I Keep Loving Women With Haunted Bodies

In 2014, I lost my girlfriend to mental illness. That girl… she was the best relationship I ever had. We had big dreams for our future until she experienced an episode. It wasn’t easy to handle.

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Despite her happy and bubbly personality, she had a lot of demons. Before our relationship began, she opened up to me about her past. She said she was violated twice. “I am talking about it now because I am fine. I have healed.”

I believed her until her PTSD was triggered. I became a stranger to her. She wanted nothing to do with me. “It’s me, babe. I have been by your side all this time. Let me hold your hand through this too,” I said as I tried to hold on to the love we shared. It didn’t work. It was as if she did not recognize me.

It was one of the toughest seasons of my life. As much as I cared, I eventually had to pick myself up and move on. Till today, she still struggles to maintain relationships because of her episodes.

Over a decade after my relationship with her, I’m about to marry a wonderful woman. A truly beautiful soul who has stood by me, lifted me, and brought me peace in places I didn’t even know were wounded. My family loves her. I’ve even gone for the dowry list—everything is set.

But then something happened when we agreed to get intimate for the first time. We had gone through foreplay and were ready to go all the way. The moment I got close, she clamped her legs shut. At first, I thought it was just first-time shyness so I left her alone.

When we tried it another time, she did the thing with her legs again. I asked what was wrong but she wouldn’t say. The whole thing kept happening over and over again until she finally gathered the courage to tell me the truth.

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“The only sexual experience I ever had was forced on me by someone I trusted. I try to bury the memories but they come alive when you touch me. It disgusts me to remember his touch.”

She says she sees him. She feels everything all over again.

I don’t know how to help her. This is the second time I have loved a woman who is haunted by the ghost of another man’s cruelty. I lost the battle the first time. I would hate to lose again a second time.

Is There A Perfect One Out There For Everyone?

She keeps saying she’s fine, but clearly, she’s not. I don’t want to abandon her, but I’m scared. What if she gets triggered and shuts me out like my ex did. I don’t want to relive the same heartbreak I went through years ago.

People talk about therapy in these situations. I want to know if therapy can actually help her. If I am going to marry her, then I need to know there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

—Potiphar

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