How to Handle Not Being Able to Have Kids of Your Own

There are lots of hurdles couples may face together over the course of their relationship — moving to a new state, losing a job or a loved one, and even health crises, for example — but one of the most challenging is infertility. According to Dr. Christine DeVore, Psy.D, a licensed therapist specializing in relationship issues, both partners can experience quite the emotional rollercoaster while struggling to start a family — from sadness and anger to shame and frustration. “For those assigned male at birth, fertility may be intertwined with their identity or perceptions of masculinity, exacerbating these feelings,” she explains. “The roles within a relationship can change dramatically, too. One partner might feel physically or emotionally drained, while the other might feel helpless or inadequate. And these shifts can create tension and distance.” RELATED: How to Help a Partner Through a Difficult Time As infertility puts a strain on the relationship, DeVore says communication can often suffer. If both partners aren’t able to express their feelings and needs openly, misunderstandings and resentment may start to mount. “Not only that,” says DeVore, “But the pressure to conceive can overshadow the pleasure and connection that sex once brought. And the costs associated with fertility treatments, such as IVF, can be substantial, leading to added stress and tension between partners.” As with any obstacle, though, the way you deal with it can mean the difference of weakening your bond or making your relationship stronger. Here’s what to keep in mind as you navigate this chapter with your partner. RELATED: Mental Health Impact of Infertility Dos and Don’ts for Dealing With Infertility Don’t: Try to Go It Alone Across the board, experts strongly recommend reaching out for support. “Although infertility is relatively common, it can feel extremely isolating, as many people keep their struggles private,” says Lea Trujillo, a licensed therapist and fertility emotional wellness coach. “It’s hard to see friends or family move on to a different phase of life while you're still waiting.”The key here is to open up to the right people. Trujillo notes that some people may not be able to listen with empathy, or may simply not fully understand the complexity of infertility and say all the wrong things, like "You just need to relax" or make jokes like, "Hey — you can have my kids.” “Connecting with others who are in the same situation can normalize your experience, help you feel less alone, and reduce stress,” explains Trujillo. Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, a licensed therapist who specializes in infertility, suggests finding a support group for people struggling with infertility, and/or a therapist who specializes in infertility. You can find support groups near you at Resolve.org. “Support groups bring together people with different backgrounds, doctors, and treatment methods, offering valuable insights and information you might not have encountered otherwise,” adds Trujillo. “These groups provide a forum for comparing stories, learning about care providers and fertility clinics, and discovering questions you may not have thought to ask your doctor.” According to Guarnotta, individual therapy can help you develop coping skills to manage your emotions, while couples therapy can also be helpful if you're having communication breakdowns. Do: Discuss Your Privacy Policy Before you post anything about your infertility issues on social media — Goldberg says you should check in with your partner to see how they feel about it. “Respect each other’s need for support, whether it's confiding in a trusted friend or family member,” she adds. “But don't share the journey unless it's agreed upon by both parties.” Don’t: Put the Blame (or Burden) on One Person If there’s one thing experts want you to remember right now, it’s not to let the burden of infertility fall on one partner. “Remember, building a family is a team effort,” says Guarnotta. “Any way you can step up will help alleviate the stress and overwhelm of infertility for your partner while strengthening your relationship bond. Examples include going to appointments together, helping administer medication, or taking on extra household chores.” When diagnosed with infertility, Guarnotta says many people also tend to blame themselves and feel inadequate. “Keep in mind that infertility is a medical condition and should be treated as such,” she adds. “No one blames themselves or their partner for getting cancer. The same mindset should apply to infertility. Remember, you and your partner are doing the best you can with the circumstances you’ve been given, and it’s no one’s fault.” Do: Research the Issue Trujillo says taking some time to learn more about infertility and your options can go a long way in empowering you and your partner. RELATED: Infertility Warning Signs for Men “Being informed can help you feel more prepared and in control, thereby reducing stress and potentially leading to better pregnancy outcomes,” she says. “Entering the world of infertility involves learning new terminology, treatment approaches, medications, and types of tests,” Trujillo adds. “Having a good understanding of what to expect will enable you to have meaningful conversations with your doctors and develop a plan you and your family feel comfortable with. Plus, your partner will appreciate your investment in the process.” Dr. Alice D. Domar, a health psychologist and Chief Compassion Officer at Inception Fertility, agrees that doing some research can go a long way — but cautions that you should make sure you’re using reliable sources. “The internet and social media are unfortunately filled with misinformation and people who prey on the vulnerable,” she explains. “ASRM.org and ACOG.org are reliable and science-driven resources.” Don’t: Make Assumptions About What Your Partner Needs Men and women often process the grief of infertility differently, says Guarnotta. According to Goldberg, men often cope by internalizing their feelings or adopting a more solution-focused approach, whereas women tend to be more emotion-driven and interested in talking about it often. “These differing coping styles can lead to misunderstandings and resentment, with women feeling their partner doesn't care about building a family and men feeling unsure why women are so focused on it,” Guarnotta explains. RELATED: How to Talk to Women & Communicate Effectively As a result, it’s a good idea to just ask your partner what they need from you rather than assuming their needs are the same as yours. Hannah Gerber, who has been trying to get pregnant with her partner for almost five years, says it’s also more than OK to “coach” friends and family on what you need during this time. “The people in your life want to support you, but sometimes they don't know what to say so they end up trying to fix things or say things that feel insensitive (like ‘Everything happens for a reason’), she tells AskMen. “I've shared with friends that most of the time what I need from them is to hear something like, ‘This sucks,’ ‘This isn’t fair,’ ‘or ‘I’m always here to listen,’ rather than asking if we've tried XYZ. Not only has that made interactions with friends so much better, but I've also found that my community has been grateful for the feedback since it was so hard for them to know what to say.” RELATED: How to Use 'Solve Languages' to Improve Your Relationship Do: Schedule Regular Check-Ins Goldberg says open communication is key — in all phases of your relationship, but especially when dealing with fertility challenges.  She recommends scheduling a set time — anywhere from once daily to once a week — to talk without distractions for at least 20 minutes. You can use this time to discuss your fears, concerns, emotions, and even ideas for how to stay connected. “Give your partner space to share their frustrations, disappointments, and grief,” says Dr. Emily Guarnotta, a clinical psychologist and co-founder of the maternal mental health practice Phoenix Health. “This shows that you care, which helps reduce feelings of isolation.” Don’t: Be Too Hard on Yourself About It “When you're dealing with infertility, you may feel like there are triggers everywhere,” says Guarnotta. “Every time you see a diaper commercial, or get asked if you have kids, you can get flooded with emotion. As you're going through this, it's okay to say no to social gatherings or limit your time and conversations with people who don't make you feel good.” As Guarnotta points out, infertility can be considered a form of loss, so it’s normal to feel like you’re going through a grieving period. “However, infertility is a form of disenfranchised grief, which is grief that is not formally recognized by society,” she adds. “When you're grieving this form of loss, you usually don't get time off of work, sympathetic words, or understanding from other people. While you might not be able to change that, you can choose to honor your own feelings without judgment.” Be patient and kind to yourself and your partner during this time, practicing self-care and encouraging them to do the same. Do: Make Space for Each Other’s Feelings You and your partner may have very different emotional experiences during this chapter. It’s important to keep in mind that neither is “right” or “wrong” — and to validate each other’s feelings rather than dismissing them. “Dismissing emotions can create resentment and emotional distance,” says Goldberg. “Even if you don’t fully understand or relate to your partner’s feelings, showing empathy goes a long way.” RELATED: The Benefits of Embracing Vulnerability For example, if your partner shares that they’re feeling anxious and sad about an upcoming baby shower you were both invited to, consider responding with something like – “I totally understand why that would make you feel that way,” or “I’m so sorry you’re dreading this event, but it makes sense.” Don’t: Let This Overtake Your Shared Intimacy “For couples trying on their own without yet resorting to assisted reproduction, sex often becomes all about baby-making and is based on timing, taking much, if not all, of the passion out,” says Goldberg. “It can feel forced.” Trujillo agrees that sex often shifts from merely a pleasurable, intimacy-boosting activity to a means to an end. As a result, instead of bringing you closer together, sex may have the opposite effect. “For couples having trouble getting pregnant, staying connected is vital,” says Goldberg. DeVore advises planning regular date nights that have nothing to do with fertility treatments to keep the romance alive. RELATED: What Is Maintenance Sex? Experts Say It Could Save Your Relationship “Also, plan short trips or celebrate milestones together to remind each other that the relationship is more than just the fertility journey,” adds Goldberg. Do: Redefine Your Future “Infertility can challenge your ideas of what a family looks like,” says DeVore. “Explore alternative paths to parenthood, such as adoption, surrogacy, or fostering.” According to DeVore, focusing on building a fulfilling life together — regardless of parenthood — can help alleviate some of the pressure. “Consider attending informational sessions on adoption or speaking with other couples who have built their families through alternative means,” she tells AskMen. You Might Also Dig: How to Boost Male Fertility With Health and NutritionHow Men Can Improve Their FertilityTrying to Conceive: Male Fertility Guide