HOW TO KNOW YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE

1. You are used to satisfy your spouse's sexual needs when you don't feel like it. You are forced to have sex

2. Your opinion does not matter. Your spouse dominates all decision making processes 

3. Your spouse orders you to do what he/she wants instead of requesting you with respect 

4. Your body is insulted and made fun of by your spouse but you still have to give him/her sex

5. Your spouse gangs up with his/her friends/parents to mock you and show you how good for nothing you are

6. You are called names designed to hurt you

7. Your spouse joins the people of the opposite gender he/she is flirting and fooling around with to make you feel worthless 

8. Your being with your spouse has made you believe in yourself less and damaged your self esteem 

9. You are not allowed to pursue your goals and dreams in marriage

10. Each time you try to speak up, you are silenced, told you are not educated enough or told because of your gender you have no say on the matter 

11. You work hard in your family business but all the money goes to your spouse who determines what the money will be used for as you are denied access to the money

12. You are inflicted physical pain through armtwisting, pulling of hair violently, slapping, blows, throwing of hard and fragile objects to you to harm you 

13. When you complain about the pain, you are told you brought it upon yourself 

14. When you cry, your tears go ignored by the one person who should care for you 

15. You have to beg your spouse for assistance especially money, not because your spouse doesn't have money, but because your spouse wants to show you that you are nothing without him/her

16. Your spouse abandons you in the middle of the road and drives off to "teach you a lesson"

17. You are denied the opportunity to worship the God you love and your personal spiritual growth denied

18. You are ridiculed about how you raise the children, you are left alone to parent the children and then shouted at when the children do wrong 

19. The secrets you shared with your spouse are used against you to attack you 

20. You are belittled by your spouse because of the job you do, the family you grew up in, your economical background, your formal educational level

21. Phone calls and text messages from your spouse leave you with fear, lowering your moods

21. You are cut off from your friends and family by your spouse because your spouse doesn't want you telling others he/she mistreats you. Your spouse is imprisoning you 

22. You are shown signs of contempt such as pointing of finger, being pushed over, deliberare offenses and public shaming 

23. You are constantly being told how you are worthless and can never do anything right

24. The presence of your spouse scares you and makes you cringe and become uneasy

Abusive marriages are dangerous. They slowly kill you, isolate you, stagnate you and silence you. When your spouse is not protecting you, you have to protect yourself from him/her. Realize that in an abusive marriage, the problem is the abuser, not the abused. The abuser has internal issues and insecurities making him/her to gain importance by bringing you down. Bring this to your spouse's attention, seek counseling, refuse to be silenced, find yourself, find your identity, find your goals, find a support system, but when your life is at risk, consider seperation. Abuse first leads to emotional death, and if serious, it leads to physical death. As you love, be wise

© Akello Oliech and Dayan Masinde