I Loved Him, But I Couldn’t Forgive Us For Our Choice

I met Kofi in my second year at university. He was my second love, and I was sure he would be my last. We were inseparable. Everyone on campus knew we were a couple. He wasn’t perfect, but he was everything I wanted. We worked through conflict, we talked, and he was kind. So I gave him everything: my time, my resources, my heart.

I come from a family that has been abundantly blessed, and thankfully, they are generous. Since the death of my parents, my father’s relatives have supported me financially and emotionally. They raised me with love and never let me lack. From kindergarten through my current national service, they have stood by me without hesitation. Their support means I can raise funds quickly when needed. May God continue to bless them.

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Because of this security, I never asked Kofi for anything. I understood his financial situation and wanted to ease his burden. When things got tough, I paid his school fees for one semester and helped when I could. I cooked for us and spent between 500 to 1,000 cedis on groceries during market days. I wasn’t dating him for money. Everything I gave came from my heart and from the support of my family.

It wasn’t just me giving. Kofi gave too. Whenever he had money, he gave me the larger share. If he had 300 cedis, I got 250. He bought me gifts when he could. I gave back in my own way. I gave him my laptop after just two weeks of use. When I got a new phone, I gave him my previous one, even though it was more expensive than the one I use now. I’m not sharing this to boast. I just want to show how deeply we invested in each other.

We graduated together with second-class upper degrees. Shortly before graduation, I visited him. We were intimate, and despite taking emergency contraception, I got pregnant. If Kofi had been financially stable, I would have kept the baby. But I was terrified of disappointing my father’s family. So we made the decision to end the pregnancy. Kofi stood by me throughout.

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It’s a decision I have regretted every single day since. I have spent countless hours on my knees asking God for forgiveness. I even asked Him to show me a sign if He had truly forgiven me. Recently, that sign came to pass. I hope He knows my heart.

After the termination, everything changed. I couldn’t stop thinking about what we had done. The guilt consumed me, and slowly, I began to fall out of love. Every moment with Kofi reminded me of our shared decision. It suffocated me.

I confided in a friend who is a therapist. We talked for hours, but nothing changed. I cried endlessly. It’s not that Kofi changed. He is still the man I wanted to marry. But I couldn’t stay. I tried to distance myself, hoping time would heal me. But it didn’t. His presence kept pulling me back to that painful memory. I felt dirty. I couldn’t imagine sharing a bed with him again, something I once cherished most.

Recently, we had a heart-to-heart. I told him everything. I explained that we needed to work through this and then go our separate ways. He didn’t take it well. Honestly, I didn’t come to this decision easily.

I applied to a school in the United States. Kofi helped with everything. He handled my transcript and application documents. Miraculously, I got admitted just one day after submission. If everything works out and I go, I will help him get there too. It’s the least I can do to thank him for all he has done.

Some might think I’m leaving because of someone else. That’s not true, and Kofi knows it. I don’t entertain other men. I don’t even talk to any man regularly. I don’t open messages from men who show interest, let alone date them.

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Dear Kofi,

I know you might see this. You know I love you. I still do. I know this is unbearably hard for both of us, but I believe we will be okay in the long run. Trust me, we will be.

I’m not emotionally available for this relationship anymore. You know me. You know I rarely let go of things. But this is the heaviest burden I have ever carried. Being with you constantly reminds me of what we did, and it makes me withdraw even more. I feel unclean.

So much has changed because of our decision. I wish you nothing but the best. I’m typing this through tears, but I know it’s for our own good. I can’t keep lying to myself or to you.

This isn’t the ending either of us imagined. But sometimes, love isn’t enough to overcome the weight of shared pain.

—Afia

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