless, and I was carrying deep pain.

The speaker had a message from God that pierced straight into my soul: “My child, come home.

Deborah (right), with her former boss’ wife, in a 2014 photo – three years after becoming a Christian.

“You have been searching for love, but I am the one truly loves you. I have been waiting for you.

“My beloved daughter, come home. I love you. I have always been waiting. I have great things in store for you. Come back home. Come to Me.”

For the first time, I felt love finally found me. It reached my heart so deeply, and melted my heart.

I kept crying and crying, I couldn’t stop … All the years of pain, regret and brokenness.

I hadn’t cried like that in many years, because my heart had become so guarded and hard.

I walked outside and looked at the sky and said: “Jesus, I don’t know who You are. But if You are real, change my life. I will follow You.”

Goodbye, fear

Even after becoming a Christian, I was still afraid for a long time.

But as I read the Bible from Genesis to Revelation, the fear gradually loosened.

I began to see my real identity: The moment we believe in Christ, we become children of God. (John 1:12) 

“God gives us a spirit not of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). I came to believe that the things I was once pantang about could no longer harm me.” Screenshot from 还好吗 (hhm.sg).

I began to understand that God is omnipresent (everywhere) and omnipotent (all powerful). God was protecting me.

When I am fearful, I pray – and the negative emotions and fear slowly disappear.

I no longer obsessively pray out of fear that something bad will happen if I don’t pray. I now give thanks for God’s protection, His presence, and the assurance of eternal life.

I also find it helpful to meditate on Bible verses like Isaiah 41:10: “So do not fear, for I am with you; I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

My elderly friend, my first client

I didn’t set out to become a funeral director.

I was volunteering at a hospice, where I played gentle songs on my harp to comfort terminally-ill patients.

In 2017, playing a harp to comfort patients and families in the palliative ward.

Many were fearful in the face of death. Some would cry in secret when they thought no one was looking.

During conversations with patients who were anxious about what would happen after they die, I shared my Christian faith – especially the promise that those who believe in Jesus will go on to have eternal life in heaven.

Through this, one elderly woman came to believe in Jesus. I was her only friend. She had no family or relatives.

When I asked what would happen to her body after she passed on, I was told the government would handle it. I asked if I could attend her wake – I was told no.

I asked if I could engage a funeral parlour to arrange her wake, but I could not, as I was not a relative, and she was already on life support and could not sign any documents authorising me to do so.

After much discussion, I realised the only way I could send Auntie off was to become a funeral director myself.

That is how this elderly friend became my first client in 2019. I was 48 years old at that time.

“Auntie had lived in an old folks’ home for many years and didn’t own proper shoes or clothing. When I sensed that God was going to bring her home, I waited at 6am for the market shop to open, hoping I wasn’t too late to show her the clothes I bought for her send off.”

During the funeral, I felt a deep joy that I was able to give my friend a dignified send off. I felt that I had found my calling.

Soon after, people began contacting me to arrange funerals for their loved ones.

Funerals designed like garden weddings

My belief that death is not the end has inspired how I eventually came to design funerals.

We design them like garden wedding banquets – with warm, bright colours that feel peaceful and honourable.

Elements of the decor are inspired by biblical imagery. For instance, crystals symbolise tears collected by God. Screenshot from 还好吗 (hhm.sg).

This is inspired by the biblical imagery, where Christians are described as a bride beautifully dressed for Christ (Revelation 21:2). For Christians, it is a celebration of being welcomed by Jesus into heaven and eternal life.

• The elements of the decor are thoughtfully chosen.
• Crystals symbolise tears collected by God. (Psalm 56:8)
• Light represents hope.
• Images of green pastures and still waters reflect rest with God. (Psalm 23)
• Feathers symbolise God’s covering and care. (Psalm 91:4 says: He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge)

I gently explain these symbols to families and visitors to the wake, helping them see that their loved one is at peace, in a beautiful place.

The “Four Goodbyes” (道谢, 道歉, 道爱, 道别)

I encourage families to say four things to their loved ones:

Thank you: Express specific and sincere gratitude for what they have done and who they have been in your life.

Sorry: Often the hardest words. This means choosing to forgive, asking for forgiveness, and releasing any lingering resentment.

I love you: Words that are deeply felt but, especially in traditional Chinese families, that are not always spoken.

Goodbye: A meaningful and intentional farewell.

Funerals are also an opportunity to honour and thank our loved ones for the sacrifices they made for their families and for the contributions they made to others and to society.

In Christian funerals, it’s also a time to thank Jesus for this cherished person’s life.

The English translation of this story first appeared on Stories of Hope. It was based on a video interview in Mandarin that first appeared on 还好吗 (hhm.sg). 

Interview by Cheryl Lew. Additional reporting by Gemma Koh.

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