I Stopped Going To Church Because Of The Kind Of Advice Our Pastor Gives To My Husband

The day my husband’s pastor preached at our wedding, I knew he wasn’t a good man and ought to be avoided. He preached about marriage and said all the archaic things some elders would say about marriage, making me, the woman, the sole person to carry the marriage on my head if it was going to be successful. But you see, I forgave him because I believed that was the only time he would have the opportunity to speak into our marriage.

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I’m not the kind to carry my marital issues out there for all to see that I’m having marital issues, so right from the beginning, when things were not working, I tried to be vocal about it. The first thing was the number of hours my husband spent in church during the week. He’s the head of many committees in the church, so from Monday to Sunday, the church requires his presence. He would leave work, go to church, and then come to the house late in the evening.

I told him, “You’re not the only man in the church. You have a family now. Give some of the positions away so you can have time for your family.” He told me he wouldn’t allow marriage to come between him and his God.

When I was in the hospital giving birth, my husband was in church for a youth retreat program. I saw him hours later when I’d delivered. His mom was with me. I complained to her. My mother-in-law took the matter up and rebuked him when he came to the hospital. He accused me of selling him out to his mother.

I thought the presence of the baby would change him. Maybe he didn’t know how to be a husband but would know how to be a father. I was wrong. He left all the work for me. He wouldn’t even wash the plate he’d eaten from. I told him, “Sometimes I need help around the house. You can help me do the laundry. You can take the laundry off the line or fold it for me. You can pick the baby up so I can have free hands.”

According to him, when a baby cries, he needs breast milk, and since he doesn’t have milk in his breast, he couldn’t be of help. The only time I had proper rest was when his mother was around. Four years and two kids later, nothing changed. When he needed help financially, I lent a hand. Not only that, but because I earn more than him, he looked up to me to take up certain financial responsibilities, which to me is fair, but he wouldn’t lend a hand in anything because he’s a man. A husband.

I confided in the wife of our pastor and told her the problems I was facing in my marriage when she asked why I didn’t come to church often but my husband was always there. I told her everything. I did that because my husband respected that woman a lot. I knew if she said something to him, there would be a change in my husband. The woman saw my problem and told me she would work on it. I was very happy about it.

One day, the woman told me to wait after church because she had a meeting with me and my husband. Immediately we sat down and I realized our pastor was going to sit in the meeting, I knew nothing would be resolved. The mother of the church asked me to repeat the issues I spoke to her about, and I did. My husband wouldn’t let me finish my story. Every step of the way he interjected, and because I wanted to make my point, I pushed through his interjection and at some point asked him, “Won’t you let me speak?”

Our pastor took over: “I can see a marriage where a wife wants to usurp the role of the husband. The little I’ve seen here shows the bigger problem you two are facing in the house.”

This man painted me as the worst wife he’d come across for asking my husband to help around the house. “Why do you want your husband to do chores? What’s your use as a wife? You want your husband to sweep the house while you sleep? Cook for you and serve you in bed? That’s the kind of nonsense you women of today learn from social media.”

According to him, that is not God’s intention for the man. A man has to lead, and a leader can’t concern himself with chores when he’s busy leading. His wife wanted to talk, but this pastor wouldn’t cede the floor to her. After holding the floor for what looked like forever, he prayed for us and charged us to go home and continue being who we were, playing our roles as a husband and a wife.

That very day, I stopped going to church. The only reason I sat through the meeting was because of the respect I had for his wife. I told my husband, “I’m no longer a member of your church if that’s what your pastor thinks about marriage.” “You’re leaving the church because he told you the truth?” he asked me. I answered, “I’m leaving the church because a man like him might end our marriage for us.”

For over four months I didn’t go to church. The pastor’s wife called and asked why. I respect that woman so much I couldn’t tell her the truth. I told her I’d been busy with work and school stuff but would come very soon. My husband had already told the pastor the truth behind why I wasn’t going to church, so one day the pastor’s wife called and asked me to be in church by all means.

I went with my husband and we met them again after church. The pastor asked why I hadn’t been coming to church. I knew my husband had told him the truth, so there was no need to lie. I told him, “I don’t come to church because I’ve left. I’m looking for a new place where they preach a better concept of marriage.”

He got angry and started ranting. Again, he blamed my generation and what we’ve picked up from social media. He warned that if I don’t take care, the devil would use me to destroy the marriage. “Why do you want to belong to a different church from that of your husband? Haven’t you read that you should not be unequally yoked?”

While his wife spoke to me pleadingly, he spoke to me like he was ordering his child around. I repeated, “I’ve left the church. You can keep my husband here because he loves it so much here. This is the only place he’s elevated for being a bad husband and a father.”

The pastor looked at my husband and said, “You see the reason I always tell you men to pray fervently about the choice of spouse? I don’t believe you did that, Dave. But it’s not too hard for God. We’ll pray again.” I responded, “Wei…” and walked away.

These days, I don’t complain about what he does. He’s content and happy about being that kind of husband and father. Instead of talking and being worked up emotionally, I do what I can in the time I can do it and leave the rest for another day. I’m not being intentionally lazy as a response to his character. I’m only choosing my battles according to my strength. I cook for him. I cook enough to have some in the fridge. When he’s hungry, he can warm it and eat.

Does Marriage Benefit Men More Than Women?

He asked for financial help recently. I told him it’s not a battle I could fight, so he could look elsewhere for help. Calm. No questions. No shouting. If my God is providing for my needs according to His riches, the God that he worships twenty-four-seven should be able to do the same for him. I don’t remember the last time we even fought. I’ve realized that my problem was expecting so much from him as a husband. Once I dropped my expectations, there’s peace, but I don’t think he’s happy. That’s his own problem.

—Anna

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