How to Fake an Orgasm

Orgasms are a big deal. Everyone knows that. But are they really that big of a deal? Sometimes, people feel they’re so central to the experience of sex that it’s not really sex if there’s not an orgasm. And if there isn’t one coming (as it were), then it makes sense to them to pretend one happened. Ever been in that kind of situation? Want everything to be perfect? Want to make the other person feel super desirable but you just know that you’re not going to climax? Maybe you felt like you should pretend you did and have a fake orgasm. It might be a lonely feeling, but lots of guys have been there, otherwise this article wouldn’t exist. So yes, we spoke to a handful of sex experts to educate you on how to fake an orgasm — but also try to contextualize why faking orgasms is usually not necessary, rarely a great move and definitely not a helpful pattern to fall into. RELATED: Why Do Women Fake Orgasms? Here’s what they had to say: Why Would a Guy Fake an Orgasm? Why would a guy want to fake an orgasm exactly? Well, it’s usually because they feel like they’re expected to cum, but are worried they won’t be able to. It’s usually assumed that guys find it easy to cum — in fact, the whole concept of premature ejaculation basically suggests that if anything, guys climax too easily. However, when your lived experience doesn’t match up with that perception, it can be a weird feeling, and cause some people to seek out a workaround. There are lots of reasons why you might struggle to orgasm, both physiological and psychological. As with erection issues, many health problems can impact sexual function, and mental health issues like anxiety, stress and depression can as well. Plus, medications can often be a factor. “I have so many clients who faked for months (even years) after changing to meds (often antidepressants) that produced side effects hindering sexual response and ejaculation, in particular,” says O’Reilly. RELATED: Are Your Antidepressants Messing With Your Sex Drive? “It can feel like more pressure to divulge that you can’t ‘finish,’ since men’s sexuality (and virility) tends to be framed as straightforward and pleasure-focused,” says Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., Astroglide’s resident sexologist. “They’re not given space and permission to be nuanced, human and complicated.” As such, it’s not surprising that faking orgasms is more typically associated with women than men, and the data bears this out. However, it’s far from a black-and-white situation. “Research finds that, on average, women are more likely to report having faked an orgasm than men,” says Dr. Justin Lehmiller, Lovehoney Scientific Advisor and Kinsey Institute Researcher. “However, a substantial number of men have done so before, with numbers ranging from 25-34% in surveys where men have been asked about this.” O’Reilly, for her part, notes one study that found up to 71% of guys who’ve said they’ve faked it. In her experience, clients have faked for a variety of reasons: to avoid having to admit they weren’t going to cum, didn’t have the energy to actually bring themselves to orgasm, were having sex that wasn’t conducive to climax, and to hide that they were experiencing whiskey dick. Another is in a situation where you might feel unsafe, Zane notes. If your sex partner has a history of angry outbursts or violence, trying to provide a “happy ending” makes perfect sense. If you think “your partner would be very angry with you or violent if you said, ‘Hey, I don’t think it’s happening tonight,’” Zane says, then faking an orgasm is a more than reasonable approach. How to Fake an Orgasm (as a Man) Some people with penises can fake orgasms so convincingly that “their partners can’t tell the difference,” O’Reilly says. “They shake their bodies, moan like they’re having an orgasm and some even clench and release their muscles quickly to feign contractions,” she adds. “I’ve had some folks confess that they overdo it with theatrics to make sure their partners don’t get suspicious.” Zachary Zane, sex and relationship expert for #LubeLife, concurs that it’s doable. “It’s not that hard, especially if you’re using condoms,” he says. “You moan and make your orgasm sound, slowing down your pumping, and make it seem like you’re ejaculating into the condom. You then take off the condom and throw it out without your partner seeing, so they don’t see that you didn’t actually ejaculate.” It may be a bit harder to fake during non-condom sex, but it’s far from impossible. While written and illustrated erotica (and certain porn genres) would have you believe it’s normal to ejaculate bucketloads of cum, the average volume of ejaculate is less than a teaspoon, and receptive partners may not always be able to tell beyond a reasonable doubt when someone has cum inside them — particularly if they’re already very lubricated down there. RELATED: How to Increase Semen Volume Plus, while it might seem much harder to fake a penile ejaculation than a vaginal orgasm, which often doesn’t involve the spewing of fluids, so much of human interaction is based on expectation, and if someone’s expecting you to cum and you throw some of the signifiers of having cum into the mix, why would they have any reason to doubt you? As such, the male lack of reputation for faking orgasms can work in your favor, causing a partner to be more likely to believe in your fake orgasm, while on the flip-side, women may face scrutiny over very real ones. As with so much of life, if you smile and act confident, you might just get away with it. Why Faking Orgasms Isn’t a Great Idea Though it may be more common than you realized and easier than you’d have guessed (no fake ejaculation needed!), in the vast majority of sexual encounters, faking an orgasm is at best a band-aid solution and at worst a step towards establishing a rapport based on dishonesty and secrecy with a sexual partner. O’Reilly and Lehmiller both note that there are valid reasons to fake orgasms. Making your partner feel better, making yourself feel sexier, or just making the experience feel less disappointing are all valid reasons in the moment. In a one-night stand or first-time hookup context, for instance, Zane notes, faking it might be easier than explaining the reasons you don’t feel you can cum to someone you don’t really know. But, as he says, “I don’t think that’s a good habit to get into.” “I think it’s better just to say you’re not going to be able to cum,” Zane advises. “Men aren’t cumming machines, despite how society depicts us; sometimes, we just can’t finish. It’s normal and happens to us all.” O’Reilly agrees that the big issue is when a one-off or occasional fake becomes a habit. “If something works for you, I’m not going to tell you it’s a ‘bad idea,’” she says. “But if you consistently fake orgasms, you may get more of what isn’t working for you. As Lehmiller puts it, “fake orgasms reinforce behaviors that you don’t actually enjoy (and thereby increase the odds of bad sex in the future).” Another issue? Your reasons for faking. “If you’ve been faking and want to break the habit, you likely want to start with yourself and consider what you’re trying to avoid,” O’Reilly suggests. “Is it conflict, embarrassment, rejection, awkwardness or something else? If you can understand your own motivations, you may find a better way to communicate with your partner.” Though it can be a vulnerable thing to share, she suggests being honest about the situation. Framing it as something you want your partner’s help with can help reduce the implication that they’ve done something wrong. RELATED: How to Talk About Your Unsatisfying Sex Life “Shame can also intensify when you feel the need to perform pleasure rather than experience it,” says O’Reilly. “Over time, this can create distance between partners (as well as disconnection from your own body) and reinforce anxiety.” “If your partner believes what you’re doing (together) feels good, they’ll likely keep doing it, which means your needs will remain unmet and pleasure can become harder to access.” O’Reilly says that even if you have been faking, you don’t need to address it in a dramatic fashion necessarily. “You don’t have to make a grand confession,” she says. “You can start by talking about what does feel good. Sometimes it’s easier to ask for what you want (and you may need to learn what you like through more mindful solo sex) rather than talking about what hasn’t worked thus far.” At the end of the day, Zane says, “Faking or lying during sex takes away from your own pleasure and enjoyment. Honesty is key; you should be able to focus on what feels good to you, rather than performing for someone else or worrying about their feelings if they can't make you climax.” You Might Also Dig: Your 101 Guide to Female Climax (And How to Get Her There)How to (Honestly) Talk About Sex With a PartnerThe Things Guys Need to Unlearn About Sex Right Now